A New Kind of Granger
by e.b woodhouse
Summary: This is my take on the Harry Potter series where Hermione is a little more true to the original.
1. Chapter 1

Until the birth of their daughter the Granger family had it all, wealth, respect, money. All that threatened to disapear when their little witchling was born. Dumbledore and his right hand woman Minerva Gonagal appeared on their doorstep just a few hours after the old fashioned home birthing, with them they brought a celebratory cigar for mr granger and some bandaids and tomato soup for mrs granger (being wizards they were unaware of the muggle reporductive system and figured she could use a hot meal and a little patching up). Once inside they explained that the baby that had just been born was a very special magic baby.

Mr and Mrs. Granger didn't seem as excited as they out to have but Minerva and Albus chalked that up to new baby jitters and laughed and joked with the muggles as if they were one and the same as wizards and witches. But secretly the Grangers kept a hidden frown inside their hearts. To them the news had not been good at all.

When their very eccentric and wildly unexpected guests had departed the grangers exchanged a look, bribed the midwife into silence and vowed to never speak of their "child" ,even now they saw it as an abberation of nature and not truely of them, ever again. They had wanted to name her something prententious and shakespear adjacent but as the years grew on and the thing in the basement matured, it named itself... Kraug.

14 Years Later.

Ron had finally been picked to go to school with wizards that year. He was so excited that he had to tell everyone, even his best friend, Harry Potter. "Hey guess what Harry!" Ron yelled when he ran up to Harry's house. Harry was on the front lawn on a beach chair with a record player piping some old surf rock band. "what's up my man?" Harry asked but then he interupted Ron before the over excited red head could continue, "oh wait, how rude of me. Would you like to come inside and have a snack first or would you like to just go ahead and tell me that thing you come over here for?"  
"I guess I should tell you now," Ron finally decided. Harry turned down the music and leaned forward, "What's up?"  
"I'm a wizard Harry..."

Later that afternoon.

Harry had been stunned by Ron's crazy confession. It seemed like everyone Harry knew from Hogwarts was becoming a wizard. He finally convinced Ron to sit down and have a snack and when his friend was so distracted he snuck off to call Dumbledore. The phone rang a few times before Harry's old friend, Albus Dumblerdore asnwered it.

"What's up H-Man?" Albus giggled over the phone. There was a lot of coughing and idle chatter in the background, he probobly had a lot of friends over, again.  
"No time to talk now," Harry imparted, Dumbledore was awe struck, 'this kid sounds serious' he thought and walked into a more quiet room to hear him better.  
"What's going down kid? You're sketching me out."  
"I need you to look up the Hogwarts files to see if a guy named Ronald Weasley is listed as an attending wizard for the upcoming semester," Harry said in a sneaky voice, checking over his shoulder for snoops.

Albus chuckled and relaxed all over. "C'mon, Ron Weasley? No way," Albus said while he chuckled and looked through the files half naturedly. He stopped laughing with an abrupt halt... it was true... every word of it. Harry could tell by the way his pal's breathing had halted so suddenly and resumed much more slowly that he had finaly caught on. "That's right," Albus stammered, amazed and bewildered, "Ron Weasley, here's right there on the front page!"  
"This is too weird!" Harry hissed urgently.  
"Just hold on a minute," Dumbledore soothed, "I'm going to Hogwarts this year too, maybe together we can puzzle this out. We'll both keep an eye on him and see if he's got any tricks worked out or not."

Harry sighed, 'i guess that will work' he thought. He was about to hang up but Albus stopped him, "wait, before you go, I have a favor to ask, there's a girl who lives near you and needs to go to Hogwarts this year or else! She hasn't gone in fourteen years since she's been born and I'm worried about her. Bring her along wont you?"  
"Okay, bye Albus." Harry said and hung up. He sure had one crazy day ahead of him now. 


	2. Chapter 2: Kraug Hungry!

Harry stared at the disheveled dirty girl in front of him. Sirius Black had tagged along for fun but now he was quaking with rage. "Harry!" He yelled, "this filthy thing has obviously been sorely mistreated," he advanced threateningly upon the Grangers, his hand upon the dagger he kept under his robes.

The two muggles began quaking in innefectual fear and self loathing, only now, when it was too late, did they realize how horrible it was of them to have kept their daughter chained in their dank and foul smelling basement.

Harry didn't know what to do. On one hand he thought it was just awful the way that Kraug's parents had kept it hidden away in the basement all its life but on the other he would rather not have Sirius go back to jail over such an insignifent scuffle. Sirius had nearly fallen in with a bad lot in the big house and Harry worried that if he went back to the slammer he'd return one day with a nasty drug habbit or a swastica tattoo.

Harry stepped between them and adressed the filthy wretch, "Would you like to know magic?" Harry asked, speaking to Kraug in a way that one would with a rabid, feral wolf.

Kraug didn't know what to make of two wizards, she instinctively took a step back when Harry approached but at the word 'magic' she began jumping up and down excitedly, Kraug had always dreamed of someday being able to do magic. "Kraug go with Harry Potter! Kraug do magic!"

Mrs Granger began weeping in earnest, "please, don't kill me, just take her and go!"

"There'll be no need for that," said Sirius, licking his lips and slipping his crystal dagger back into its sheath, "come on then children, you don't want to be late for the train!" Harry took Kraug by the hand and the three magical friends skipped down the road on their way to the train station, their dark adventure already far behind them in their minds. They were bouyed up by joy and longing for the magical fun that awaited them.

 **At King's Cross Station.**

Harry and Sirius waited on the platform anxiously, the train was late. Kraug hadn't noticed because she'd never seen a train before and had no idea how to tell if one was late, early, or not coming at all. She spied a porky young wizard about with his arms stuffed with chocolates and cakes. A low growl rumbled in her chest. "Kraug hungry! Kraug eat!" She ran upon Neville Longbottom and knocked him to the ground with savage force.

Neville began wailing, "oh! Oh help this horrible girl is going to take my chocolates!"  
Harry and Sirius rushed to the scene. Sirius grabbed Kraug by her lank, filthy, hair and pulled her off the startled, quivering boy. "No Kraug! We don't take people's chocolates! That's a bad Kraug! Bad!" Neville was still on the ground, crying at their feet and clutching his candies and cakes to his ample bossum. Harry helped him to stand and the two bashfully hugged then turned upon Kraug with their hands on their hips. Harry was prepared to really let loose on Kraug and give it a piece of his mind, but Kraug seemed so desperate that his anger dissipated like mist in the wind.

"Say Neville," Harry said, "How about I can maybe have on of them chocolates for my pal Kraug here, huh? That way, everyone's happy!" Neville was never much of a sore loser so he gave Harry two chocolate bars and went along his way. Harry waved the delicious treat above Kraug's head, she followed it with her ravenous, starving eyes, "If you promise not to pounce on anyone else I'll give you this here chocolate, okay?"

Kraug slapped the train station floor with her hands and nodded her head back and forth, "Kraug good! Kraug want chocolate!"

Harry tossed the bar into Kraug's reaching hands, "what are we going to do with you?" He sighed, more to himself than anyone else. But then he noticed something, Kraug had finally got what she wanted but seemed to have no idea how to go about enjoying the sweet treat she had received. She tugged at the wrapper inefectually with her teeth and grunted in frustration.

Harry began to tremble with rage. "Sirius! Those evil muggles never even taught Kraug how to eat! They probably never even fed her once!"

Sirius wiped a tear from his obsidian eyes and knelt down next to the unkempt little girl. She nearly bit his fingers off when he snatched the bar away but grew still and amazed as she watched him unwrap it. "Kraug?" She asked, turning her head to the side. Sirius gave the unwrapped chocolate bar back to Kraug, who held it and too tight and it fell apart. "Kraug!" She yelled in mournfull anger as the pieces scattered about the floor.

"Oh dear," said Harry. He bent down to pick up the pieces, locked eyes with Sirius, who nodded, then began to put them one by one into her mouth. "This is _eating_ , Kraug, this is how we eat things, okay? Understand, Kraug?" Sirius placed one hand on Kraugs chin and worked it up and down until she had figured out how to chew on her own. She ate the rest of the candy and even the other one with tears of joy in her rheumy eyes.

"Well, glad that's finally over," Harry said, trying to sound casual. He didn't want his rougish uncle to know that when Kraug's face had lit up at her first taste of chocolate he had begun to feel a strange tugging in his chest. He didn't take his eyes off of Kraug the whole way to Hogwarts...


	3. Chapter 3: Terrible at Pokemon

To pass time on the long train ride to school Harry decided to teach Kraug how to play pokemon He figured it'd maybe teach her some social skills, or at least distract her enough to keep her from pouncing on anyone else. He couldn't bare another such embarasment. Neville had been giving him the stink eye the whole afternoon because of the chocolate fiasco earlier.

"No Kraug," he sighed, already exasperated not even two moves into their first match. He thought she hadn't been paying much attention when he had gone over the rules earlier and now he clearly had proof. She had played Squirtle, seemingly in defense postion, the card was flopped carelessly down on the table at a brokeneck diagonal slant. "You were being idle earlier weren't you, Kraug?

She grunted and hunched in a defensive posture, eyeing him warily from beneath her rank, matted hair. "You silly, absent minded girl, what am I going to do with you?" Harry chuckled, he couldn't stay mad at Kruag, not with those eyes.

He leaned over the table and indicated her mistake on the playfield. "I've got an Electabuzz in attack position, you see? Squirtles are weak against Electabuzz becuase they're electric type. Like how water conduces electricitry, get it?"

Kraug grunted and nodded her head, then darted a frenzied gaze around the train. The whistle had just blown. Kraug became agitated and began hooting and barking in a grotesque paroxysm of the human tongue. She started biting the table, drooling and snarling, thoroughly ruining his first edition Squirtle card. He gaped in bewilderment, Squirtle had been his favorite, the last gift his mother had given him before the blackness of mortal finality had clutched her up in its black, ethereal embrace.

"I've had it, you beastly girl!" Harry jumped to his feet huffing and red faced, tears streaming freely. "If you can't act like a proper girl then I shain't be able to endure your ghastly presence a moment longer!" He stormed out of the room in a flury of indigence.

He met Sirius abruptly outside the compartment he'd been sharing with Kraug. "Oh Sirious, you must chaperon that loathsome girl for me, I no longer can." Before Sirius could enquire elucidation Harry stammered, "I just... I Just can't!" And he was off. Probably searching out Neville to wheedle his way back into the buxom hortaculturists good graces. Sirius loved his nephew but was secretly taken aback by the boys insentient social climbing.

 **Later, at Hogwarts**

Sirius led Kraug up through the pearly white gates in front of Hogwarts. The sparkling new structure was amazing, Sirius mused nostalgically on the many years since his last trip to Hogwarts. Ever since he'd been framed for the murder and sent to life in Azkaban he'd been unable to go anywhere for fear of arrest. And still to this day he was restrained from appearing in public because of the ever on his heels, odious accusations of murder and black magic.

He chuckled grimly, the world sure was a crazy place. Kraug had been mostly sedate, though getting off the train had proven a spot of trouble. She had refused at first to leave the cramped compartment, hissing and spitting at Sirius when he was finally forced to drag her out by her grimy, violently kicking ankle. Once outside the sight of the enormous school had quelled her raging passions. Sirius had almost forgotten how she'd spent her life in a dark drippy basement, this was the first building she'd ever seen and the spectacle took her raspy breath away.

On the way in Sirius had spotted Harry bumbling along at Nevilles heels, grinning like a fool and fervently agreeing with some lazy remark Neville had tossed out. Minerva stood by the door and counted everyone as they came in, they shook hands. "Oh, Sirius, right this way," she said, ticking off another count.

Sirius sat with Ron and Shamus and made Kraug's introductions. Harry walked past, briefly met eyes with Kraug, blushed and scurried on to catch up with Neville.

Once Minerva had finished her count of the students she glided into the great hall. The students were all cranky with hunger she could tell and quickly transmuted into a shaggy grey bull elephant with a broad, flat back. She galloped to the kitchens, had the house elves pile the food on her ample back and clattered back to the hall to serve the hungry witches and wizards.

After the delicious and prodigious meal had been thoroughly tucked away Albus whipped out the sorting hat and the assembled witches and wizards grew hushed, giddily expectant, as the names were called.

To his delight Sirius was sorted into Gryfindor, so were Ron and Kraug, Kraug had been unsure of the sorting hat at first but had eventually been persuaded into wearing it. Sirius figured this would be just about the best semester ever, but then, Harry was sorted into Gryfindor too...

He lost himself in the general hubbub on the way to the dorms and reflected grimly on his rotten luck. Here he was, after spending all summer escaping from Azkaban to go back to Hogwarts he was stuck playing mediator between Kraug and Harry. He grumbled the password to the Gryfindor portrait sulkily and huffed right away to his bed. He threw himself down on top of the cover, misty eyed and thoroughly dispirited.


	4. Chapter 4: Kraug : Out of Time!

Harry lounged in the bright midmorning sun. He and Neville had skipped class to fish for chocolate frogs in the lake. They were both huddled under Harry's invisibility cloak, Harry worried that maybe Neville had only invited him because of the magical garment but decided to just enjoy his time.

They laughed together as they watched the giant squid spin about ethereally under the surface of the water and Neville scooted closer to Harry. "Hey," Neville said turning his head in a whispery sussuration of fabric, he looked at Harry, a weird light in his eyes.

"What's up Nevil-" Harry's wrist jerked as something pulled at his line. He reeled whatever it was in and took a peek. A fat, glistening, chocolate frog floundered on the grassy, dry, land. Harry jabbed a fist in the air triumphantly.

Nevilles stomach grumbled and he pushed what he had been about to say back, keeping it locked away in its dark, reinforced containment at the back of his troubled mind.

After they had snacked the two young wizards went about their separate ways, hurrying to their respective fourth period classes. As Harry trundled up the lawn he passed a Defense Against the Dark Arts class in progress.

He watched as Luna and Padma's partronuses sallied about in the late summers wind. The two effervescent apparitions tumbled playfully, making Harry chuckle. He was glad that Padma was finally making some friends after the sudden, mysterious death of her twin sister. Ron sauntered up to her and the two began talking, bashful, often turning their faces away from the other to hide their blushing.

He still had a lot of questions about Ron so he siddled up casually to observe the red haired mystery a little better. Just then, another patronus caught his eye. It was a turtle, but not just any turtle. It had a tail, and was shooting a great geysering spout of water from its mouth! Squirtle! But who would have such a patronus he wondered then stopped short.

Underneath the patronus Kraug stood, hooting and jumping up and down gleefully, proud of herself and her wonderful new friend. The squirtle capered about a bit, all the while drenching the assembled students and their sodden instructor.

'She's not a selfish brute at all!' Harry thought. He was suddenly quite ashamed of himself and his earlier, churlish, behavior. He resolved to make things right with Kraug once the class was over.

He tried approaching her after the bell rang but she was immediately set upon by a gaggle of Gryfindor first year girls, he friends and ever present posse. They laughed and giggled, the raucous proof of their merriment creating a solid barrier of sound in a spherical outlay of sonic physicality around them. Harry trailed casually behind them and waited till Kraug was finally alone.

Finally a large group of the girls broke off and headed into the west tower. The few that were left, aside from Kraug, tore off, laughing and playfully shoving one another, bounding into the forest. Harry scurried up to Kraug quickly while he still had a window of opportunity open to him.

He put his hand on the back of her cloak and Kraug roared in surprise, jumping around to face him, her clenched fists raised above her head in a savage attack position. Harry stumbled back and yelped out an explanation. "Kraug! It's just me, Harry!"

"Kraug?" She asked, hunching down on her knees and knuckles she crawled toward him and sniffed his pant leg. The shaking, nervous boy waited a full minute before Kraug lept back to her feet and embraced him in a tight hug. "Harry! Harry come!" Kraug cried out happily. "Kraug _miss_ Harry..."

Harry scuffed his shoes on the ground, "yeah. Geez, Kraug, I've been a real jerk and wanted to apologize for what I said two months back, on the train ride here..."

"Kraug forgive Harry Potter!" She cried and embraced him in another clumsy hug. But she had accidentally pressed up against Harry's time turner in her thoughtless delight.

The two were zapped back in time viciously, careening about through parallel planes of existence and causality until the stood, dazed and nauseous, on the edge of a large, barren hillside. Hogwarts was nowhere to be seen!

Harry clasped his hands over his cheeks in horror. "Kraug! We've traveled far into the past! Hogwarts doesn't even exist yet! _We_ don't exist yet!" The full realization of this shocking truth toppled him over, literally. He fell upon his rump on the dusty, ancient ground. Just then he heard a scuffling sound off to his left. He turned in dazed curiosity to see a vast system of caves dotted here and there with crude, primitive fires.

Two cave men were fighting each other, snarling and biting, rolling about on the ground. One managed to extricate himself from the others grasp and scuttered over to a fallen haunch of meat. He raised it above his head and ululated triumph before running off with his prize.

Harry began to cry with bitter passion. He knew what he had to do. He placed his hand on Kraugs shoulders, the last time he'd ever touch her. Savoring the moment he waited until he had her attention. She'd been staring about in delight and rapture.

"I'm going to miss you, so much Kraug." He activated the time turner and zipped back to his rightfully place in the chronal continuum.

It was a hard and bitter thing, leaving her behind. He had just gotten her back and so soon the two were split, this time, it seemed, forever. It was for the best, he tried to convince himself. She would be happier, there, with her own kind.

Harry reappeared on the Hogwarts lawn, his vision momentarily occluded by tears and the dazzling sun overhead. When he could see once more he gasped.

Right there, on the lawn, where the lake should have been was a statue. A giant, momentous thing, wrought of gold with inlays of ivory. Towering above him, fifty majestic feet in the air, was the unmistakable likeness of... Kraug herself!

"What have I done!" He yelled, anguished, striken... alone.


	5. Chapter 5: History Lesson

Harry fidgeted uncomfortably all throughout History class. Snape droned on and on while Harry shot surreptitious glances at his fellow students.

They all seemed the same as when he'd last seen them. But he couldn't be sure. Just how much _had_ the world changed because of his fecund actions? Just then, something Snape said caught his ears.

"No one is sure exactly where the goddess came from." He said, utterly unenthused and rather dry. "But there is considerable speculation which seems to posit that she was not of the ancient times, but rather, a traveller from the future. These theorists point to her Squirtle patronus, with which she conquered the ancient world and established her reign, and speculate that she became aware of the first generation pokemon in our, and her own, 'home timeline' and brought the idea back with her. However-"

The bell rang. Snape, grimacing, shut the large leather bound tome he'd been orating from and placed it on his lecturn. As the students were bustling around packing their things Snape called out, "Homework is pages 4-11, due Monday, Kraug bless you."

Harry trundled out of the classroom, still in a daze, almost by now comfortable in such a state. He'd become numb to confusion by this point and simply drifted along, always watching his back, waiting for the right, for any, opportunity to set things right.

He felt as though he'd lost all of his teeth. It was like the world was a big crunchy potato chip he kept trying to nibble on only to have it stab mercilessly at his naked gums. In this timeline there was no such thing as stairs. The interconecters between floors were instead smooth ramps made of tempered steel with plastic abutements.

He had remained on the first floor all week for fear of someone noticing his inability to navigate the 'diagonal hallways' as they were called in this timeline. His rooms were on the lofty fifth floor and so he'd had to huddle in corners and crannies at night to gleam whatever pathetic semblance of sleep he could wring from the cold, long, unforgiving nights.

It was not all bad though. For one thing his uncle Sirius was not wanted for murder here. The raven haired fellow capered about the halls, dwarfing his much younger peers. Harry grinned to see the normally dour fellow so wholey enthused, but underneath it all a secret longing tugged at his heart. He missed Kraug fiercely.

But all that frustrated longing changed violently one day when he saw _her_. She was gliding her way gracefully down the diagonal hallway, stridently lecturing Ron Weasley about the importance of studious commitment to his studies when the two bumped into each other. "Kraug's sake!" She hissed, "watch where you're goi-" She cut short abruptly as her hazel eyes met Harry's, already a mutual bloom of affection tendriled between the two.

Harry brushed his messy black hair off of his forehead, "my fault. Right knackered today I guess, didn't sleep too well in that noisey old furnace room. Bit dead on my feet I am..." He apologized clumsily and too hastily.

"Sleep? In a _furnace_?" The girl tittered shrilly sending a ticklish convulsion down Harry's spine. "What a silly, odd fellow you are!"

Harry caught his mistake just a moment too late. He wasn't suppoused to let anyone know he didn't know how to use diagonal hallways and subsequently had to sleep wherever he could lay undisturbed for a few scant hours a night. "Just joking about, is all..." He replied and the girl fell upon him with wrenching laughter. Her lustrous brown curls bouncing in time with her heaving torso.

"Oh you are too funny! Let's have dinner together. By the way my name's Hermione!"

Harry, for once blissfull afternoon, forgot all about Kraug and their unfortunate misadventure in time.


	6. Chapter 6: The End Of The Mystery

Harry and Hermione laughed their way through lunch. They spilt at least three flagons of juice all over the table in their merriment. It got all over their friends until they were the only two sitting at the, wet, sticky table.

Harry skipped History that day to go to Runeology with Hermione and then they went to the dance together. They did the Hokey Pokey all night long and before they noticed it the sun was rising over the low hills just at the edge of campus. "Geez it's late," Harry said, "Lemme walk you to your room."

"Sure," Hermione blushed, "we're both Gryfindors so we'd have to go the same way to get back to our rooms anyway but I appreciate the offer, let's go." And they were off.

Harry's heart beat nervously in his chest, he wanted to hold Hermione's hand but at the same time thought it'd best to wait. Holding hands right after dancing was bad luck, and he waited for the agonozing window of safety to pass till it was would be safe to touch her palm skin.

They were almost close enough to the diagonal hallway to smell it when Harry spotted Ron Weasley out of the corner of his eye. What devilish timing! Here he was with the girl of his dreams when an opportunity to solve a mystery waddled right out in front of him. He couldn't possibly let the question of where Ron got his magic from go unanswered another day, but at the same time, he didn't want to leave Hermione's side.

Just then he got a dastardly clever idea. "Hey, Hermione," he whispered, "what say you we don't go to bed tonight and follow Ron Weasley around instead?"

Hermione grinned and nodded her head enthusiastically, "he'll love that, Ron is ever so much fun, let's!" She crouched low and together the two of them followed the red head all over the school.

"Yeah sure," Harry laughed, happy that his clever scheme had panned out so well, "but for now let's just follow him around quietly and see what he does."

Hermione loved fun pranks. She couldn't wait to get started, and, holding a hand to her face to hide her laughter she tugged him after her and they scuttled after their unsuspecting friend.

Finally!

Finally Harry could put aside that nagging question that had been plauging him since Ron came to him with his shocking confession earlier that summer.

Harry didn't know if he ought to warn Hermione that Ron could do magic or not. If she knew that she might not agree to shadow him so cheekily. He figured they'd probably be safe though, if any magic happened Harry could grab Hermione and run and yell a lot or something, anything, to distract her from the impossibility she would have then had recenlty witnessed. Such a sight would be sure to drive her mad and Harry couldn't bare to hang that on his concious.

Just then Ron went straight into the Gryfindor bedroom. "Well look at that," Hermione whispered gaily, "two birds one stone, we can go back to the dorms and follow Ron!"

Harry nodded his head eagerly, pushing away his earlier dobuts, "Yes! Let's!" And they crept on tiptoe into the bedrooms. Ron lay down right away and the two mischevious onlookers hunkered down silently beside his bed to observe him. Hermione giggled pretty much the whole time, Harry waited tensely for any sign of magic from Ron.

Just then, the lights shot on. Harry stumbled, reeling, light blinded away from Ron's bed, right into the arms of... Professor McGonagol! Harry couldn't believe his eyes. Hagrid was there, Cornelius Fudge too, and Dumblerdore. He spun in a shaky confused circle gapping and reaching for words. Hermione came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

"We're here to help you, Harry Potter." Ron said, sitting up in bed. "You're a wizard Harry!"

Harry didn't know what was going on. "But... But... Hogwarts!...?" He sputtered, still spinning around slowly, meeting all their eyes one at a time. Once he'd spun to face Dumbledore, the old wizard finished for him..."is a school for _magic_ Harry!"

"That means, all this time, the patronuses, the spells and potions... they were magic all along!"

"That's right, Harry, that's why everyone you konw at Hogwarts is a Wizard or a Witch," Hermione explained, patting his head. Everyone left them alone to it. Harry grabbed Hermione's hand, tears streaming fiercely from his pinched face.

"I had no idea, all this time!" He felt so foolish. Of course Ron was a Wizard, it all made sense now. "Well, I guess since that's all out in the open, I ought to come clean myself, Kraug..."

Hermione scrunched her face up in confusion, "Kraug? What's that?" She asked, leaning forward, completely entranced.

"It's... you. You're not really the original you, Hermione, I left you back in time with the other cave people because of how socially inept and volatile you were because of being raised in a basement with no human contact or stimulation of any kind for fourteen years. But when you went back in time you used magic to become the god of the cave people..."

"But Harry!" Hermione explained, grasping his shoulders in an explanatory grip that trembled ever so. "I can't have been raised in a basement, I remember almost all my birthdays and they were all at the zoo! Don't you see! It's me! The real Hermione!"

Harry began to cry even more. Hermione joined him, she was so confused. This mystery was too much for even her sharpened and honed intelect.

"Don't you see!" Harry wailed, miserably, "You weren't raised in a basement because in this timeline there's no taboo against magic and so you're parents raised you out in the open, because Kraug made everyone aware of magic back when they were still living in the caves!"

The two youngsters raised their heads and screamed in misery. What were they going to do now? How could they possibly go on, knowing what they knew now.


	7. Chapter 7: A New Riddle Emerges

Harry had slept fitfully all that night. He was awakened with a horrific start. There, right before him was a horrible cave woman brandishing a dinosaur bone. She yelt and hollered sending Harry into quite the state.

"Nooo" he huddled against the wall in anguish and great fear. "Me cave person," the beastly woman barked at him, scratching and clawing at his face mercilessly, "me no know what to do so me attack people and scratch them!"

Harry managed to toss the frightful thing off of him and scurry into the commmon room. He began to warn the others to flee but he was alone in the spacious, dim, room. "Me kill! Me kill!" The cave woman hurtled out of the bedroom and tackled Harry to the floor. He hit his head with a sharp crack and lay dazed while the somewhat familiar looking girl towered over him.

He kicked her feet from underneath her and she sprawled to the floor. He ran to the fireplace and grabbed a searing hot pocker. He brandished it at her and she spat in fury. "ME _KILLLL_!" and she sprung.

They rolled about the ground, Harry bashed her upside the head with the poker twice, three times, four! But still she would not relinquish her death grip from around his throat. His vision began to blur and his head began to swim sickeningly. Teetering over the precipice of conciousness. He fainted in a sticky pile of his own sick.

Hermione took off the cave woman costume, "What have I done!" She cried and grabbed her unconcious soul mate down the diagonal hallway to the nurses station.

 **Four Hours Later**

Harry finally came to. Huddled over his bed was Hermione. With her was Remus Lupin and Sirius, who had been wringing his hands nervously, hoping for the speedy recovery of his only living relative.

"Oh Harry!" Hermione flung herself onto Harry's bed, tears streaming freely. "I'm so sorry. I just wanted to show you how rediculous it was that you thought I was a cave person in a past life! I never meant it to go so far!"

Harry brushed her teary confession away absently. All was forgiven. "You were right, Hermione, I was being a major cad. How could I ever think that about someone as smart and driven as you?"

Sirius clapped his hand lovingly onto Remus's hunched shoulder and the two exchanged a gleeful look. "Best leave them to it old chap," Lupis said and the two old friends walked off hand in hand.

Once they were alone Hermione lifted her tear stung face to Harry's, "so you really don't hold it against me?" She sniffled.

"Of course not, let's just forget all about it. I already have pretty much, Kraugh who?! You're the only girl for me!" They embraced, overcome with finally leaping the final hurdle that had so frustrated their passions. "But there's one thing that's still puzzling me..." Harry anounced after a few silent blissful minutes had passed.

Hermione tensed. "What's that?"

"Well..." Harry started, trying desperately to organize his thoughts. His head still rang from the earlier oxygen depriavation he'd suffered. "It's just a little strange how Dumbledore never mentioned all that about magic to me before, we were both super curious about Ron becoming a wizard, or so I thought... But now that I've had some time to chew it over it just doesn't make sense!"

Hermione trembled all over. The one thing she had prayed to never happen was about to come true. And right before Kraugsmas too! She raked her brain desperately for some way to distract Harry. "Oh! They're about to put up the Kraugsmas lights in the great hall!" She remembered out loud.

Harry forgot all about that curious puzzle that had been teasing his deductive powers. "Let's!"

 **Later, After The Kraugsmas Ceremony**

McGonagol finished putting up all the lights on the Kruagsmas tree and the gathered holiday crowd began to disperse after a short hymn. "Kraug bless us! Every one!" Neville Longbottom broke out to a general smattering of applause. He blushed and then Voldemort chased him out of the room.

"Run Neville! _Run_!" Hermione wailed, "run for your life he's right behind you!"


	8. Chapter 8: Milkshakes

Harry wasn't feeling well at all. He was laying in his own bed in the Gryfindor tower because the nurses station was too full of people to take him in after Voldemorts attack. Ron had tried to cheer him up but when all his funny annecdotes and jokes were shot down with a surly disposition he give it up for a bad job and headed off to class.

Harry moaned and whined until Hermione strolled into his bedroom clucking like a hen with her hands on her shoulders. "You're never going to feel any better laying in bed all day." She said and dragged him to his feet.

"Where are we going?" He protested weakly.

"My mum and da always said the only thing for a nasty cold like what you've got is _ice cream_ and lots of it!"

They snuck into the kitchen after checking that the coast was clear. "But ice cream is far too cold for me to eat right now," Harry said, his teeth a clatter. He'd been shivering all day and night with his awful sickness and couldn't bare the thought of something so frigid in his gullet.

"I've got just the thing for that!" Hermione reassured him and pulled a box of fudge cicles out of the freezer. She plopped one into the microwave without removing the wrapper and set it. "We'll make you some hot coco instead!"

After about a minute Hermione opened the microwave door and peeked in. The wrapper wasn't doing its job at all! She had hoped that it would contain all the melted choclate inside of it so Harrry could drink it straight off the stick but it was seeping through and making a kraugawful mess. It was cleary not going to work the way she had planned. Oh well, she thought, and shut the door and restarted the timer.

They chatted idly while the timer wore down, stealing furtive glances at the other, sitll shy and indirect in their passion. Finally the kitchen was filled with a loud beeping indicating the microwave had completed its task. Hermione tried to pull the fudgecicle out but it was beyond melted and completely stuck to the little glass plate inside.

After a lot of coaxing she was able to pull some of the wrapper out. The melted chocolate pop had curdled and turned into a muckish black wax. Harry tried nibbling on an edge of it but it burned his mouth and he threw it in the trash huffily.

"That's it! I guess I'll just be sick forever!" Harry grumbled then fell into a pit of coughing. His face was streaming snot and sickly effluvia.

Hermione hated to see him like that. She soothed him with some lazy placations and put a couple more fudge pops in a bowl. "Here we go! This way the chocolate will melt into the bowl and not all over the inside of the microwave!" She set the timer for half an hour and the two played a quick game of checkers to pass the time.

When the timer dinged a second time Hermione scurried over and brought it out. Her preemptive laughter turned to ashes in her mouth, the choclate had melted in the bowl, but she must have set the timer for too long. There was barely any left in the bowl, it had pretty much all boiled and bubbled out, coating the inside of the microwave and thoroughly ruining it.

Harry skulked up behind her, eyed the burnt choclate and sighed loudly. "No worries mate," Hermione reassured, "maybe we can..."

Just then a clatter from the pantry caught their attention. With their wands drawn defensively they went to investigate.

There, standing in the darkest back corner was a strange bulky shape. There was a hyrdraulic whine as the thing moved closer to them and they finally got a closer look. It was a bipedal mech droid, silver and dull blue in color. It's legs were bulky with pistons which met at the crotch. Above that was a large chest, two arms with lazer cannons terminated from the ends of its shoulders. It had no neck, the face plate was at the top of the chest area. On top of its head was a mop of curly brown hair.

Harry tensed up all over. That hair... it looked so familiar, almost like...

"Greetings bioforms." The clunky construct intoned. "I am Mecha Granger 20-30. I have been sent from the distant future to ensure the safety of Hermione Prime."

Hermione backed away in confusion. " _Harry_! What is this?"

Mecha Granger 20-30 approached them, "Hermione Prime! You must come with me, there are dark witches and wizards who would do you harm!" Just then a swirling portal opened up behind 20-30. Hermione gripped Harry's hand in confusion and fear, but the young boy wizard already knew what to do next...


	9. Chapter 9: Revellio-ations

Harry couldn't believe his rotten luck. He had finally cleared up that puzzle that had been bothering him for so long and now a brand new mystery had landing perplexingly in his unwilling lap. Hermione trembled at his side, utterly confused, while before him the implacable robot stood, it's spiralling portal beckoning to him earnestly.

He had to get Hermione away, so he and the metal beast could talk one on one, he didn't want her around for that. "Let's play hide and go seek! I'll count to 12 while you go hide!" He blurted out to Hermione in a desperate gambit to extricate her from the situation.

"You know I love hide and go seek but _really_ , Harry, now's certainly not the time!" His half baked plan was shot down.

He thought he caught a vauge flexing of metal alloys that translated into a robotic smirk of self satisfaction. He tried again, "Hermione! I've poisoned your parents, you had better get to them and give them the anecdote right away!"

"How could you! I loved you!" Hermione wailed, and dashed from the room, already booking a flight to her South London suburb on her smartphone.

Once she had thoroughly gone Harry cracked his knuckles, cleared his throat. "Now, let's you and I get down to brass tacks, eh?"

"Error: Does not compute. Must ensure safety of Hermione Prime." The "robot" responded and made to leave the room and follow the bewildered brown haired mudblood.

"Shut your robotic lie hole, Strand, the gig is up, see?"

"Well well well, Shanks O'Malley, you sure are a sharp one aren't you?" The "robot" intoned, in a far more human register. It chuckled to itself grimly.

"They don't call me the Katana Kid for nothing," "Harry" responded.

Just then the robot disaperaed and standing in it's place was Shanks O'Malley's long time nemesis Dr. Moriarti Strand. "I almost had you that time Shanks! You'll never defeat the demon league though!" He disapeared in a cloud of smoke.

"Drat!" Snanks hissed under his breath and dashed about looking for some erstwhile clue as to where his foe had disapeared to. But unbeknownst to him Hermione had tripped and fallen flat on her face right outside the room. While she had struggled to regain her footing in vain she had been tantalized by the secrets that were whizzing about the room at lightning speed in her absence.

She had heard everything!

"Harry? What is this!? Why did that man pretending to be a robotic version of me from the future call you Shanks?" Tears of confusion streamed down her sooty face.

Shanks sighed, "listen here kid, you've just stepped into a whole world of hurt with first class tickets to the pain train. I tried to keep you out of it, but now that you've gotten this far it'd just be safer to keep going." He tut-tutted to himself forlornly, "you're in too deep now..."

Hermione rushed up to Shanks and hugged him fiercely. She couldn't believe that everything they had shared together had been a lie. "Just..." she hiccuped with sobs, "just tell me. I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth." Luna Lovegood was there too.

Shanks had no idea where to start, he faltered and grasped until finally his convoluted tale began to unfold with fits and starts. He had heard wind of a major operation going down at Hogwarts and needed to get there right away. His old foe Moriarti Strand was rumored to be involved, there was no way he could turn this job away.

But there was one catch. The inside job at Hogwarts was happening in an alternate timeline, one where Kraug had been left in the distant past to reshape the future with her Squirtle patronus. Shanks had snuck into Hogwarts disguised as Neville Longbottom and bided his time placidly.

Finally, one afternoon, he had seen his window of opportunity open just a crack. He had watched as Kraug accidentally activated Harry's time turner. With lightening speed Shanks had knocked the boy unconcious, doned his clothes and taken his place on the whiplash ride through time.

"But that means..." Hermione concluded.

"That's right," Luna said with a smirk. "I'm the real Mecha Granger 20-30!"

With that settled Hermione and Mecha Granger 20-30 leapt into the portal and whizzed through the timesphere all the way back to the unconcious Harry Potter on the school lawn.

He was rubbing his head which ached sorely from the blow that Shanks O'Malley had delivered. It felt like he'd been shot.

"Quick! There's no time to explain!" Hermione cried, grabbing Harry's arm and pulling him further back into time with her, "we have to get Kraug! She's the only one that can save us from the Demon Legion!"

It was a desperate ploy, but Hermione had lost too many friends to this. She couldn't just back out now. No matter where or when it took her, she vowed she would solve this case, even if the world had to end for her to do it, she would, she would.


	10. Chapter 10: On the Wings Of Destiny

Hermione and Mecha Granger 20-30 grabbed Kraug from the past and tossed her carefully into their waiting time stream modulation. Harry was still inside the sleek all white time capsule, he had been too dazed to fend off that oddly familiar girl and robot who had attacked him, as he saw it, earlier.

"Who are you cheeky lot anyhow?" He demanded, regaining his feet and adopting a fierce feline pose. The way he was standing was intimidating, and he knew it. He laughed to himself silently, 'i could stand like this all day!' he thought.

Hermione began to cry, earnestly. Here was the boy of her dreams, but to him, their time together had been a dream. Some effervescent fantasy that had wafted apart bounding alone the irreal and confounding planes of time. He could no more remember her than remember anything that had never happened to him, because she had never met Harry Potter, only that rougish rake, Shanks O'Malley and his clever, heartbreaking disguises.

"I never loved you!" She shuddered all over with the sudden realization.

Harry's knees buckled and he fell to the ground, rended emotionally. "Who are you?!" He wailed in confused torment.

Just then Mecha Granger 20-30's com-watch began chirping out its urgent, yet still somehow pleasant, tone. Harry eyed the green and purple wristwatch with equal parts admiration and jealously, "nice schwag," he nodded. MG23 blushed and hid her face, poorly, for her face was 4 cubic feet across, behind the sleek little screen. On it was a holographic likeness of none other than Shanks O'Malley himself, calling out for Hermione.

"You must come quick! I'm sorry for tricking you earlier, You must come quick!" The prerecorded message repeated and repeated. He had been waiting for her, after all... at the begining of timne!

"He really does love me!" Hermione clapsed her hands in delight, Kraug watched her warily, confused by and yet drawn into the bubbling welter of happy emotions. Just then, to crush Hermione's joy an apparition coalesced before then with a wicked snap! It was Voldemort, he was grinning maliciously and stroking the unconcious forehead of Shanks O'Malley, he laughed, showcasing his ferocious pounted teeth.

Harry and Kraug embraced in trembling horror. "Kraug no like bad wizard!" Kraug yelled, her distinctive, raspy voice somehow familiar to Hermione and Mecha Granger 20-30.

"Now that I have your attention," Voldemort intoned, with much indulgent malice. "Meet me by the Pteradon skeleton by four o'clock," he traced his sharp nails down his face, making his pale skin flab grotesquely. "Or your precious detective is no more!"

 **About An Hour Later**

The four companions had been stumbling through the weltering expanse of sand with so far no luck at finding the bones their foe had indicated earlier. There were fully formed skeletons everywhere. A few taxidermied ancient mammals, a saber tooth tiger, wooly mammoth, etc, but no pteradon! Just then, when they were about to give up hope, Voldemort apparated before them.

Kraug threw a rock by it was deflected by Voldemorts psycho-magic barrier. Voldemort paralyzed Kraug with a foul hex and hovering in the air appraoched Hermione. He flung on a bit of prosthesis and Hermione gasped, fouling herself in her shock. Floating in the air was the evilly triumphant visage of Shanks O'Malley!

"That's the shady fellow who's been trailing me all week!" Harry barked out, forgetting himself in the rapture of solving yet another mystery. Hermione cracked her knuckles, "yeah! That's him! The evil sneak who goes around confusing people and mucking about with their hearts!"

With a roar of fury Hermione leapt to meet Voldemort, even as he remained suspended, 10 feet in the air. She delivered a massive blow to his chin and sent him spiraling, conflagrating on the way, into space.

A great lion-headed visage appeared in the sky. "For all his dark magics, this dark impression of a man was unable to stand against the power of your passsionate heart!" The great thundering voice boomed out across the skyscape. "I dub thee, Hemrione Lion Heart! Forth, time child! Go Forth on the wings of destiny!"

Harry rushed up to Hermione to clap her congratulatorily on the back but stumbled in consternation. In his madcap rush his time turner had slipped out of his pocket and shattered on the rocky barren ground.

"Nooo!" Kraug wailed, still paralyzed and laying prone on the ground. Some beetles were rucking about in her tangly mop of hair.

Harry began to cry fiercely. His only hope of returning to the time he loved gone, after so long, so many misadeventures and pratfalls. Just then, to his astonishment, Mecha Granger 20-30 clanked over to him and began running its gun barrel hands through his hair.

"We'll just have to wait," Hermione agreed and layed a hand on Mecha Granger 20-30's shoulder. "And who better to spend the time with than my new best friends?" Harry smiled, his tears, forgotten. Lost in time.


	11. Chapter 11: Time Capers

Voldemort.

Dead.

Finalyl.

Hermione had raged a quarterless war against the dark lord all her life. She was shocked to find that chapter so suddenly closed. But it was fitting, she suppoused, that the man that many feared would end time had met his end at the begining of time. 'Life sure is crazy,' she thought with a deep inward sigh.

Several days had passed and Kraug remained paralyzed. Mecha Granger 20-30 had initially tired to cure Kraug's affliction with her steely cold science but Harry had scoffed at the idea, causing tears of shame to burts from MG23's tear valves.

"Well you've certainly learned a lot today," Hermione faux-praised Harry. He had blushed with pride initially, but her scornfull tone arose on his mental palate like some extrasnensory aftertaste of melodious nature. "You've learned a lot indeed! A lot about bullying robots and being crude!" She strode off with the still sobbing MG23 and Harry was left to think about what he'd done.

As always, Kraug was there with him, but she still couldn't move and wasn't reallly much of a conversationalist to begin with and Harry eyed MG23 and Hermione Lion Heart's dance party with mopey jealousy.

Finally, one day, magic struck twice. Harry and Hermione were both going to fish out some fresh coconuts from the river for their respective mid'noon snacks and they bumped heads. The two fell instantly into spasms of uncontrollable laughter. They'd not had a proper giggle in ages, in all that time spent waiting. Instantly all the bad blood between them was exsanguinated in an aterial spray of forgiveness.

Harry and MG23 and The Time Child passed the time, waiting for their time to catch up with them so they could go back to Hogwarts and tell of their grand adventures, by playing leap frog and truth or day for millenia on end.

And then.

 _Quite suddenly._

Hogwarts! Neville! Professor Sprout, Flitwick and Padma! They were all there again, and just beyond, _Hogwarts_ ; grand as ever. The front lawn was bubbling with a raucous crowd, who had come to usher in the return of the golden trio. MG23, Hermione Lion Heart, and the fearsome god Kraug, with her turtilian aspect and magic powers. They surged and swelled over the little group, nearly trampling all over poor Harry, who in the confusion had to back pretty far away. His stumblng backwards regression cruelly cut off by a toss on his rump when he'd tripped over a gnarled tree root.

He eyed the cheers and salivations of adoration the trio inspired. Not so long ago he had been special. _The boy who lived_ , he spat with self pity driven disdain.

More like; the _boy who was...forgotten_

But he was far from the only one with tears of envious languor misting his vision. Clutching Ron's shoulder, there was Padma. So recently had her twin departed from her, the wound still fresh and raw, and here before her... Kraug and her double set of twins, the sleek and sassy MG23 and the Time Child herself. No. No, it wasn't so long ago that Padma had had someone almost just like her and infinitely special to her. But fate had snatched that away. He knew Ron was friends by association with Kraug, which made him friends once removed of Hermione and MG23, so she played nice.

But underneath her brittle smiles and nods, a poison secret clutched at her tender heart.


	12. Patil's Apocalypse Part 1

All that week Harry was pricked relentlessly by the neverending welter of praise that the Golden Trio inspired. People often bustled him out of their way to get closer to poor paralyzed Kraug or Mecha Granger 20-30 or the Time Child, ignoring him completely.

Every day it was, "Time Child!" this, and "Kraug take a selfie with me!" that. Everywhere they went were Mecha Granger 20-30 cosplayers and hangers-on. A constant deluge of fans.

Neville no longer had any interest in Harry either which stung something fierce. Harry had been feeling like the two were finally growing close. All that had been snatched away in the bouncing sunbeam-colored curls of the 'Golden Trio.'

The whole weekend Harry was extra crabby, snipping at just about anyone who acknowledged him, a growing minority it seemed. He began spending more and more time with his erstwhile neglected friend, Ron, and Ron's new romantic intriuge, Padma. Padma was going through a bit of a dark phase and had dyed her hair raven black in mourning for her lost twin.

Ron did his best to keep Padma's spirits up with his insatiable enthusiasm. He had no idea why she'd suddenly become so dispondent upon the long heralded return of the Golden Trio. She had seemed to have made so much progress until that point. But on that very afternoon her glum insistancy returned with a passion and although she suffered Ron's embarasing interventions with good grace for her love of him she did so only out of an adjunct of pity. And he could tell. He was too brazenly optimistic to have noticed this outright, but his subconcious nagged him mercilessly with the half form, semi accepted jangled edges of truth that the girl he loved was only humoring him.

In a way she was. But she still loved him, in a way. A fierce passion pulsed for him in the darkly tangled byways of her twisting heart. She meant well, but feared her very affections were poison gifts, to be doled out with sorrow and bitter tears...

Padma hung out with Luna after class with growing frequency. Ron didn't know what the two chatty girls yammed on about and often feared he was the subject of many late night giggles of malice and spite.

Maybe the truth would have disheartened him.

Maybe.

Not all can be as brave as Harry Potter, ever seeking to unlock grim and esoteric mysteries on a daily basis. Harry would have noted with philosophical dispassion the fact that he was never even mentioned on girl's night. Not Ron. It would have left a hole in his heart for sure. It was lucky for them both that Harry Potter wasn't on that particular case. This was one pandora's box Ron couldn't afford to pry into.

"So my dad was running a whole series last week, in the Q, about this ancient race," Luna was prattling on. Padma smiled, feigning delighted interest.

They were at their usual spot, the moonlit terrace outside of the Occlumency tower. Padma was laying on her back, luxuriating in the bath of light cool night shine while Luna stood, paced, and stood. Luna kept her left hand tangled in her blonde hair and a stream of nonsense theories and half baked idealogies poured out her feckless mouth.

" _They_ were the original Wizards, but they got frozen in ice you see..." Luna was spouting.

Padma nodded.

She nodded, and plotted...

After potions class Harry stuck around, with the majority of his classmates and quite a few passerby, to watch the argument between Snape and Sirius. Sirius had been strolling cockily down the hall when Snape had slipped from behind obscured and oily shadow and clutched Sirius's arm, whispering some fierce approbation for his ears only.

They argued in hisses and whispers for quite some time and the ever growing crowd oozed closer to hear, but were unable. Whatever it was, it soon inspired blows. Snape had suddenly shoved Sirius, sending him spilling through the hall. The crowd gasped.

Sirius landed with a heavy thud. "You're lucky I don't paralyze you," Snape warned before Sirius had regained his feet with an intentionally infuriating arrogant sneer.

Sirius laughed a darkly glower and spat. "A _paralyzing_ _hex_? Like what Voldemort did to Kraug!"

The crowd gasped once more, even louder. This blow, though not physical, had force in a category all of its own. A category... of devastation.

"Oy! Voldemort! He's that bloke who done in Kraug right nasty!" Someone in the crowd jeered. Severus had surely lost the crowd. All the kids gathered glared at him viciously.

"Ye!" Someone else rejoined, "He done paralyzed our God Kraug, he did!"

With that the gaggle of onlookers was on the verge of becoming a ferocious mob. Only instead of having pitchforks and torches and shotguns, each with a dangerous wand raised in righteous malice. Snape began to fold in on himself and the catcalls doulbed and trippled, echoing about the stone enclosure by some magic of masonry.

The ceaseless, houdning accusations of death eating had plauged Snape grievously. And now this. He had misspoken foolishly and here fate was, kicking him while he was down, which seemed like all the time, these days. It was all he could do, accepting the charity of Dumbledore, without grovelly reversions. Snape began to cry, fiercely. His sorrow was componded by the shame his wet eyes and cheeks brought upon him via spectacle. He rushed away before anyone could puzzle just what had started the conflict.

Harry was about to start sluething out the details of this shadowy encounter when he was suddenly aware of the presence of MG23. She had disentangled from her normally inescapable star struck retinue during the distraction and had been tangling her gun hands up and down in Harry's cloak affectionately and in secret. She blushed and began to scamper away when Harry finally noticed her fertive strokings.

"No!" Harry gasped, shocking even himself, "don't go! I don't mind, really." He thought it was rather nice. All that time they'd spent together in the prehistoric dessertscape of interminadable waiting they had grown awfully close. But Harry had been distracted with Kraug's paralysis and hadn't noticed that the bulky constructs affections for him had evolved much beyond the enclosures of friendship. But her affections _had_ broken out and they galloped off brazenly into the surrounding wild expanses of love.

He thought, just maybe, he was ready to meet her there. To share that grand journey.

"Want to go out tonight? Some Butterbeer? Maybe the new Simon Pegg movie or somesuch?" He offered and MG23 clanked riotously up and down in anticipation.

The two spent the rest of the afternoon together in a blurry haze of easy conversation and frequent laughs. There were also not a few content and blissfully silent moments peppered like golden nuggets of tranquil joy throughout.

Though sadly their time could not stretch out like that forever. "I've got to go recharge my power cells," MG23 said, even then unable to stifle a yawn.

"Oh you poor, tired thing," said Harry, giving her his cloak and draping it over her sleek metallic shoulders. She was sorry to go, but already dreaming about the dinner and movie that awaited her later that evening.

"I can't wait to go watch a Simon Pegg movie with you later tonight," Harry said.

"See you then, bioform designate: Harry Potter," MG23 intoned over her shoulder as she subtly blended with the shadows of the distance with her passing.

To pass the time Harry decided to begin inspecting the scene of Sirius and Snape's earlier fight. To his surprised delight he met Ron there, hanging about with a stolid sort of dejected boredom.

"Oy pal, what're you doing here on a Friday?" he called out to his red headed pal as he approached.

Ron looked up suddenly, he had zoned out and quite forgotten himself til just then. "Oh, Harry, err... What's the deal? What're you getting into mate?"

Harry plucked a magnifying glass out of his immaculate robes and began pacing about, all huntched over like some ghoul. But a ghoul that devoured clues, not corpses.

"Hanging about in hallways after class now, eh?" Harry joked while searching.

Ron become momentarily defensive. "What's your ear on fire about then mate?" He huffed, "just doing a spot of loitering, yeah? No crime there..." he trailed off into a halfhearted mutter. Scuffed his hand me down sneakers on the stone floor.

"Ease off, mate, just having a laugh," Harry chided, still absorbed in his measurements and deductions. Ron felt somewhat indignant that he couldn't hold all of Harry's attentions, though his friend had always had a soft spot for intriuge. Ron figured he oughtn't fault Harry for that. Might as well judge the moon for shinning or the earth for spinning.

"Been chewing over that spat earlier I take it," Ron said finally.

Harry put away his detective equipment. He cracked his knuckles cagily, with that restless energy that always flooded him when a mystery caught his fervors.

"Yeah.." Harry responded after a few dragging seconds. "It's awfull suspicious, Snape throwing around threats like that, might be he's up to something..."

Ron flinched. He knew Harry was still raw about Kraug's paralysis. Heck, everyone was. But Harry seemed to take it a step too far, into a maladaptive region of obsession. "You think he had something to do with..."

Harry spun to face Ron with a frenzied sussuration of whirling robes. His face was pinched and not a little red. "If there's even the slightest chance that he was involved..." His passion was too great to articulate and he gagged on his words and the bitter taste of his impotent rage.

While Ron waited indulgently Harry composed himself with visible effort. "If there's even a chance that they know the same spell... We must know, he may be able to reverse the effects..." He managed.

Ron sighed. This again.

"Harry, mate. Voldemort's been dead. You of all people should know, you _witnessed_ it for yourself. There's no way Snape is a death eater, there's no way he could know Voldemorts secret hexes!"

 _Witnessed_

Why was it, Harry wondered, that Kraug and MG23 were always remembered as complicent in the downfall of the dark lord while he was always cast as the innefectual witness. The Time Child was the only one who'd actually done anything. MG23 and Kraug, paralyzed as she was, were both as inactive as Harry had been. Yet they had been deified by Hogwarts as aspects of a holy trinity of hip.

And where did that leave Harry? Right at the corner of Bitter Street and Disillusioned Junction.

"Not all that you've heard, the _'Golden_ _Trio'_ " he spat the popular nickname with bitter envy. "Anyone can dye there hair that color... doesn't mean it looks good."

Ron was dumbfounded. "What's all this? You're starting to sound like Padma!" He blurted out in his confusion. 'I thought the Golden Trio and Harry were besties, like d'Artangan and the Three Musketeers...' Ron thought.

Harry sighed, deflating. His blood pressure equalized and suddenly he was purely calm. "Let's just leave off it. I don't know what I was on about."

Ron nodded, " _Right_... Well anyhow, finding the source of that fight's not like to bring Kraug the use of her body back. No matter how bad you wish it." Before Harry could react badly to that he added, with equal parts sincerity and haste, "We all do."

His emphatic earnestness broke through Harry's defenses. The two shared a nod of affinity. "The best we can do for her is to support her in this transitory stage. It can't be easy on her, the poor thing..." Ron continued and concluded.

They nodded silently once more. A little ritual to assuage the tragedy of the once upon a time Goddess of the ancients.

Just then they heard a loud scuffle erupt right outside of the school. They rushed to the nearest exit in a reckless abadonment of curiosity. The fight seemed to be growing in pitch; snarls, rips, slaps, blows and howls of pain and fury could now be heard plainly.

"Whatever it is, it's close!" Harry yelled as he scurried down the corridor shoulder to shoulder with Ron.

They were nearly upon it, when, out of nowhere, Neville Longbottom! They crashed into Neville at great speed, having just rounded a corner and thereupon deplete of the wherewithal to slow down in anticipation. The dazed trio fell tangled to the floor while the ferocious fracas continued to resound just outside the school's walls.

By the time they had loosed themselves from the stammering and confused Longbottom fellow the whole ordeal abruptly cut short. As fast as they'd occured the frantic sounds had cut short.

Ron and Harry heaved gasping out into the cool night air and heard just off in the distance a scampering as if of padded feet fleeing swiftly into the brush. They both stumbled to a halt outside in the cool dark, hands on their knees, huffing air greedily.

It was Neville who heard the moans from the bushes. He had followed the two in his own time eager to find out what all the fuss was about.

He soon found out more than he had bargained for.

Laying, battered in the holly bushes adorning the walls was Susan Bones. She was unconscious and quite the mess. While Neville waited with her Ron and Harry dashed off to rouse Madame Pomfrey.

The whole madcap flight to the nurses station Harry couldn't block out the horrific images of Susan Bone's condition. She had been attacked no doubt. As if by some beast. The cold full moon shone relentlessly overhead and as he ran, Harry wondered.

Completely unaware of the growing hubbub on the far side of the school Luna and Padma wore their girls night out to an end. Luna had babbled on for quite some time about her father's theories about the goblin wars, "the war of goblin agression" she had called it, along with a handfull of her fahter's only marginally crazier views.

Padma tolerated Luna's guilable parrot routine for covert reasons. In it's own unique way... it had its uses.

Earlier that semester Luna had started her very own paper, The Hogwarts Daily, and it had, to everyones bemusement, proven a surprise success.

Maybe a large precentage of the subscribers only collected it for the daily Sudoku puzzles, as it was the latest study hall procrastination trend, but still, enough students read it to have an effect. Padma had a sharp ear for details and couldn't help but notice that people had begun casually referring to things they'd read in the Daily as fact.

It had given her many exciting, elicit ideas.

Luna was likely to believe and repeat anything she heard. So were many of her many subscribers. It wasn't too far a logical leap for Padma to miss the obvious application and benefit of these character quirks.

With ineluctable patience she began laying the seeds for a narrative. One that would paint the Golden Trio as she saw them in the dark eye of her hearts twisted, woe corrupted core. She wove a thread of nonstop insinuations and hints into Luna's foolish, guileless ears.

She loved Ron and wished that could be enough. But her soul was yearning for two now, and Parvati's restless spirit clamored for defamation and slander, a darker sort of nourishment.


	13. Patil's Apocalypse Part 2

Ron and Harry spent pretty much the entirity of that night waiting outside the nurse's station with baited breath. Susan just had to be okay. She just _had_ to.

Neville, the gossipy nit that he was, had raised the alarm right after the attack and there was a whole crowd of sleepy eyed students milling about in the now cramped and close hallway corridor. Pansy Parkinson and Draco Malfoy where there, sniggering and trading crude comments about Susan's condition in typical Slytherin fashion.

"It'd have to've been a blind beast what attacked her," Pansy said, maliciously, "otherwise it'd of run off at first sight of her _ghastly_ face!" Draco and the mean spirited Slytherin girl doubled over with guffaws of hateful laughter. Susan had been in a rather bad car accident over the summer and her face was still lined with stitches after her trying and lengthy reconstructive surgery.

Ginny whipped out her wand and prepared to deliver a savage bat bogey hex. Ron tackled her against the wall, nearly snapping her wand in two. "None of that lil sis," he hissed, "or the Slytherins are sure to win the house cup this year!" Ginny shot him a baleful glare and stomped away to much jeering from the little pocket of Slytherins who were so intent on fouling up everyone's night.

"Control your dog Weasley," Malfoy guffawed at his own cruel humor. Pansy clutched her sides in an absolute dervish of self satisfaction.

With a great show of self control Ron let the remark slide off of him like water.

Finally the great clock struck 2 am and the crowd began to disperse, wholely unsatisfied and with much worry still floating around the dire predicament of their woe befallen classmate.

That night Susan Bones's dreams were filled with jet black fur and the gnashing of saber like teeth. She shivered and clutched at her blankets in her unconcious delirium of terror, some small part of her mind willing the night terrors to pass on, to pass on. But they would not.

 **The Following Morning**

The next morning Harry woke up with a thundering crack. He jolted out of bed, desperate to believe that the wild and sordid happenings of the previous night had been all some foul weltering of vapors and ill humors but the general despondancy and nervous tension prevading the Grfyindor common belied his ill conceived self deception.

Everyone was on edge. Worried about the Night Stalker, the Hogwarts Monster, the Beast.

He strolled lackadasicaly to the dinning hall and plopped down with a groan. Ron and Padma were there, their heads buckled together as usual while Ron whispered silky insinuations into Padma's dainty ear. Luna was beside Padma, balthering on about goblins and their sneaky ways, generally and easily ignored as usual.

Seamus seated himself across from Harry, his broad forehead glistening with sweat. "You seen the _Daily_ , eh, Potter?" Seamus inquired eliciting a beam of self satisfaction from Luna's ivory face.

Harry grumbled some response, still not much in it yet. He hadn't had his coffee yet and the whole world could go and fall in a pit for all he cared at the moment. He was ever so tired. Having spent the night woefully distracted and bewildered as ever he was in his life.

Seamus chuckled with a dour set about his ruddy features. "Well well, you may be in for a bit of a shock I tell you."

This got Harry's attention somewhat. He raised his dazed head in query and Seamus continued with redoubled gusto.

"Yep. Ol' _Daily_ had some rather pointed things to say about your pal the Time Child it did..."

Under her curtain of jet black hair Padma smirked with grim consternation. Her plans were yielding fruits already. But not just any fruit. Nothing sweet, that was for sure. The fruit her plans yeilded were bitter, poisoned things. She longed to throw her patient plotting and waiting to the wind and begin her all out pyschological assault on the Golden Trio immediately, but witheld her raging passions. She would see this through to the very end, with her inescapable, unavoidable patience.

"Leave off about the darn Golden Trio for a Kraugblasted moment will you," Harry huffed, regretting giving Seamus the time of day. His jovial nature always rounded him into a spot of some sort.

Seamus glowered and shrugged. He began stuffing great heaps of buttered rolls into his craw, splaying crumbs about the table and those seated nearest him. "No need to get so cheeky, pal." He mumbled under layers upon layers of buttery golden bread. "Just thought you'd like a headsup's all." He concluded, in a final spattering of flakes.

"Yeah, thanks a lot mate," Harry managed. He had felt the cruel claws of despondancy clutching at his throat trying to strangle away his bitter words. He got up to leave and Luna bumbled after him leaving a trail of silly off the wall expostulations behind her. Something about "the Wizard's burden" or other.

Harry wondered why the strange little blonde haired girl was following him but didn't question it too fiercely. It was nice to have people always nipping at his heels once again. In the old days he was the most famous wizard alive... and he had hated it. If only he knew then what he knew now. About the addictive and alluring nature of fame.

He humored Luna all the way to his first period class, potions. Luna was slated to take Occlumency all the way opposite the school grounds but she dogged his steps regardless. Unbeknownst to the embittered boy wizard Luna had been sent to follow Harry by her new best friend Padma.

Sandwhiched between her non sequitors of unabashed paranoia and familial aggrandizement were seemingly innoculous questions and queries about the golden trio. Luna, for all her whims and fancies was a rather sly girl and did her best to word these leading inquiries in a way that would not prickle against Harry's pride and for the most part she succeded.

"Well..." Harry pondered out loud in response to her last mention of Hermione Lion Heart, "well I guess you could say she doesn't have much investment in the lives of the people here in this timeline, being from another timescape entirely... But... No I don't suppouse that translates to any sort of callous indiference... surely..." But the words began to ring falsely in his mind... maybe she really didn't care.

"Anyhow, I'd best be off, you know how Trelawny gets when her students dally!" Luna said, giggling behind her hand.

"Yeah, right," Harry laughed. "Suspect she's had a nip at the sherry too..." he added, catching Luna's bright blue eye momentarily.

He was seriously curious about her sudden attentions to him. And not a little bit curiously pleased as well.

"Totally. I'm so sure," Luna agreed. Harry giggled heartily, glad to share a risque shot at a faculty member.

Luna was playing coy and relishing in this newfound power her previously unemployed feminine wiles so suddenly garnered for her. She swelled with the energies Harry directed her way in his navietee and found a grim pleasure from a miasmic space at her core she had met newfound.

These black feelings had shocked Luna at first, but ever since she'd befriended Padma she had felt a growing sense of brazen confidence. Something she had surely previously missed out on, even to the point of having convinced herself that she had never even needed it to begin with.

Just last year she had been content to stumble through the obscure intersections and dead ends of the social rat race that snaked invisibly, for the most part, through every occurrence and situation.

Reveling in innocuousness... What a foolish concept, she thought. ' _I am Luna, hear me roar!_ ' She laughed to herself and the silly boy took it as a sign of complicit joy. Harry was slowly but surely coming under her puissant thumb.

After an interminable guerilla interview with that absolute cad Harry Potter she had finally wrangled some bit of darning quorate for the second part of her Golden Trio Expose.

"I better jet though," Luna said, leaving him wanting more.

The potions dungeon was damp and shadowy as ever. Snape was there, lurking behind his lectern. He was still badly abashed from his public shaming the other day and in an especially sour mood.

"You were very nearly late, Potter!" He spat when he saw Harry. "10 points from Gryfindor!" Pansy Parkinson snickered and Malfoy and Goyle high fived. The Slytherin Squad were sure to win the house cup now.

Harry couldn't believe his ears. He still had a full minute and a half to get to his seat before the tardy bell clangored. "But that's absurd," he burst out. "I'm not late _yet_!"

Snape trembled all over with anger. He had not encountered such flagrant insubordination in all his lengthy, lonely days. "1000 points from Gryfindor! Now find your seat _Potter_ or it'll be a million!"

"More like Harry Potterswheel," Goyle sniggered.

Of course Snape did nothing to reprimand him, he eve curled his thin white lips in the a close semblance of a smile. On him it was a leer and quite unsettling.

The few scattered Gryfindors gasped and transferred their ineluctable rage toward Harry. Harry slumped into his seat bombarded from all sides by feeble glowers. He could practically feel the tear misted eyes of his Housemates crawling all over his taut young body.

Snape's droning incantations signaled the beginning of class and Harry gratefully disappeared from the malefic stares of his ruefully assembled peers. The class progressed as usual, with Harry struggling to catch up and Snape flagrantly embellishing the praises he sailed to his Slytherin students while cruelly shooting down the other students, especially the Gryfindors he loathed so much.

Harry had planned as usual to copy Hermione's work but she seemed unnaturally distracted that ill fated morning. She half heartedly slogged through Snape's dirge of instructions and admonishments and her resultant practice potion for the day was a murky black morass of failure which Harry couldn't even manage to replicate. At least hers didn't emit a foul stench like Harry's did. Snap had sneered at the odorous solution with self import and written in big red strokes F on Harry's class work scorecard.

He had tried to pass a note to the Time Child but she had dropped it into her bubbling concoction, watched it dissolve and paid no further heed to him and his prodding and whispers. The most she invested in him was an exasperated _shush_! here and there. Otherwise her eyes were set firmly straight ahead, occluding him from her orbit of sight.

Once that merciful saving bell had rung and class concluded for the day Harry had tried to delve into the mysteries of Hermione Lion Heart's surly disposition. Of course he couldn't let _this_ mystery fall by the wayside.

But, before Harry could pry Hermione had stuffed earphones into her head and scampered off with Atreyu blasting out from underneath her unruly mop of light brown curls and ringlets. People gave her a wide berth, but had no such consideration for Harry, who had to struggle and shove his way through the reforming crowd on his way after her.

A couple of third year girls stalled in the walkway blocking Harry's passage. They admired the Time Child from the rear, "she's so hip!" One of them caterwauled in an ecstasy of fandom.

After a few trying minutes of struggle Harry finally lost sight of her. He slouched against the cold stone walls outside of Dumbledore's office in consternation. What had gotten into that crazy lass? he wondered.

He was so absorbed in his wondering, wandering thoughts that he didn't notice Ron approaching him. The redheaded pauper socked him playfully on the shoulder causing Harry to jump and drop his books and quills. They scattered about the floor eliciting cruel giggles from a gaggle of passing Slytherins.

"What's gotten into you Ron Weasley! Didn't your mother ever tell you not to sneak up on people!?" Harry wanted to know, projecting his frustrations on Ron without fully realizing it. He calmed down almost immediately and apologized for his snippy-ness.

With ineluctable ease Ron sheared the tension and the two hugged after a bashfully indulgent moment of synchronicity.

"Anyway," Ron eventually sallied forth, "how's Kraug then? Still paralyzed?"

Harry sighed, "yeah, pretty much."

Remus passed them; the friendly duo called out to him but he was scurrying along at a near frantic pace and didn't seem to notice them, or to care to.

"That's odd," Harry said, frowning. He began to wonder about all the mysteries swirling around him. They were so daunting and numerous. What had attacked Susan last night, why was Hermione Lion Heart so lugubrious and emotionally taut, where the two related?

Harry shuddered. 'What a nefarious line of thought,' he said to himself, and decided to just try and forget about it. There are some mysteries that should be left to lay with dogs in the sleeping dust. "What does it all mean," he ventured, in a breathy rasp of wonder. He was content to be confused.

"It really makes you wonder," he concluded throatily.

"Yeah sure does. Like, I was wondering just earlier today about all that in the _Daily_ about the Time Child, and not having an appendix... That's so crazy, I can't believe you almost dated her." He had admitted a little more than he meant but to his bewildered joy he realized that Harry hadn't caught the latest issue of the D, it _had_ sold out pretty fast he conceded. He'd no clue and was too shocked to even noticed Ron's little faux paus.

"No... No Appendix? I don't understand, how can that even... Ron? Tell me more please I'm very curious about this whole subject now. It had previously escaped my knowledge but seems potentially vital to deciphering Hermione Lion Heart's earlier behavior, which was initially baffling to me."

Ron filled him in. "Well," he started with a bit of relish, "Being from an alternate timeline... the one where Kraug was god in, right?"

Harry nodded. 'Poor Kraug, from godhead to paralysis, so sad...' he thought. But he kept that to himself. Unlike Ron he didn't spew out every little fancy that crossed his mind.

"Well, _er_ , yeah," Ron continued, wondering if he could drag out the juicy guilty pleasure of telling any further, "so in that timescape people don't even have appendixes. It's pretty wild..."

Just then the Time Child stomped into their midst. They were both suddenly quite red-faced, and for Ron that was something of an accomplishment.

"Having a little chat?" she queried with a vicious bent upon her words. "Little back and forth, huh?"

Neither dared answered her furious rhetorical question. They both found something very interesting too look at along the wall, unable to contact their guilty eyes with her.

"I don't even care about that _stupid_ article anyway, Luna is a misguided curiosity at _best_ , I'm here, _Harry_ , to ask you if maybe forgot a little something something last night." She crossed her arms and tapped her foot menacingly.

Tap tap tap. The fervor or her rhythmic impatience increased with rapid exponentiality. "Well? Can't remember a single thing you forgot last night? _Eh_? Too busy snickering about a by the way completely illogical bit of slander..." She became momentarily even more flustered and lost her words.

Harry and Ron exchanged looks knowingly.

"Look. People in this timeline don't even need their Appendixes, okay? It's a useless organ and..." she huffed up, remembering what she'd come for, " _whatever! "_

"Listen, Mecha Granger 20-30 has been sobbing all day long because you stood her up last night. She _really_ wanted to go out with you and you stomped on her heart! She's been crying so much her tear valves have rusted..."

Harry doubled over with shock. As though Hermione's news had been a physical thing. Crippling him for the nonce.

"Not that you care but a technician's on his way out to see if he can fix them. But according to the help line the problem's probably terminal. She's going to lose her tear valves because of you Harry Potter!" Hermione pointed a horrifyingly not misdirected finger of blame at Harry and he fell to his knees in mortification.


	14. Patil's Apocalypse Part 3

After her shocking revelation Hermione Lion Heart had not deigned to wait around for Harry's explanations or excuses. She had bounded off, leaving Harry and Ron quite slack jawed and thoroughly abashed. Harry felt ill with guilt. All the way back to the Gryfindor commons he felt the Hogwarts ghosts flitting about above his head trading recrimations about him and his guileless cruelty in their ghostly whispers.

Outside of Mecha Granger 20-30's room was a large milling crowd. Most of Hermione Lion Heart's fans and admirers had distanced themselves from her upon the scandalous _Daily_ article that besmirched her, but there was no such taboo against the other members of the Golden Trio and students from all the houses had turned out to show their support for the heartbroken mech droid. Anxious faces briefly left the door to appraise Harry, a few people spat when they saw him. _Harry Heartbreaker_ they muttered sourly.

He didn't see the Time Child anywhere and figured she must be inside with the technician. Probably pecking about like some nervous fidgeting mother stork while he worked. Harry could imagine the poor technicians patient consternation. 'I've got to get in there,' he thought.

If MG23 were to loose the ability to cry because of him then it was only fair that they would share their final tears together, as one, and maybe in that mingling of sorrow some lugubrious angel would descend and entwine their hearts like little sticks in a birds nest. A nest of mutual remorse and longing.

Harry tried to push through the crowd. Someone stamped his foot causing him to cry out, "Please, _please_ , you must let me in, this is all my fault and maybe I can make it better," he tried to say but as he spoke a loud, damning chant erupted from the lips of the assembled.

Kraug was there too, paralyzed and disheveled as ever. Harry tried to meet her eyes but she flicked her glance fiercely away from him. "Kraug no like Harry Potter," she confided to a 2nd year girl standing nearby, "Harry Potter hurt people. Hurt them in the heart!" The girl nodded scornfully. Indeed. He did.

"We say NOTer to Harry POTter! We say NOTer to Harry POTter!" they chanted and chanted. Harry sank against the wall furthest from the door in terror. The chanting continued, grew in its fervent stringency. Ginny was there, the little green eyes that had always so adorned him with praise were now cut like slits and she chanted the loudest. She kicked him in the shins, breaking his reverie of mortification, Harry ran.

He ran so far away.

As he bounded down the cavernous hallways his footsteps echoed dolefully behind him like some baleful whirlwind of all of his past indescrections. He ran. And he cried. The blazing sconces on the walls guttered and died with the passing gusts of his great and inescapable sorrow.

As he tried in vain to scamper away from his ever surmounting sorrow he come upon Professor Trelawney, who was reeling about the hallways in a state of pure inebreation.

"Get out of my bloody way you inefectual drunkard!" Harry positively screamed at her. He spat in her face, the syrupy eructation of his despair clung to her pallid cheek and dribbled onto her neck.

She fell to her knees, a high keening wail of anguish erupting from her liquor sodden lips. For all her predictions and future sight she had never seen so vicious a jab coming. To his surprise Harry immediately felt better. Much better.

He ought to have felt ashamed of himself but he didn't. Not quite at all. As he jogged on he began to giggle to himself. He had nearly forgotten what it was like, to laugh, after being so suffocated by his own demons of despair and self loathing.

Before he knew it he was near the Slytherin commons, the hallways were mostly empty this time of inky black night but up ahead a group was huddled as if they were hobos around a trash can fire. As he got closer he could just make out the silky white hair of his mortal nemesis, Draco Malfoy.

"Oy! Look everyone, it's Harry PotteryBarn!" Malfoy jeered while Harry zipped past him and his gaggle of hurtful friends. They all began laughing savagely and without the slightest modicum of self control or mercy, their faces distorted like jackals in the thrall of pure hilarity. Their cruel guffaws bounded off the walls, echoing, distorting into something even more fierce and unwieldy.

Luna appeared from out of a corner and after a moment of silent admonishion of the Slytherins she glided up to Harry. He was begining to cry once more but she caught his first tear as it was still on his cheek with her outstretched finger, "No, don't cry for them," she said and plopped the little gob of saline and sorrow back into Harry's eye, "save your tears. They don't deserve them."

Harry blinked that sole tear back into his system and felt wholely revigorated. He and Luna stamped past the insulting mob with their heads raised high, humming loudly so they couldn't hear the feckless remonstrations being cast their way.

Once they were out of sight of Malfoy and his mosterous gang of companions Harry slumped into Luna's woefull arms and shuddered all over with despair. He was positively convulsing with his sorrow. Great thundering quavers shook him to his very core and Luna patted her hand through his hair, an evil smile curling her purple painted lips.

They were both now in a far corner of the great teaching castle. As far as Harry knew no one had ever come this far into it's labyrinthine interior. They huddled together out of a sudden gust of fear. A dark intimation was curdling at the corners of their young minds. Although the fear that exuded like stinking rivulets of sweat out of Luna's very pores was a mummer's farce. She coughed twice, the pre agreed upon signal for Padma to enter into the ploy.

Padma emerged, moaning fearsomely. Her skin was painted white with flour and confectioners sugar and she used a levitating spell to hover above the ground.

Harry fell to ground, his knees having buckled in terror. "It's! It's a ghost!" He stammered, falling for the ruse of the two mischevious girls.

The apparition glided toward Harry ominously. The resemblance to the long and mysteriously dead Patil twin was uncanny. Harry began to sob with fright. "What do you want, spirit!" He screeched in mortal terror, trying inefectually to put distance between himself and the bilious ghost by scrabbling away on the cold hard floor.

"Justice!" the ghost responded, with the icy exactitude of the deceased. " _Justice_."

Back in Mecha Granger 20-30's room, Hermione Lion Heart paced with a full heart and heavy chest. The technician, Johan McStruggle, did his best to ignore the spiral headed worry wort and bent over Mecha Granger 20-30's opened chasis. The tight coil of wires and nodules, circuits and gears, was beautiful to him. He didn't pine for Beyonce or Melissa Joan Heart, to him beauty could only be found in the intricate workings of a highly advanced battle droid.

The Time Child paced, and the technician pined. He soldered a few loose wires together, blew a bit of dust out of Mecha Granger 20-30's motherboard and closed the great hinged door to her mechanical, glittering, heart. He was almost distracted enough by Mecha Granger 20-30's mechanical beauty to forget his terror of the Time Child... almost.

He shot furtive glances at the Time Child every so often, trying in vain to peer through her skin into the dark abcess where her appendix ought to have been but she caught his side glances and huffed warily.

"Well?" She asked, hands about her hips in impatience.

The technician sputtered, "err, um... err..." He imagined that dark abysmall space inside of her, her great lack of appendix and faltered, flabergasted.

"Is she going to be okay?" Hermione said. "Did you manage to fix her tear valves?"

Johan let out a lenghty sigh of relief. "Should be, had to replace her saline ducts and rev up her sorrow processor to handle the influx of her incipient sadness, other wise it's like to overload again and we'll be right back where we started.. but I think it did the trick..." He prayed that he was right, lest he face the wrath of the appendix-less monstrosity before him.

With a tremulous finger he depressed Mecha Granger 20-30's start up button. There was a soft robotic whine as she slowly powered on. Hermione Lion Heart leaned forth in anticipation, 'oh please let her be okay, she just has to!' She had been quite lonely with Mecha Granger 20-30 out of commision. That dratted, slanderous, article had managed to push away many of her newfound friends. With Mecha Granger 20-30 in temporary stasis and Kraug still paralyzed she had been thoroughly alone, and in her solitude despondancy had nourished on the bitter leavings of her many punctured heart.

Mecha Granger 20-30's startup chime sounded in the dim room and she slowly raised her head. As soon as the mechanical girl had realized she was concious tears of lachrymose intensity began sliding down her faceplate. The wounds that Harry had so carelessly inflicted were still raw and seeping it seemed.

At the opposite end of the school Harry was still prostrate on the cold cobbled floor in horror. "What justice could I possibly give you!" He beseeched the 'ghost' that hovered before him. "I'm just one boy, barely on the cusp of pubescence! There is nothing I can do! Please go back, foul spirit, back to the darkling depths from which you have emerged to torment me!"

The ghost would have none of this. "You _must_ avenge my death. You must bring the Time Child to justice!"

Harry couldn't believe his ears. The Time Child? A murderer? He prayed that he was only dreaming, that the warm morning sun would soon tickle his cheek and whisk him forth from this vile reverie, but no such escape was eminent.

"I don't understand! Hermione Lion Heart was in her own timescape when you perished! Surely she could not have had a hand in your untimely demise!"

Luna flinched, she and Padma had not planned for this contingency. Luckily for her Padma was much quicker on her feet, and the faux ghost retorted, "She is The Time Child! The aeons are her playground!"

Harry's head slumped to his chest in anguish. It was true. It was all true...

Meanwhile, in the nurses station, Susan Bones stirred fitfully. The full moon rose just enough to cast its shinning tendrils onto her sleeping cheek and she began to change.


	15. Patil's Apocalypse : Bad to the Bones

Susan Bone's shook off her sleep with a hackle raising roar of inhumanity and raw animal power. The change came over her and it overcame her. No longer was she bound by a fragile integument of human skin. All over her body bristly black hair, coarse and sharp, sprouted. Her mouth became a ferocious snout filled with dagger teeth. She luxuriated in her new animal might and basked in the glow of the transformative moon. She padded down the hallways causing the very earth to rumble slightly with each step.

She was hungry.

Hungry for Slytherins.

She stalked her massive way to their commons and erupted out among them in a blaze of hellish claws and teeth. But the Slytherins had been preparing for just this very thing. They knew all about dark magics and ill omened creatures and each carried a high powered hand gun loaded with bullets of puer silver.

They formed a defensive ring around Draco Malfoy and his darkbride Pansy Parkinsons, weapons drawn. The beast was confonded. Here she was just that night become a savage night wolf and already people were out for her blood. She began to cry. As she did so Malfoy locked eyes with Goyle, "you remember the plan," he said, ominously.

Goyle swallowed hard and nodded. He approach the werewolf who was still distracted by her own sorrow. The other Slytherins waited with held breath as he crept up to the beast and carefully nicked himself with one of her jagged forepaw claws. The defensive ring of Slytherins began to raise their guns at mortal positions while the lightly bleeding Goyle snuck away from the sobbing monster.

The Slytherins prepared to shot her with their guns but Draco suddenly had a much more dastardly idea.

"Wait," Draco said, in a hushed whisper of the upmost import and weight. "I have new plans for her, get my rubber suits, shave her and lube her up really slick, then slip her into one of the suits, the pink one... perhaps." He giggled at his nefarious prank.

Pansy clapped her hands in laughter, "oh how grand, a latex lycanthrope what a funny jest!"

After they had thoroughly enjoyed their little laugh the Slytherins began their preparations. Goyle's blood was being harvested and redistributed to all the Slytherins who were all hooked up with tubes to the same machine that drained all of Goyle's blood. He became pale and soon died. Malfoy shed one silent tear for him but had much joy in his heart for the future.

There was no way the Slytherin quidditch team could be beat now.


	16. Patil's Apocalypse Part 4

Minerva McGonagall's brain was full to bursting with apprehension and the fear of hard conceits to come. The end of the year was scheduled to arrive that very night and Slytherin had just shattered Grfyindors House Cup winning streak; her first defeat as a head of house in many years.

Now that the Slytherin student council were Hogwarts incipient masters many devastating changes were bound to thrust barbarously into her life; the coming year suddenly held numerous terrors for her. She did her best to keep her worries firmly sealed away in a far corner of her subconcious but they constantly bubbled forth and short circuited her mind at, it seemed, the absolute worst times. She wondered if she had maybe been cursed, and shakily tried to laugh the absurd suspicion away, but it became stuck to her like glue on tape.

Just earlier that day she had been chatting with Hagrid in the teachers lounge when Snape, Draco and Pansy Parkinson had waltzed in, already acting like they ruled the roost. _'11 hours till that yet,_ ' Minerva said to herself. She had a grim internal countdown of the brief time left until Slytherin became the lead house and kept hawkish watch of it with her third eye... But the Slytherins cared not for her mental gymnastics and made their disdain for her clear. Upon entering the lounge Pansy had unceremoniously shoved Minerva out of the comfy little armchair she'd been occupying and in her tumultous fall Minerva's herbal tea arced out of her cup, nearly blinding poor Hagrid. She rose, furious, to chastise the young upstart and... _faltered_. Glowering up at her domineeringly the raven haired witch completely unmanned Professor McGonagall.

"S-sorry Pansy..." Minerva crowed weakly, astounded by her own words even as they emerged from her quivering lips. She had meant to say; 'Why you impertinant child! This seat is not a part of your domain for half a day yet'... _so then why hadn't she_ , she wondered. It was almost as though Pansy had excuded a feral, savage, unseen, dominance. Whatever it was, the baleful influence of the suddenly dauntless Slytherin girl curdled Minerva's reprimands before they were issued. Minerva's knees buckled and of course neither Snape nor Malfoy failed to notice. They too locked eyes with her haughtily and Minerva felt herself diminish further.

Filled with shame she had retreated from the room and into the corridor. The teacher's lounge was no longer an oasis in a desert of stress for her and she felt overwhelmed; homeless and lost. When she was certain that she was alone she slumped slowly to the ground and cried silent tears of anger and self reproach. The more she thought about that rude little girl the more the instult drove the wrong side up her road. It was all just so unfair.

Every year upon Gryfindors victory she had stringently monitered the interim school leaders and ensured that their edicts and mandates were in the best interest of all students and faculty. Under her ken Hogwarts had seen the return of the Yearly Solstice Dance, bi-monthly Casual Thursdays (referred to in good humor as Casual Every-Other-Thursdays) as well as the installation of a modest yet well appreciated pizzaria where weary students could unwind after a trying day of magical studies. All of that was likely to fade like dust in the wind when the Slytherins claimed their year long rights. And what foul replacements the Slytherins and their dour leader were concoting she dared not imagine.

As Minerva sank into despondancy Albus Dumbledore was rustling around his office in a frenzy, desperately searching for a vial of much needed potion. He reached his long skinny arms into nooks and crannies everywhere, places where any ordinary man could never hope to grasp. They didn't call him Albus Pipe Cleaner for nothing, though for all his lenghty and slender prowress he came up empty handed time after time. His distress rose like mercury in a thermometer plunged into the blazing core of the earth, he feared he would soon drown in his own anxiety. He _had_ to find that potion!

In his distracted state he didn't notice that he was being observed until Severus Snape uncoiled from the obscure umbra of the farthest corner of Dumbledore's office. "Looking for something old friend?" Snape's voice was a silky insinuation of scorn and hidden puissance. Dumbledore jumped back, placing himself near flat against his towering bookshelf. Several large leather bound tomes on the top shelf tettered ominously above him but went unnoticed. Snape approached Dumbledore slowly, his lank hair greasy as ever, as though it had been dipped in a deep fryer, it reflected the skittering shine of the headmaster's many flickering candles. A fell light glinted in Snape's slitted eyes.

"Severus!" Dumbledore gasped, _'and just how has that slinky potions master effected ingress_?'... All of Dumbledore's charms and wards were still in place... or so he thought.

"What in the name of Hogwarts are you doing in here? Shouldn't you be preparing your pupils for their upcoming managerial roles? Winning the house cup and running the school for the year is an enormous responsibility, _not_ something to blunder into blindly unequipped!" Albus tried to make his voice stern and commanding but a thin crack of bewilderment bled through. He refused to lose face though and drew himself up to his full height threateningly. He reminded himself that regardless who won the House Cup he still at least wrote the checks.

Snape laughed, shocking Dumbledore further and deflating him noticeably. The sallow fellow barely ever smiled and this gust of merriment was an unnerving thing indeed. Snape twirled one long bone white finger through his saponaceous black locks and approached with truculent relish. Before Dumbledore had another chance to flap his wrinkly mouth Snape plucked a small vial from his robes, in it was a sparkling clear liquid which Dumbledore immediately gaped at with overt longing, even need.

"I _know_ , Dumbledore," the potions master announced, "I know your foul little secret..."

Dumbledore spasmed with incredulous rage. "What brazen manner of scheme are you trying to pull Severus?!" Dumbledore demanded, slamming his fist down on his oak table. A long crack traced its way from his fist's point of impact to the far end of the polished table top as if to point a damning finger at Severus Snape. But Snape was unaffected. He tossed the phial carelessly to Dumbledore, watching the elder wizards desperate grappling for the precious liquid with saucy disdain.

"I propose to do nothing... for now... But know this!" Now it was Snape's turn to draw himself up and he did so with a wily smirk of evil self confidence. "If you meddle in the reformations and new school rules my Slytherins plan to inact then your precious syrum will wind up at the bottom of some well and then everyone will know of your odious secret!"

Dumbledore sputtered and before he could formulate a response Snape whisked out of the room as swiftly and mysteriously as he had entered it. Albus was left alone to craddle the inestimable concotion and lick his wounds. What foul plans were the Slytherins planning to enact?

Meanwhile, across the school, Harry Potter careened through the halls to the safety of his dormitory in a paroxysm of purest terror. The ghost of Parvati Patil had demanded an impossible deed of him and then snatched a shrieking and terrified Luna Lovegood into the air.

"Do this deed for me 'boy who lived' and you will see Luna alive and well as soon as proof is brought to me... Fail..." The ghost drew an effervescent finger across her own pale throat. The two had disapeared with a loud crack. For some time Harry had nearly stood, knees buckling, staring at the spot where Luna had so recently been.

As he ran an emotion other than fear fought for his attentions, an overwhelming sorrow. He had finally seemed to have found a girl to love and no sooner than the two realized their mutual affection she had been snatched away by some ghastly inversion of fate. Tears streamed from his face, leaving a saline trail behind him all the way to the Gryffindor tower.

Just outside, panting and facing the smug house portrait, Harry faltered. What was he to do? He couldn't simply walk into the girls bedrooms and behead Hermione Lion Heart... could he?

He tried to imagine the scenario and all the various ways it could play out but there were just too many variables. Without the still dripping head of the Time Child he would never be able to see Luna again, and yet how was he to proceed. He pondered stealth, subversion, a feigned terrorist attact, yet none seemed viable.

He knuckled his forehead trying desperately to focus. He simply had too much on his plate, what with the upcoming, oddly scheduled, night time full moon final quiditch match of the year against Slytherin that very night. He, Ron, and Ginny had approached McGonagall about rescheduling the championship bout to the standard daylight hours but their normally stalwart head of house had been cagey and restless, though firm about Slytherins right to discombobulate school rules and traditions as they saw fit, being the new House Cup Champions.

Ginny had pointed out that the Gryfindors were still technically the Lead House of Hogwarts, at least until midnight that night, but McGonagall had hissed and slapped Ginny across her freckled face with all her might. Ron and Harry stood agape while Ginny, struggling in her extreme state of shock and confusion, had shakily risen once more to her feet, spitting out a blood smeared tooth in the process.

"Forget everything you know about Hogwarts," McGonagall had instructed them, her voice a low husky rasp. "This is the year of the snake and nothing will ever be the same."

Harry hesitated before the portrait, replaying the bewildering events of that confounding day over and over in his head. He was shocked out of his reverie by a gaggle of Gryfindor first year girls who were wheeling the still woefully paralyzed Kraug back to the commons. Kraug indicated through a pre-established code of blinks that the girls should head in without her, and that she needed to speak with Harry Heartbreaker. Before the last girl left her side she crossed Kraug's arms for her so that the paralyzed former goddess could admonish Harry as though she were not differently abled.

"Harry and Kraug need to talk." She said.

Harry licked his lips and swallowed, a desperate ploy suddenly coming to mind.

"Yes." He said, "and not just the two of us, I'd like to apologize to the rest of the Golden Trio as well..."


	17. Patil's Apocalypse Part 5 : End Game

Harry Potter couldn't believe how stupid Kraug was. There he was, wondering how to best behead the Time Child and Kraug appeared and invited him into her midsts. It was almost like Kraug wanted Hermione Lion Heart dead. He didn't know, could never know what was swirling around in that paralyzed head of hers, what mysteries probed her deep?

Harry seeped sweat all over and trundled after Kraug through the commons into the Golden Trio's bedroom. Mecha Granger 20-30 was there, absolutely insensate with sorrow. She didn't even acknowledge Harry's entrance... she didn't acknowledge much these days... except her woe.

Harry could sense MG23's overwhelming woe like some pyschic illness and shrunk in the presence of it, but he couldn't let himself get distracted, for the sake of Luna Lovegood he had to decapitate Hermione, and probably the rest of the Golden Trio for good measure. It made him awfully sad though, having to loose three friends to save one lover, also he only had an hour until the midnight moonlight match against Slytherin and if he was late then Gryfindor would forfeit the match. He began sobbing in great wracking heaves and the Golden Trio had their herats fingered and embraced him thinking he was recalcitrant.

The bitter irony was too much for him to tolerate. "If only you knew!" He cried out meaning if only they knew he had to kill them but they still thought he was apologizing and thought he refered to his own woe. They cried too, in silent forgiveness. Unseen, floating atop the ceiling Padma Patil giggled silently to herself. Then she apparated away to safety.

Her plan was working perfectly.

Just then the moon arose like some slumbering harbinger of doom. The Slytherins all transformed into werewolf monsters. They had so many claws between them and planned to use them for horrible violence upon the Gyrfindor quiditch team who had already begun to file out onto the quidditch field in preparation for the suspiciously time match.

Ginny was there and so was Ron. They talked to the rest of the team about the match coming up. Just then dozens of werewolves poured onto the green and began their horrific carnage. Within moments, still too bewildered to attack or even respond yet half of the Gryfindor team was down, laying in pools of their own blood and viscera. Ron saw glistening entrails ripped out of his friends and teammates, all of them his almost lovers, he would never know because now they were dead. What it would be to have touched them in loving embrace... he would never know now because they had passed on at the thrice acursed claws and fangs of the Slytherin quidditch team, his mortal enemies.

He cried for his lost experiences of the future and drew his wand. He zapped and stung at the beasts and levelled many in howls of pain but still they came. They bit at arms and legs and heads and throats, unprejudiced of body parts to maim and tear out. They were like monsters who liked to attack people... and kill.

And kill they did. Their glossy black fur shone in the moonlight and they killed and killed. Soon Ron and Ginny where the only two left. They were cornered all around by night beast, their backs to one another.

"Looks like it's fighting time for us," Ron exclaimed and Ginny agreed. That's when they began fighting back for real.

"No more fooling around!" Ginny said and delivered bat bogey after bat bogey hex, sending the werewolves scampering off in annoyance with bats flapping about their muzzles and gore flecked snouts.

"That'll teach the limey bastards!" Ron yelled in triumph. He transfigured a wolfman right in front of him into a puddle of quicksand and several another werewolf fell into it and drowned in the evanescant sands of entrapment.

Just then, with a starts and a great gasp of breath, Saturnalia awoke.

She drew her covers up to her chest, shivering all over at the foul and violent dream she had just escaped. What horrible things were happening, what indescribable violences. What a horrible way to end a magic fantasy of the night... And her dream muse, the wizarding detective Harry Potter, whom she looked forward to observing in her nightly escapades, he was in such an awful spot. Normally her dreams were pleasant too. A perfect way to escape her deprived, magic-less sorry excuse for a life.

Saturnalia considered waking her twin sister Hermione but decided against it. Herm could be so crotchety when she was suddenly awoken, and they had a long day ahead of them with an early start to boot. She got up and trapsed through the wooden cabin she shared with her twin sister and got a fresh glass of milk from out of the refirdgerator.

The milk had just been retrieved from their prized, and only, milk cow that morning and Saturnalia drank just a little, keeping in mind that they had to sell Boudailia the next day and ought to spread out their enjoyment of the last drops of milk they wrung from her pink teats. Saturnalia drank milk in front of her mirror and combed her ever curly green hair. Her beautiful hair was the envy of the village and it made her feel better about being poor. Though Hermione... that was another matter. Her twin, though smart and kind as any other regular person, had golden hair. People would often stare at her unfortunate sister, parents would elbow their children and say, "see, that's what happens when you disobey your parents. The gods mark you as a monster and you are unable to find love ever hence."

Hermione cried a river of tears for her disgusting golden hair but nothing seemed to work. Once Saturnalia had thought to dye the grotesquely shaded locks white with cows milk to offer her sister some small chance at happyness. It had worked and for a time Hermione had looked as beautiful as any other maiden could want... But the milk soon curdled and began to exude a foul scent. People gagged and sometimes even threw up right in Hermione's face because of that awful smell and her misguided twin had been forced to wash the lie out of her scalp with much sorrow and the scarlet letter of liars guilt emblazoned on her dishonesty for all to remark upon...

Saturnalia finished combing her hair and was about to go to bed when her stomach began to churn and leap about insdie of her abdomen. It made a grumble that sounded like distant thunder and with a sudden tightness in her gut Saturnalia raced to the toilet and was only just in time. She retched forth a vile welter of rotted meat from intestines. She had, in the extremes of her poverty, been forced to eat week old eggs that morning. She and her sister had no other food but old, disgusting eggs. They were obviously too old to have eaten but what was she suppoused to have had that day? It was not like she could go without food or eat her own teeth. In misery she continued to void, expecting every painful odious push to be the last yet the geyser of putrification that gushed from her never once let up.

After some time she was forced to call out to her slumbering twin. "Herm! Herm! Oh lord Herm come quick!"

Hermione awoke, bashful and confused. She prayed that Saturnalia didn't have guests over, she had lost her hat and didn't want to showcase her bizare hair to any judgemental strangers. With a crippling reluctance she bounded from bed and ran madcap into the bathroom to appraise her ailling twin. "What in the world is going on!"

Saturnalia was amazed to find that Hermione was not suffering the same reaction to the eggs that she was. 'It must be something to do with her freakish hair...' she decided.

"You must go to the village and get some ointment for my raging innards!" Saturnalia demanded peevishly. She was crying in her severe discomfort and her salty tears dripped down her body and into the bowl to comingle and somewhat dilute the foul concotion just below her aching termination.

Hermione quaked in fear. The village... Where all the townspeople gathered for their various needs... all the green haired townspeople and their scornfull admonishments for her brazenly unnatural discoloration. She had no idea how she would survive such an discomfiting ordeal but she knew she must.

"But you and I are so poor that we don't even have any money!" Hermiobe cried out. She began to cry in frustration.

"The milk!" Saturnalia managed to shout, just before she began to vomit horribly. Chunks of egg shells and decaying flesh splattered on the floor and onto both of their bare feet. Their toe nails were already cracked and yellowed from malnutrition, and now this.

"I wont fail you okay!" Hermione screamed and dashed from the bathroom.

Gathering her cloak about her and fitfully trying to cover her disgusting blonde curls she rain into the night. It was around three a.m. and everyone else was fast asleep, it was raining.

Getting wetter and wetter, but not letting it stop her, Hermione ran to the neighbours cottage. She banged on the oaken door for what seemed like hours but the only response she got was "Go away! I'm too sleepy to answer to door so just leave!" After a few more failed bangings of requested ingress she took their advice and tried another house. But here she was met with bad luck as well and was sent away before she could even come inside. Sobbing fit to beat the deluge from above she tried the third closest house to hers and was eventually let inside.

Albus Snape eyed Hermione and her strange hair for a while before he let her tell him what she had intruded on his much needed sleep for. Hermione screeched about the precarious position of her intestinaly stricken twin and the aging farmer aquiesced to the impromptu and highly irregular purchass. Usually people bought milk in the market place, not from strangers in the middle of the night, but Albus Snape was a kindly man, and in secret he also had pretentions of mixing quasi magical concotions from animal secretions.

Once Hermione bounded from his home, clutching the golden coins he had bequeathed her, he began to mix the recently purchased milk into a vat of snakes venom and virgins tears. Soon a hiss of smoke erupted from the arcane chemical reaction and Albus began jumping up and down in an abondonment of joy. If he was interpreting the results correctly then he had, for the first time ever, opened a portal into the use of magic. He eyed the first potion ever created and pondered on his weighty, history altering achievement. Now the people of Saturnalia's dream weren't the only ones who knew what magic really was. Now... so did he.

As Hermione rushed on to the village she fancied she heard maniacal laughter chasing her outwards into the night. Into the dark.


	18. Saturnalia's Dream I

Hermione clutched the golden coins to her bossom and ran down the rain slicked dirt road into the town. In Saturnalia's magnificent dream cars had been invented, but she and her twin lived far into the past and such things had not come to pass yet so Hermione had to use her feet instead. _Even if cars had been invented we'd be too poor to afford one though_ , Hermione mused sourly. It was just so unfair.

It took her a full hour to make the arduos trek and by the time she arrived into the town it was daylight and people were milling about, blinking stupidly up at the sun. There were about 20 villagers in the town, going about their daily business and Hermione hated them all. They didn't go to bed with empty bellies and woe begotten hearts. She was so stricken with anguish that she had even called upon satan in her grief to avenge her injustices but the black winged prince of lies had laughed at her scornfully and informed her that she had nothing in her extremes of poverty with which to persuade him to do her bidding.

If only she had something to give to the devil, she thought, then the villagers would all get what was coming to them. Instead she had to bide her time and play her care worn role of the victim no matter how harshly it grated against her fragile sensibilities.

She walked meagerly into the town proper and as usual heard a cacophony of gasps and hand hidden giggles directed at her oddly colored blonde hair. First thing I'm going to ask the devil, she thought, and flicked her curls out of her face grimly, is to have green hair like everyone else. Then no one would judge me. And then... Well then she would kill them all... wouldn't she?

Wouldn't she...

She gusted into the apothecary's shop amidst a whorl of judgmetal titterings she did her darndest to ingore. Those whorebastard villagers and their laughter. She still hated them, even if she didn't have any money and had to eat raw, rotten eggs in her deprivations of direst impovrishment.

The apothecary, Dr. Longbottom, looked up from his workbench as she effected ingress.

"What can I do for you? _Freak_." He muttered, he added that last mean little tidbit when he finally realized who had intruded upon his time.

"There's no time!" Hermione fell to the ground sobbing, "you must sell me some stomach cure-all, you simply must or my darling sister will shit herself to death!"

Dr. Longbottom fell over in shock. He twisted his ankle in his downward richochet to the dusty floor and yelled in pain, but he forgot all about his little ankle misfortune, Saturnalia... sick? How could that be! Unbeknowsnt to everyone he had planned to mary her one day, but what kind of bride would a fecal fouled wretch make for someone of his standing. It could never be. There love was so nearly lost upon the sands of time.

With tears of love and frustrated longing in his eyes Dr. Longbottom gave the stomach ointment to Saturnalia's acursed twin and bid her off. He didn't even charge her and in her joy Hermione kissed his cheek, ran from the shop and back into the square. There was a village fountain and she tossed her golden coins into it with a desperate wish.

 _'Please_ ,' she wished and wished, "please let Saturnalia be okay!"


	19. Saturnalia's Dream II

Sirius "Big Dick" Lupin ripped his moist cotton shirt off in a great tattering cacophany of fabric threads sundering and tossed Hermione willfully on her back. Finaly, what she'd been waiting for all day. Today was her 18th birthday and she was ready to fuck.

Sirius "Big Dick" Lupin had been strutting about the barber shop when she passed on her way back home and had acosted her frigidity with rakish insistent charm until her between parts where slick with her boiling passions. The juice dripped down her thighs in great cascading gobs, soaking her slacks and great wooly ankle socks. He peeled each of the fuzzy, sodden, grey contraptions from her rapturous ankles with delicate precision.

She was somewhat worried about poor Saturnalia and her illness but she figured Sats could hold out for a bit longer. She'd understand.

Hermione was just a simple farm girl and didn't know anything about the intricate passageways of lovemaking. She hoped she didn't embarass herself or show inmodesty.

"Oh yeah shove that hard cock up my slit you dirty pig bastard!" She postively roared at him in great leaping bounds of boundless passion. "Rip my fucking cunt in half ruin me make me your whore piss in my mouth daddy." She said.

It felt amazing but she was so shy and akward that she just knew it could've been so much better. But the law was the law, and she certainly couldn't have broken her chastity before this very special birthday of hers.

Soon it was over... too soon.

They fell too, gasping and sweating, in each other's embrace. It was a temporary sort of intimacy, but "Big Dick" Lupin would take whatever he could get. Underneath his cocky facade he was just a sad lonely man, lost in this veil of dreams and tears we call the earth. He just wanted to feel some warmth, and for a time, he did.

"Oh great!" Hermione cried out, jumping from her feet and disengaging herself from her lovers tangle with not a little regret. "It's later than a hill of beans! Saturnalia desperately needs this unction!" She held the vial out for "Big Dick" Lupin's insepction. After a few terse, incredibly tense, moments, he nodded and Hernmione took off at the speed of sound... the speed of desperation...

"Wait!" He meant to yell, "don't go just yet!" or "when will I see you again!" He didn't even care about her golden hair and it's disgusting appearance to him. His time sure was a crazy one to have that sort of social stigma. The thought usually mae him laugh, but not today, the only expression stretching the facial muscles of Sirius "Big Dick" Lupin was sorry. He watched the love of his life scamper off and he fell to knees, shamed by his own silence, which soon broke with wrenching wail of his woefull howls.

Hermione thought there was a werwolf loose in the woods when she heard that. She shivered all over, just like in her dream, imagine that. "Of course it isn't a werewolf," she said, but to whom... she never knew.

She had had that crazy dream again that morning while she dozed off waiting in line at the bank. In it the Slytherins had all become werewolves, and Padma Patil, usually so even keeled, had smuggled Luna out of Hogwarts. Luna had been awful scared in that dream and for her it had been a nightmare. But this dream only happened in the mind of Saturnalia so Luna had no idea.

Hermione burst through the door. Saturnalia was there waiting. She looked quite mad. Shit and puke caked her already dingy nightgown and there were great gobs of both vile substances rucking up her tangly green hair.

"Oh poor sister, tell me you are well!" Hermione fell to her knees, crying.

"I'm well.." Saturnalia responded.

"Well done with your bullshit!" Saturnalia finished and slammed the door on Hermione's tear stained face. "You can just go live somewhere else!" She roared. Hermione positively lost conciousness and fell to the ground.

In her temporary unconciousness she dreamt. She dreamt of Hogwarts and claws, plots and betrayels, the golden trio, and the mystery solving boy... Harry Potter...


	20. Saturnalia's Dream III

Hermione wailed in consternation. Here she was kicked out of her house why don't you. And of cousre it was just awful. She was shivering all over because she left her jacket by the musky roadside where she had given up her girlish flower and it was so cold out that night. The moon rose on the distant shelf of horizon as a sentinel of sorrow. A watcher of her woe. Her own twin sister had kicked her out of their ancestral home and she was so lonely she could cry. And cry and cry, she did...

Sirius strolled up with misty tear filled eyes. He had seen everything and his wolfish heart ripped his chest asunder with empathy and longing. He wished he could just hold her tight one last time. Before he died...

Hermione ran to him, wailing in suplication. She tripped and fell flat on her face doubling the intensity of her ferocious sorrow and the sonic output adjusted to her shock and bewilderment. 'What in the world is going on!?' she thought to herself, kicking her feet in confusion, wrenching up great furrows of dirt in the process but still laying down. She was laying down and kicking the ground and forgot that was what was happening because the fall happened so quickly... almost like she was cursed... Eventually she realized she wasn't standing up and got to her feet bashfully.

"I bet you think that was real funny, huh?" She said and spat out a tooth. She couldn't believe Sirius. Here she had given her heart and soul to him to cherish and he had somehow made her fall over and forget how to stand up. Maybe... maybe he knew witchcraft. That could be what the dreams are trying to warn me about!' she thought in triumph. Here she was solving as many mysteries as her hero Harry Potter!

Sirius "Big Dick" Lupin pulled a knife from out of his black robes. The blade was 17 inches long and glistened with a deadly sharpness in the moonshine. He cut her face off.

"It doesn't have to be like this!" He said, she punched him in the belly, knocking him down the hill. He rolled down the hill and splashed in the water, a large girth of bubbles plopped to the surface, then a thin stream, then none.

"what have I done!" Hermione screamed and she dove into the water after the man of her dreams. But she wasn't dreaming then. No. This... this was just a nightmare.

She pulled him onto the shore, he sputtered great gouts of seawater out of his mouth and shivered in general. She warmed him up with a blowjob. She stroked his hard penis with her tounge until he was about to spurt then trailed her pink reacher down his sweaty, salty taint. She prodded at his asshole with her tounge for a minute, savoring the alien strangeness of that forbiden surface... then she effected ingress.

Sirius "Big Dick" Lupin came and came. He didn't stop coming the entire hour they were making love together and afterwards he passed out for 10 hours straight. Hermione stayed that whole time rocked by the gentle rhythm of his breathing, watching his sleeping eyes.

When he awoke they made love again. Hermione rode him while he lay on his back and she gibbered and grunted all manner of dirty things. "I don't even care about that I'm homeless right now," she promised him, riding his cock up and down with her hard pussy. He was getting wet and she loved it. The power, the rush, the utter and total control. She spat in his face and he didn't give a hoot, just kept looking at her with passionate arousal. 'How foolish' she thought.

"Why don't you shove my head in that mud puddle, you filthy spawn'va goatwhore!" she yelled at him. He was being so tame, and she wasn't really feeling it anymore.

"That's just crude!" He coudln't believe his ears. He stormed off indignantly and Hermnione, crying, ran back home. But then she realized she'd never left her front yard... and that it wasn't her yard anymore even. She fell to the ground crying, and eventually Albus Snape came out to see what all the fuss was about and decided to take her home with him. Mostly he hoped she had some more milk to sell to him but also he wanted to help just because he thought of himself as a good neighbor.

"There there," he said, as they walked to his house, "it's alright."

He led her inside and gave her a blanket and a hot cup of joe. She was huddled up on his Persian rug when he busted in with hot cranberry oat cookies. "This'l make you feel right as rain!"

She couldn't believe what was happening. She had never even heard of cookies before, because she was poor, 'cookies are for rich people' she thought, in wonder. But here was one in front of her!

"Wow." She said outloud.

But what Hermione didn't know was that Sirius was still out there. And now he was more horny than ever! And runnign to the place she was at.

"Now..." transitioned the resourcefull Albus Snape, "about those cookies, sure would like some nice fresh milk with them am I right."

Hermione nodded, completely missing the subtext.

Albus sighed, he twisted her nipples, "gimme some juice!"

She slapped him across the face and spat cookies from her mouth right in his face. "I;m not pregnant and you have to be pregnant to make milk like that!" She couldn't believe how stupid this old man was. But at least he was trying to help. She gathered all the bits of crumbed munched up cookie she spat out and slowly chewed it in apology. Eventually Albus accepted.

"So wait..." He was just figuring it out.

He thought the milk he had bought the night before had been Hermione's breast milk. Or someone she knew. But that means...

His calculations were all off. He had run from the living room into his lab only just in time to see his concotion began to metamorphosize horribly. His secret recipe for magic had called for breast milk, not cows breast milk but specifically a persons. The concotions began to froth forth in great welters of fury and out of them seven fiercely clawed Velociraptors emerged.

"Goddamnit I accidentaly made Velociraptors!" Snape wailed in misery.

Hermionne was on her feet instantly. She didn't trust these green monsters. The same color as the hair she so desperately craved.

Just then Sirius arrived but the door was locked. He pounded on it, calling out Hermione's name over and over in sorrow and all consuming lust. But she couldn't even say hi because of the reptilian monsters her neighbour had unwittingly loosed upon the world.

"Get them!" The lead Raptor yelled and they all pounced in unison. Luckily for Hermione she had stepped on a trap door and she fell through it into a pile of old glass bottles. They all shattered upon the impact and flew upward in a savage trajectory of sliced veins and killed 3 of the raptors. The remaining four dashed out the window in fear, to regroup later, in secret and safety. To plot...

But she couldn't worry about that now. She climbed out of the pit and ran to Sirius. But she was too late. His balls had both fallen off from his frustrated passions and he sat cradling them and sighing.

"We'll get through this!" She said with calm reserves of strength. " _Together_..."


	21. Saturnalia's Dream IV

In Saturnalia's dream Kraug was still paralyzed. She woke up covered all over in an icy cold sweat and shivered so violently she nearly sprained her ankle. How horrible, the poor girl, to be unmoving so. But it was only dream... _Wasn't_ _it_?

"If only life were like a dream," she said aloud. But she spoke to no one in particular because there were no particular people about her. No. She was all but alone in the drafty little house she had until recently shared with her twin sister Hermione for all the frustrating years of her lonely adolescence. And here it was about to get ever so much more lonely. To distract herself from her sorrow she slid a finger up her coo-coo and began rummaging about inside herself, trying to find some solace. But there was no redemption to be found there, only moist flesh and... what's this? A _lump_.

She became quite afriad. Like a wine glass filled to sloshing to the brim, but with fear instead of delicious wine. She was practically drunk on fear and reeled and stumbled out of her bedroom in a hapslap and dash run to the phone. She dialed up Longbottom's Apothocary first thing and waited impatiently for the call to go through. After a few dozen nerve wracking rings the call connected and she established a meeting for that very afternoon.

Across town and far into the murky dark woods a meeting of an entirely different sort was proceeding. The remaining velociraptors huddled fearfully about a fire, shielding their sensitive reptillian eyes from the too bright flames but unable to go far from it. A secret fascination lurked in their hearts for the conflagration and ever since they'd discovered the ancient art of blaze-craft they'd been without a fire for the entire week of their short and sudden existence. Fire good indeed...

But anyway, there were still several millenia left to go in this undeveloped and historically placed timescape until engines were to have been invented and so Saturnalia was forced to ride upon horseback into town. Even though she was dreadfully afraid of missing her very important consultation with apothocary Longbottom she could barely keep her eyes upon along the dirt trail. She dozed in her saddle, and in her fitfull sleep, she dreamt...

 **...of Hogwarts...**

Pansy Parkinsons was painting her toenails pink. Until very recently the school had a strict no toe nail painting policy, but she and her darkgroom Draco Malfoy had abolished that silly rule upon the first day of their regency as king and queen of the school. She didn't even wear shoes anymore is how happy she was about her newfound foot freedoms. Everywhere she went people gaped at her glorious toe polish and fell to their knees weeping in adoration, jealousy, sometimes a mixture of both.

She punched Hagrid with ferocious strength. The oafish half giant was unable to strike back because she was just a little girl and so he curled up on the ground, grovelling for her forgiveness.

"Many pardons yer majesty, I-I didn't mean to upset ye so I didn't I swear't" He blurted out, hoping it was the right thing to say. He certainly did not want to piss her off any further.

"You stupid stupid beast," she said, "I hate you and so does everyone else did you know?"

Hagrid began to cry fiercely, he only ever wanted to be loved, but it looked that would never happen, not now...

But Pansy wasn't done yet, she pulled a strange girdle of some sort from out of her Gucci hand bag and tossed it with upmost disdain at Hagrids feet. The half giant blinked stupidly at the mettalic device glinting in the morning sun before him and scratched his beard.

"Er... what's this then?" He asked, taking a sip of hot steamy vegetable soup.

Draco and Snape both laughed fit to split, one of them muttered in between chuckles, "the absolute sod, is there anything he does know what it is!?"

Pansy nearly threw up she was so angry. Swallowing her sticky hot vomit she informed the oaf, "it's a chastity belt you fucking retard! It keeps your pecker from getting hard and I say you have to wear it forever now so that you're willy will shrink eventually!"

Hagrid already had an enourmosly small willy and he couldn't bear the thought of it shirnking further. But he had no choice. With great trepidation he slip the device up to his crotch, he was already naked so that part was easy, but then he had to stuff his penis inside of it and when he did so it clicked shut and Pansy, making sure she caught his eye before hand, took the key, his pecker key, which would enable hardons, and she threw it into the lake.

Hagrid fell to his gigantic knees _. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"_


	22. Hogwarts Daily Special Alert!

!SNEAK DISSER ALERT!

Luna Lovegoode here reporting for the 3 time winning Hogwarts Daily special bulletin. In recent articles me and my intrepid band of reportercontenuers, who wisely choose to remain naemless, have explored the potentially divise aspects of negativity the so called "Godlen Trio" inspires upon our hapless student body and timeline.

How can somenoe who thinks stairs should be called diagonal hallways and doesnt' even have an appendix care really and treully for her alleged 'peers'...that's us people.

And how well can anyone ever trust a robot, seemingly programed to cry. You know what else cries all the time and also kills viciously with steely cold precision? Crocodiles.

And now we come to the third point of this trifecta of trouble. I know what you're all thinking, don't go there right? While it is passe to blame crippled people, and easy to overlook the faults of anyone so woefully paralyzed indefinately perhaps upon a nightmare, but can any of you actually say you wouldn't be bored if you were paralyzed all the time?

Imagine it.

A hellscape of the mind. The body, numb and indifferent to the pleas of it's forlorn and forsaken once-master. Trapped in a body in a bed in a school she can't even attend because she can't even move.

Where could this wretched beast possibly turn for solace but to the guilty and viley pleasurant tones of sinfull speaking and libil.

That's right. Just today this very writer who types before your very eyes witnessed the foul mouthed motionless wreck of a brute insinuating that Snape was caught masterbating in the potions store room, again. That's not all, according to a nameless confidant that very girl, when endowed with the use of her grotesque, basement raised body, assaulted and robbed of chocolates. I usually don't take peoples words for things so drastic, but this particular person was a gryfindor, and they seldom lie, and also he usually forgets, like, everything, so the fact that this stayed so vivid in his mind when he can't even find his frog half the time indicates that the altercation was all too real, and all too savage. Beyonce should be fierce, not witches and wizards at hogwarts.

Anyway, I can't wait to see everyone, but you-know-who-(can't go cause she's a paralyzed sneak disser bitch)-can't-go, at the annual Hogwarts field trip. I hear this year we're going to America! 


	23. Chapter 23: Saturnalia : Awake

The sun was shinning and the birds were out in force. The late autumnal winds caressed the hilly expanse just outside of town, speckled here and there as it were with shacks, lean to's, Hermione and Saturnalia's modest farce of a domicile, and the constinatly oddly lit and besmoked residence of the town hermit, Albus Snape. It was a beautiful night, too beautiful, Hermione reckoned, for sorrow, but look who came knocking.

Hermione couldn't believe her eyes and ears. It was like her eyes and ears had been in cohoots with each other to play her for the fool. For surely...surely, this thing, this insanity which she allegedaly witnessed could exist in no sane realm of men. "Big Dick" Lupins luscious juicy balls had fallen plum off due to his frustrated passions.

"The world sure is a crazy place," she said outloud to herself, but Sirius "Big Dick" Lupin couldn't help but intrude upon her with his full hearted and ballless agreement.

How can i Please a woman with no love orbs to stimulate her sex?" He wailed and fellto his knees. Hermione tried her best to console him but he slapped her straight in the face and ran away, wailing, lost in his woe. Eventually he stumbled into a strange new world filled... with Magic! There was Neville Longbottom, getting the shit kicked out of him by Goyle and Snape, they threw him in a ditch.

"That's where snitches go," Snape spat "in ditches."

Sirius chuckled to himself, Severus Snape sure seemed a lot like his old pal, the hermity old man, Severus Dumbledore, who he'd last seen ranting about velocisomething or orthers. Sirius chuckled, good old Albus, wherever I go he's always the same. It almost took his mind of his heartbreak and deformity of the sex. How can one go one with a broken heart and no balls? He couldn't even fuck the pain away unless he moved to some strange country where women liked men balless and lithe. Maybe.. just maybe this really was the place for him, all along.

He smiled at everyone he passed, all about their usual routines, Hagrid grovelling at some short darkhaired girl, the darkbride of that rascally Malfoy fellow "Big Dick" though. More like "Ball Less" he soured to himself briefly until the scampering gate of the school drawves dsitracted his joy out the sorrow encrusted forgetfulnessof his heart. He suddenly felt bouyant and capable, maybe as a balless man he could pass himself off as a teen-ager.

It was just crazy enough to work.

MEANWHILE In THE ROOM OF REQUIRMENTS

Dumbledores Army had reformed, for a new cause. Harry nodded to everyoen present as he sauntered in. They all stared, obeiscient and cattle like, backing away in unselfconcious awe, and Harry suspected, not a little perversely enjoyed self abasement. It was the good old stuff. He'd honestly missed the thrill of power incured by his status, and he aimed to regain in and then me tell you what.

"We're all here to protect ourselves," he vocalized, everyone shouted or at least nodded or clapped their agreement and enthusiasm. There was a sudden hush ".. from ... Sneak Dissers!"

Everyone booed fierceley, Snape, tears in his eyes, came up to testify. "I never masturbate, becuase, actually, no, I can't, I can't tell you," he began to weep fiercer even than he had been all day. Madam Humphrfy had insisted on attaching a fluid drip to the unceasingly spewing man and it shook and clattered over in the throes of his passions. Everyone watched wit hteh upmost respect. "Anyway," he said, about 4 minutes later when he had himself under control, "it's a really long and crazy story, but it begins with a town filled with people who all have green hair... all but one."

THE TIME ::: 4-19 P.M. THE PLACE ::: VELOCIRAPTOR COVE

Under the howling gale of ocean spray and wind the five remaining magisaurs cuddled pittifully around themselves in a vain attempt to keep warm. Their leader, Red Claw, had proclaimed this rocky stretch of coast Velociraptor Cove, their promised unto God land they would nourish upon and thrive there, at least.. that's what he said.

In reality living on the barren rock and saltsea-scape was quite tedious, to the point of bleakness,at least, that's how Tonya often put it, but she had a negative sense of humor as more of a defense against true negativitity was in all honesty quite the sweet and optimistic, if at times a little naive, young woman. Her scaley green breasts had been budding this summer, and Brent was finally starting to notice her the was he noticed Ashleigh. Asheleigh pretenedd not to notice and threw herself on Red Claw and Arthur with a newly kindled fervor, sucking them off at the drop of a hat at a reckless whiplash pace that often left all involved and even nearby with at least a few horrificly placed bruises.

Whiled the others where distracted Tonya called Brent over the jagged rock she had been crouching on all day. He crouched beside her for a while.

"Life sure is crazy," he said, flickering his tounge into her lower eyelid while he toe'd her steamy hot slit with his crusty protuberance of a toe claw. She became sodden wet, insdie and out, as the salt spray fro mthe ocean exploded from the ocean on top of her and the salt spray of passion that they produced happened then as well. They fell to the ground, completely exhausted yet at peace.

That's when Saturnalia fell upon them. But not with an attack. Not yet anyway... no ... she thought.

oh no no no

not yet...

it was delicious, the horrible thing she was plotting, but she would get to relish it again soon enough ,as ashe explained her vile plot to the velociraptors they circled her first in wary defence then in hypnotization. They were completely mesmerised by the fiercity she exuded in the schemes that tendriled from her like abutments and pipes out of a steampunks fleshlight. You see, all day Saturnalia had been plotting,

plotting...  
revenge. 


	24. Field Trip Day One

Ron flexed his prison sculpted bicep. On it rippled and pulsed an intricate celtic cross tattoo done in somber blacks, his family had spent the summer vacation in America in Mississippi and had learned all about white power. They didn't know that it was okay to be racist in America and when the field trip had finally ended Ron came back to Hogwarts a very changed young man. He no longer wore his robes, opting instead for tight fitting boot cut Wrangler jeans, with tan "Tim's", a kelly green John Deer hat and a sweat and dip stained white wife beater. Eventually, to Snape's dismay, the look caught on and Redneck Revivialism became big at Hogwarts (think Silly Bands) in the months following the school trip to America. But that's putting the cart before the horse.

" _Wow_ ," Harry gasped, walking into McDonalds, it was his first time in a real American Mcdonalds and he couldn't believe his senses, not a one of them. He was so blessed to have gotten to go on the field trip and no be paralyzed that sneak dissing bitch Kraug. "Geez," he muttered, "you think you know somebody," and that was when he saw her.

A vision in glinting red. Her skin cool ivory. She lounged on the great wood piano at the corner of the dining hall and slipped off it smooth as silk. A large metal microphone cluthced in her red painted grasp. Harry had entered with Luna and Padma flanking his sides but he felt as though the enchanting woman now lilting her way toward the trio of mesmerized britons had eyes only for him. And what eyes she had. Like chunks of hot coal blazing in the throes of passion.

"Welcome to Mcdonalds," she said, her voice whispery and soft, barely regerstering on the discreetly placed speakers lining the walls. Luna harumphed while the dazzling woman trail a thin white finger down Harry's chin, then neck, chest, stomach, oh dear.

"I-Fries, I want fries please," Harry managed.

Luna and Padma declined to dine and stalked off to an empty table near the door under a polished chrome chandelier. Tasteful black and white photos of famous celebrity's eating chicken nuggets lined the walls.

To Harry's bewilderment the vuloptious singer began to twin her silken fingers about his brushy mop of dark brown pubes. His hair was black as night up top yet for some reason his pubes were brown. It was his eighteenth birthday.

She fiercely grasped his hard cock in her hand quiet suddenly and Harry came in self defense spattering her face adn sequined dress. No big deal," she smiled and brushed the hot salty jizz off her shoulder straps with a handful of her dark ebony hair. Then she broke into a crooning falseto and resumed her post atop the piano. Eventually Harry's fries were brought out to him and he joined the now mysteriously sulky Padma and Luna at their quiet corner table.

"The world sure is a crazy place," he said, a prayer, almost, then he tucked into the best meal of his life. Eventually someone with a warm towelette came and mopped up his near crusty jeans for him. On the way out Padma lasciviously slipped a tip into the buxom singers cleavage and copped a feel in the process.


	25. Field Trip ::: Day 2

Hagrid came bumblingout ofg the conventient store on Rodeo drive and stumbeld face first right into Pansy Parkinsons who had also just left the gas station and was texting. That is, texting until Hargrids halfgiant girth plowed her straight out of her horizontal comfort zone and upon her tush on the rubish strewn sidewalk. In their chaotic descent downwards, violently, ineluctably down, down they fell, and as they fell so did their recent purchases. From the pale ivory hands of Pansy flew a bag of Spicy Nacho doritos. She just loved those chips. Also her favorite movie charectar was on these particular, American, bags of Spicy Nacho Doritos. That green alien woman, with the red hair, from The Gaurdians of the Galaxu.

But what Pansy didn't know was that Hagrid had also bought some chips in that very same mart. His chips were just regualr Doritos. On the bag was a face he vaugely remembered, maybe from some poor quality cam torrent he watched while drinking with Snape one night or other. On his way down he wondered about Severus, and decided the two hadn't spoken in far too long and needed a good catching up. But all that failed to prepare him for the downright shock of his body hitting the sidewalk. With no warning whatesover he slammed into something hard and cold. He felt a stabbing pain flutter through him and then a cold shock of numbness as he realized he was laying, hapless and defneseless as a kittin right there on the side of the road.

He got to his feet and then took a good look around. Pansy stumbled back up to her feet, intending to reprimand the oafish brute but lost all focus on that to retrieve her Doritos, she just couldn't seem to find them ever since she had fallen down just then.

That's when they both saw the pile of Doritos on the sidewalk. Both tof the bags had ripped open and blewn away into the windy night. Lost somewhere out int hat California darkness.

They both scrambled to the pile of orange chips in a hectic run to get them up before they were too dirty to eat. And that's when the realized

they weren't alone.

"There are my Doritos!" Pansy shouted at Hagrid.

He cowered back a bit, lowering his head like a well beaten dog.

Pansy screamed in rage! "It doesn't matter because now your chips and my chips are all mixed up and i dON'T want to even try to save them anymore, I mean why bother if they're just going to be mixed together forever and ever it's so tedious." She slumped down against a buzzing light pole, the pale shadows of hte flourescents made a ghost of her craggy features and she looked almost dead, corpselike and beatuiful. Ethereal. Hermetic. Forever.

"But.." Hagrid whimpered, Pansy glared at him, challenging him to displease her already further distempered spirits.

"Well alls i'm sayin is thems both Doritos, and you c'n ne'r go wron' wi'h Doritos in m' book. And well I guess that they do go good toge'er tho' don't the'" he managed, eyeing the assortment of Doritos strewn about hungrily.

Pansy had to concede that indeed, just liek the mascot charecters of that green chick and the jurassic park guy on the bags promised that they would. A match made in the heavens. "Yes they do go good together dog, you're my dog now nad you'll eat them out of a bowl while i piss on your filthy mocassins."

Pansy Parkinsons rode Hagrid's fat sausaugey finger up and down spitting, hollering and gibbering, flailing about like a rabid oranguatang in the throes of her passions. Hagrid could not achieve an erection with his chastity belt on, or so Pansy thought.

Actually Hagrids penis was so small that the meant-to-be=restrictive chastity belt, the Chastiti6900, fit more like an especially roomy sports protective 'cup' would and did not hinder his ability to achieve full phsyical arousal at will, or so he thought...

Pansy, with her shining raven hair and jet black humours, had stolen Hagrids heart, and in one so driven fully by his illogical, earthen, passions, the theft of the heart precluded total enslavement of all reason and will power. Hagrid really couldn't get erect because Pansy would not allow it. So he hid his hidden passions further and furher into himself. Putting more and more of himself into himself like a self fisting session or something. Then he really did become erect and that's when he knew.

Love always finds a way. 


	26. Chapter26:Saturnalia Dreams Through Time

That night, as the storm the velociraptors had concocted the spite the green haired scum which had harried them to near extinction, forced to eke out a fitfull living on the bare stony oceanside broke out upon the bewildered green haired villagers Saturnalia had a different kind of dream... In this dream, she could see the future...

 _Now that it was spring and the school field trip had finally come to an end the new semester was ready to start fresh._ With only one problem... Slytherin had won the house cup the previous year _(because Harry had nearly been late to potions, for more information see Chapter 19 : Patil's Apocalypse Part Three_ ) and now they were all set and ready to rule the school. Albus shook his head silently, wondering to himself at what fresh troubles would erupt.

He lumbered into his inner chambers to fetch his neccesaries, Faux squaked at him as he enter and the old fellow patted him with his gnarled and withered, blue vein transcribed hand. Albus's hands had always been rather large and too thin, his fingers too slender for the hairs that dusted their delicate yet bony knuckles. They had always been the sort of hands that people, anyone, even loverfs, would never care to look at for overlong, and now, with old age's ceaseless relentlessness, encroaching always upon his vigor and vitality, his hands were an absolute horror to look upon. A indulged for a moment, his disgusting gnarled claw of a limb resting upon and grossing out Fauxs, thinkning about the good old days, nostalgic for the past, disapointed with the present, apprehensive of the future. He remembered when he was full of piss and vinager, not just pissy and bitter.

He grabbed up what he needed and scuttled on out of there. On his way out his passed Professor Trelawney, being carried to her quarter by Filtch. Trelawney was a sight indeed, though Argus's had a glint in his eye as he dragged the semi concious, visibly befouled woman down the hallway. Outside it was bright and sunny, many students were gathered in loose clusters, dazing about inthe brright sunshine of the early afternoon. Each face Albert passed broke his heart, they were all so innocent and at peace, content to just be, ready for the future... or so they thought. "If only they knew" he thought to himself, a fertive whisper in the dark recesses of his pysche.

He couldn't help but laugh at the foul humor of it all. "This school sure is a crazy place sometimes.."

Snape was waiting for him, his usual cadre of Slytherin cronies arranged about the edge of the school fountain in various stages of repose. Albus did a double take when he saw Remus Lupin, a abased and meek look splayed acorss his glistening pale features. He seemed to be in quite the state.

Pansy Parkinsons also had a surprise waiting for Albus, on a gold leash clasped in her darkly bejeweled hand was a naked and sexually quivering Hagrid. Albus just decided to pretend like he hadn't seen that and spoke directly to Snape, also ignoring that apparantly traitorous scum bastard Remus the backstabbing werewolf. But Snape wouldn't have any of that, he jabbed Remus in the side and the pitiful wretch of a were- shuddered and look pleadingly to Snape, supplication denied, Snape crossed his arms "," he hissed.

"it's a shame you didn't go on the field trip," Remus finally intoned in a flat dirgelike chant after a shudder and a deep breath, "old man..." He began to cry, clearly he wanted to... no needed to run away, to run far far away and let his tears guide him and even though he had just broken the old man's pruney heart Dumbledore wished and wished the Remus could do just that, so apparant was his need, "I've judged you all wrong!" Albus wailed, embracing Remus, "how could i have been so cruel, obviously these fiends are blackmailing you about how you're a werewolf and killed Susan Bones Probably [for more information see Chapter 18: Patil's Apocalypse : Bad to The Bones]"

Remus and Albus held each other and let the tears stream forth. Though sadly it could not last forever. Albus finally shuffled up to Snape and handed over the keys to the school. The exchange was unbearably terse and Mafloy nearly fainted from empathetic overload. Ever since he'd spent the entire shcool field trip in Casadaga he had been unharnessing his very own mystical powers, but that's a story for another day... another time...

"Looks like you finally got your wish Severus," Albus whispered, his bristly white beard tickling Snape's ear and the back of his neck.

"We're building a brave new world, old man, pray you live to see it!" With that Snape and his cronies, the new Hogwarts head of States apparated with a loud bang and mild concusive blast. Dumbledore was bowled over and sent tumbling into the lack, head first, his robes unfurling and displaying his pale chicken legs and whitey tighties to the whole school, which literally exploded with gales of hateful laughter.


	27. Chapter 27: Field Trips End

Hermione and Mecha Granger 20-30 had said their tearful fare-the-wells to Kraug on the first day of the Howgarts school summer field trip and headed off with their tear stained heads held high for Nevada. Ever since coming to this crazy new world filled with fleshy bioforms and their tangled heart strings reaching further out into schemes of complex self gratification and need. The world sure is a crazy place, she decided, and went out with her best friend to go see the grand canyon.

On the way to the grand canyon Hermione lion heart thought about all her crazy adventures adn wondered abotu hwo the new school year would far for her wayfaring heart. Mecha Granger had been silent and contemplative the whole bus ride to the great crack in the earth that men the grand canyon. Hermione figured the Slytherins would sure have a lot of foul tricks up their inky black sleeves and coatpockets. "I just need to relax a while, in the desert," she decided, and relax in the dessert she did.

All day long and long into the nigh Hermione the Time Child and Mecha Granger 2030 browsed the many wonders of the sandy relaxing landscape of the American South. Not a building or tree for eyes to see for miles around and they like it just that way, she figured, bashfully. The great open sky made her feel sulky and inmodest yet she didn't let that get in the way of her killer vacaytion. Across the continet nad the world's very first McDonald's the boy detective Harry Potter had stumbled into a plot of passionate intriuge and in SoCal Pansy Parkinsons and Hagrid the Half Giant explored each others minds and bodies, but her, for now, she could really relax and kick back with a smile. Mecha Granger did the same and pretty soon the whole vacation had flown by with barely a word spoken between the two. They had each reached a semi feral, zen like state of sunblasted empty mindedness.

They could barely see the ground ahead of them as they hurried back to get on the train to Hogwarts for the new semester that they didn't even notice the giant footprints dotting the barren landscape about them. Mecha Granger gave a whirr of alarm and plunged down the side of a rocky crevasse. Hermione almost followed her down but skuddled to a halt at just last second. It appeared that her mechanical friend had stumbled onto an extra large american style mystery. An enormous footprint, 20 Hermione's long, at least, stamped itto the dusty earth. The bloodred sunset raping hte sky to the east indicated it was well past time for them to hurry on along, but they couldnm't pass up a mystery like this! They just couldnt!

"I guess we been hanging around that Harry Potter boy detective fellow far too much, huh, Mecha Granger 20-30?" Said The Time Child with a lascivious grin as they galloped off into the wrong direction from the train and followed the big footsetps.

The land about them forbade an ill omen, the vultures silouhete against a crimson, arterial sun scape of the horizon, bleeding from the sky to a point you can never see just ahead. The dying of the light. 'It comes for us all,' Hermione thougth, and shuddered. She hurried along ever faster and soon found herself slap back at the grand canyon, where they'd started this whole thing!

Mecha Granger 20-30 caught up eventually in a skiddering dust cloud. She furiously searcehd her memory banks for some clue, but alas, she came up short. Hermione hadn't expected much from her, with Kraug paralyzed and Mecha Granger 20-30 often so distracted by romantic trajectories she had come to rely on her own lion hear tand nothing else. She wasn't dissapointed by expecting nothing.

Just then, when they were about to give it all up fora bad job and head on along back to Hogwarts there was a loud rumble adn a cough, like a heavy smoker just waking up... but the sun, it was going down... _not_ coming up? And also who sounds that loud when they are waking up!

Hermione was just about to split about at the seams because of how confuesd she was umntil it all suddenly started making sense. Yes. Now everything adds up, why she had ever even left her beloved alternate dimension of diagonal hallways and Kraug worship to come to this land of "stair- cases" and Paralysis. It all made sense to her the moment that she saw, from her vantage point, a fleck of girl amongst the red lit desert sands standing at the edge of the worlds largest hole when she caught the completley abnormal nad never before even wished or dremaed or nightmared even sight of a giant Hermione, made of thousands of Hermiones: Hermione of Hermiones, Giga Hermione.


	28. Chapter 28: Dumbledore's Day

Dumblerd

ore awoke with a resounding crash! He was very nearly late for the last day of the school semester and he figured he should go ahead and hurry it along and get going. And that is just what he did. He dashed from his bed to his bureau and picked out his outfit for the day, he didn't even stop to peruse his visual output by the mirror because he was in a hurry because he woke up late. Then he ran into the kitchens.

The cooks were nowhere to be seen! He nearly fell over several times in his madcap perplexity. Over and over again he scolded himself for being a flippant and lazy old man while he hastened to prepare the day for the students. He yelled, "be sure to fire up a large and hearty breakfast!," hoping that the hidden cooks could hear him and would follow his advice. "Also get started right away!" He added, checking his watch and in dismay realizing that it was very nearly noon. 'good thing all these students are such heavy sleepers,' he decided to himself and then he put a little extra zip in his step.

Before he left the kitchens though he helped himself to not a few handfulls of fresh chocolate pudding. He swallowed so much he thought he would soon be drunk on it and his fingers and whiskers were beyond sticky with the residual proof his enthused sloppiness.

The pudding was suppoused to be saved for the end of the year dance immediately following the field trip. At this very special magical prom night the king and queen of Hogwarts academy for magic would be crowned and also the final scores of the yearly House Cup Competetition would be tallied permanantly, but everyone already knew that the Slytherin's had clearly won the cup because they clearly had the most points. All thanks to Harry Potter and his boyish insistance.

Harry was Probobly albus's best school friend but at times the sap haired fellow sure could get underneath one's skin…. couldn't he.

Queitly as he dared to he rushed to the teachers quarters and began banging on all the doors, running down the rose petal strewn hallways of the professors sleeping tower, shouting and hollering in all manner of ways.

Even though he was in a hurry he couldn't resist stopping outside the occlumency tower and letting rip a whole cascade of brutal punishing farts that far from dissapating by the time the hapless forseer returned from her ill fated trip they would have instead entranched themselves within the very wood of the walls and floors of the towers, permeating the once luxurious place with the stench of his wilted puckered asshole.

Of course Dumbledore failed to arouse anyone beccause today was the day that the school field trip was happening and he was all alone inside of Hogwarts. Doubtless you at home with your comfy jackets and air controlled space, sitting on your lofty cushoined couches, doubtless you have already arrived at the conclusion, but for Dumbledore, right down there in the thick of it, well, it took him a little longer.

Finally, Dumbledore skidded to a halt outside of the Gryfindor common room. His best pal Harry Potter sure could help him, he thought, and he made as if to creep through the commons and sidle up to Harry's bed so that maybe the boy detective could puzzle out just how Dumbledore was going to manage running the school that day when he had already got a bad start of it. "Classes start at 8!" He could imagine Harry admonishing good naturedly, "not Noon! You silly old coot, but of course I'll help you out and lucky for you I know just the right way, all you have to -" But then the imaginary talking all dried up insdie of Albus's grey old head, he couldn't think of Harry's solution yet because Harry wasn't even in his bed!

When Dumbledore realized he had been crouched next to and whispering at an empty bed for the past 5 minutes he leapt to his feet cursing beat to scare the devil.

He positibely screamed his fury out at the empty beds and began kicking piles of laundry and book bags aside this way and that. Each snapping pencil and torn book assuaged his anger a little and by vthe time he had thoroughly trashed the room he had calmed down enough to puzzle out just what was going on. But, just then! He noticed he wasn't really alone in Hogwarts at all, just over the corner of his shoulder he could make out two men wearing black and white striped shirts with little black eye masks holding big black trashbags and sneaking up the school lawn!

Of course he noticed the Wachoski twins and their theiving ways right off the bat, having expelled the ratched duo little on two years ago today!

"Aha!" He shouted out, startling a passing 3rd year girl who hurried out of the strange old man's way, "so they think they can burgal my school while no one is in it do they! Well they have just one surprise, I'm here!"

He sure was.

Dumbledore immediately ran to his private chambers once more. Here he had a large chest positively filled to the brim with marbles and toys. Snape had often criticized Albus's marble collection nad had even once vowed to ensure the destruction of every device of amusement that he could find when he became Hogwarts Headmaster. Albus had always laughed at that prospect, but now that Snape really was about toe become the princiap it was a goot thing Abus ahd hidden his toys. He threw back the fake pile of laundry that was actually an enchanted sheet made to resemble a bunch of dirty boxers and sweat stained undershirts. No one would want to touch all of _that_. Certainly...

Underneath his magical sheet was the toy chest we've been discussing. Inside of the chest Albus spied very many marbles and be began to pick them up by the handful and carry them with him to the front of the school.

At the very front of the school was the front door and right in front of that Albus splayed all of those Marbles that he had grabbed. Just then the two robbers apparated inside the school and immediately fell to the ground, paralyzing themselves permanantly upon the hard stone ground. Albus fell to his knees, his long bony fingers clutching his wrinkly bald head in consternation.

"What have I DONE!" He cried out, but there was no one there to hear him, not when he needed it most. All the other students and teacehrs were in America on vacation and Kraug was still paralyzed, it was all up to him, now.


	29. Chapter 29: The Journey Home

Harry just couldn't wait to get out of America and head on home to Hogwarts for the new school semester. Uusally he approached his studies with a lackadasical flippancy that thoroughly befuddled Hermione's everywhere but this time he was more worried about getting away from Luna and Padma's incessant squabbling than any extra potions homework he was sure to be gangraped by repeatedly through the new year. As soon as the plane doors opened he ducked inside leaving the two young witches to take a few more shots at each other before taking off. The whole ride over, Harry knew, would be filed with that idiosyncratic brand of female bitchery that comes around 12 times a year, yet still they couldn't let the chance to verbally abuse each other on a whole new conitnent go by.

They were at it so long, trading insult for insult and brazen assinuations abounding wildly, that eventually all the other travellers had filed in and where waiting patiently for the loud mouthed teens to work their frustrations out and get aboard so they could leave. Harry watched out the window as the land receded and was reminded of Kraug, laying still and helpless in her massive bed. Paralyzed. He thoughts wondered onto the rest of the Golden Trio and just where they had been all summer. He had been positively everywhere and had not seen a speck of either of them. They hadn't boreded the plane, that was for sure because he had made sure to see if they had gotten on after he had seated. But then again maybe they were already on the plane when he got on it, the two groups of people where so intermingled that he could barely tell.

"Well howdy thar pardner!" A strange yokel popped up from the nearest aisle and began to pump Harry's hand up and down with overt, somewhat shocking, enthusiasm. The strange fellow had on a dip stained white cotton wife better and jean cut off shorts and spoke with a thick country drawl. Padma bounced out ofh er seat and threw heself at the mysterious hillbilly, "oh Ronnie baby, I thought I'd never see u again!" She cried out, hugging him tightly.

"Sure thang lal darlun'" "Ron" responded. The pale skinned and hihgly freckled stranger began to caress Padma all over, it was both of their 18th birthdays and they could do whatever the hell they wanted. The red headed foreigner slipped one of his pale slender fingers up the edge of Padma's skirt, made contact, by the look on her face. Padma squirmed in estatic delight, grinding into the strangers palm saying, "oh god ron just like that" over and over again.

Harry returned to his seat, thoroughly disheleved. It looks like no one can help Harry Potter except for Harry Potter himself. He took a deep painful breath and held it, he held it longer than he could dare, but before he found enough reserve energy to put his plans in motion Luna distracted him by placing one of her pale freckled hands on his arm. Her fingers were long and slender, impossibly pale and skinny. The skin looked painted on to some hyper sheened plastic surface.

Luna and Harry didn't need to speak, they just looked each other in the eyes and let the plane carry them far across the waters of the ocean. Below them lay fathoms of darkness and adventure, a daily struggle on a tectonic scale, life against death, predation against decay.

Finally Luna spoke, "something sure seems strange a bout Padma lately what do you think is going on?"

Harry let his jaw drop, he had not seen this coming at all. This crazy damned world, he thought. "I don't rightly know what you mean," he said, and he meant it too. He was completely confused, what was all this Luna was saying about Padma "Acting Strange"... what does that even mean? Luna has a history of falling into crazy obsessions, Harry conceded, and decided to try and give Luna's strange tale a chance.

After a tense pause she said, "Ever since her twin sister dies she has been acting very weird!" It was like she was just discovery the truth the very moment she uttered it, entralled, she continued, "at first she was normal about it I guess, she would seem to have to go off by herself to use the bathroom a lot and then she would seem to not remember any of the stuff we had been doing or talking about when she came back..." Luna sat down and lit a cigarette, drawing the blue gray smoke in with lazy opulence. "I'm just not sure about her anymore, she's so distant sometimes, and then it's like the other half of the time she is a completely different person..."

Harry figured this would be a good time for him to leave so he dipped out quietly, leaving Luna undistered with her brooding thoughts. Harry paced down the aisle back to his seat, hands clenching and unclenching in odd intervals, just what had he stumbled upon now! As he seated himself yet again he stole a furtive glance at Padma and the country stranger who had suddenly shown up and an torn away her indescretions. He seemed vaugely familiar.

"Damnit!" Harry said aloud and unknowingly, "who are you!" But if he refered to the red headed seducer of the raven haired mysterium he knew not.

Before he had known what was happening to him Harry fell into an uneasy fitful sleep. He dreamt of dementors and Saturnalia waiting patiently for rescue, but he dreamed of now solutions to his current set of predicaments and nothing that even refered to them in any seeming way. Once he had rubbed the sleep from his eyes he stretched out in the aisles and then sauntered down to the restroom. On her way back to her seat, and seeming in a particular hurry was none other than the mystery girl herself, Padma.

Harry attempted to halt her but she kept right ahead walking and soon she was back in her seat and he was standing in the center aisle, hand outstretched, mouth open gaping like a complete jackass, he quickly he shuffled off to the bathroom to get out the hateful glare of the other passengers. Once he had locked himself in and fully calmed down with the help of his trusty Xannax perscription he took a good look around himself checking for clues, and that's when he saw her! Padma Patil wasn't outside in the rest of the plane at all, because Padma Patil was standing right in front of him!

She had been futilely trying to hid herself in the incredibly carmped bathroom compartment, and anyone but Harry Potter would have been fooled, but that's a story for another time.


	30. Chapter 30 : Giga Hermione

"God damn! What have I done!?"

The shout echoed through the still empty halls and archways of Hogwarts School for witchcraft And Wizardry... Down down down it flowed the steps to the very basements themselves and they pooled like viscous puddles of ferocious sound.

And yet.

There was no one to hear those cries... no one but the man himself who uttered them hence, Dumbeldore!

The old man stooped over the fallen boys who had broken their spines in some foolish prank to win his respect and here he had gone and crippled them, for life probably, like Kraug, probobly. The dark haired twin, Seamus, was still concious, his light haired brother, Wayne, was far gone into sleep, far to gone for questions, for speech, for anything but sleep.

That was probably for the best. If he knew anything about paralyzed teens, and with Kraug around he sure knew a lot, it was that they could be eplosively more moody than able bodied teens. They also were more cunning and trecherous than their mobile counterparts ands could not be trusted. But everyone knows that. Dumbledore knew he couldn't wait another moment, and with renewed resolve and focus he rushed to Filtch's closet to get the duct tape.

 **Meanwhile, thousands of miles above the Atlantic ocean** , Harry was gaping into a swirling void of confusion and mystery. He had just seen Padma walk down the aisle to take her seat whilst he was on his way to the toilet, and yet... here stood Padma right in front of him! He turned away from he like a whiplash and splashed some cold water in his face, staring in the mirror, willing himself to go on, to live another day. He hurried out of there and retook his seat, trying to act casual.

None of the other passengers paid him any mind as he trundled past them, whistling under his breath. His palms were sweaty but no one could see it and he figured he was far enough away from America that no one would try to shake his hand so he figured he would be just fine and that no on ewould notice his slimy sweat greased hands. But then he remembered the strange red headed fellow that had made love to Padma about an hour earlier, he sure did like to shake hands if Harry remembered correctly, so he darted back down the aisle and went to the luggage section of the plane and got out his invisiblity cloak which he had packed just in case.

With the confidance of the invisible Harry gtlided passed "Ron", whoever the hell that meant, and plopped into his seat. He slipped the cloak off slow enough that he didn't draw attention to himself and then wrapped his left arm around Luna. She was still asleep and snuggled into his rock hard abs, dreaming of another time, another plane.

He had managed to get away from shaking hands with anyone and no one seemed to be staring at him openly, but Harry was still worried that the other pasengers could tell he was losing his mind. Because clearly, the years of toil and worry, the sleepless nights jumping at every sound and scrape of twig and branch, all the days spent earnestly praying to the night to never come, they had finally applied enough pressure to snap his already fragile hormone soaked teen psyche. He knew that this was comoing, of course, he had been expecting it since his 13th birthday, the day he watched Doby commit suicide, he knew..,. 'there's no coming back from this,' he could remember thinking it and the internal voice and tone he'd used and everything, 'some things you don't come back from, so many things, so many memories...'

Too many memories...

Harry tried to ease his breathing, to slow his heart rate so that it didn't burst out of his chest, spraying a bewildered, screaming Luna with a gout of blood, a crimson geyser ending his detective agency all too soon. He managed to calm down and tried to replay the facts, was the bathroom very dark? Padma was colored and those types tend to blend into the shadows, maybe he just saw a stray patch of darkness and his mind filled in the blanks, he had just seen moments before so it was perfectly plausible... and yet.

And yet he did not believe that he had mislooked. What he had seen in the bathroom had been real, a real hallucination, not an eye speck or a stroke. Harry Potter, the boy who lived, was criminaly insnae. And the clock was ticking.

 **MEANWHILE, IN UTAH**

Hermione gasped. She slapped her hand to cover her mouth so quickly that she bloodied her lip but she did not even notice that. Before her she saw... herself. Only so much more. Giga Granger stood 100 feet tall, made of thousands upon thousands of Hermiones stacked upon, atop, and akimbo to each other, each strand of hair was dozens of Hermione's from alternate dimensions holding themselves in a 20 Hermione long chain, wrists to ankles. Her eyes were made of a half dozen Hermione's doing splits and contursions to affect the exact shape and function of a real working cornea.

At first glance Giga Hermione seemed to be standing perfectly still. But this was not so. Her skin was literaly crawling with Hermiones and Hermione Lion Hearted gasped anew. She suddenly realized what she had seen at firszt to be a hollow shell of altnerate Hermione's clinging to one another was really a fully functioning oragism with a rich interior life. She let her mind wander pleasantly, thinking about joining Giga Hermione some day, what it would be like, to never be alone... What sort of things go on in there? She wondered, fruitlessly.

Before she or Kraug could speak Giga Hermione threw her hands over her face with an embaressed wail, tears fell, each made of a Hermione, balled up tight and perfectly spherical, until they hit the ground and spread out like a splash but with a human, Hermione, body. The Time Child did not understand at all, until Mecha Granger 20-30 pointing out something to her, something that was laying on the ground nearby where Giga Granger had just woken up from, she'd been sleeping until just recently. Mecha Granger 20-30 pointed to something that made everything clear, something made of about 60 or 70 so Hermiones and laying flat on the ground next to an extra large bed. It was a robe of Hermione's, and Giga Hermione must that thought that Hermione and Mecha Granger 20-30 had been peeping at her naked on purpose!

"Just Imagine!" The Time child sputtered and stammered indignantly. "We come all this way and she thinks we are perverted now!" She kicked a rock and sent it tumbling away down into the Grand Canyon, she was in a right awful mood now for sure.

"I know it really is too much!" Mecha Granger 20-30 agreed sulkily. She vroomed next to her vacation partner with a pnuematic whooshing noise and patted her on the back with a consoling gun arm. "Back that's enough of this feel sorry for ourselves business!" She decided suddenly, "that business is going under and the business of clearing our names once and for all is too big to fail!"

"That's right!" The time child agreed, fervently, "we should go find her and clear up this whole situation!" The clasped hands and ran together into the sunset, looking ahead for whatever crazy thing life had in store for them next. After the vacation they'd had the felt ready to take on the world, ready to really get out there and start making a difference.


	31. The Return To Hogwarts Part One

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AUTHORS SECTION

Hi everyone! It's me, E.B. Woodhouse here, I want to take a little space here to go ahead and congratulate and give a lot of thanks for sticking around for 30 amazing chapters. I couldn't have gotten so far without all this wonderful fan support. You guys are seriuosly the best and have all done so much to help me craft this very special tale that the credit really shouldn't all be going to me (though i do love it! sorry couldnt help myself! xD) you all helped make this happen. But any ways...

Especial thanks are due to The Warty Hogg, thanks man! The Warty Hogg, if you didn't know, has his own Harry Potter Fanfic in progress as well, Weasleys Wedding Weazes, which is amazing!and should be read by everyone, like, on a required reading in shcools level its so good. He's also basically my editor and has really helped me to hone my skills recently, time and time again i can really on WH for insightful input and ...for praise and gentle admonitions., because as you know we're about to get ready for a brand new Semester at Hogwarts... and this year the Slytherins are the Head House! Also a couple more surprises in store, but anyway, let's get right down to brass tacks! This what follows is the first part of my brand new New Kind Of Granger sub-series (which returns all the witches and wizards you love, as well as not a few new faces, to their rightful place, Hogwarts School for Witch Craft and Wizardry... The Return To Hogwarts!

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Back To Hogwarts : Part 1

The desert stretched out long and low amongst the hills. The ground was a uniform tan and the sky a mirrored blue, Hermione the Time Child ran, she ran so far that soon she forgot what she was running toward, or from?, and soon ran for the sheer thrill of it. Her heart soared among the sandy dunes and peaks, flying aside the migratory seagulls and desertbirds in the air above. Mecha Granger 20-30, her droid companion, became lonely, but trudged on, and found a well of strength within her iron heart that she had henceforward unsuspected. Ever since that malicious rake, Harry Potter, had blown out her heart circuits she had been very down on her poor mechanical self, but all that was changing on her journey.

Secretly, though she loved Hogwarts, she wished the field trip would never end. Her and her bizare pall from that crazy alternate world she had been from the future of, Hermione Lion Hearted were late for the plane, and by now the train as well, she mused, so maybe the field trip really would never end. Although after a few days the faculty was liable to send Snape out to retrieve them and they'd find themselves back in school soon enough, that strange school of this alternate dimension they currently resided in, with its paralysis and "stair cases" in the place of their beloved diagonal hallways. Mecha Granger hadn't glided up a decent diagonal hallway in ages and she sorely missed them, but she didn't let that distract her from the task at hand, which was running. And run she did. She sped across the desert as though the day were about to end and tommorow would never come, and still she ran on.

After an indeterminate amount of time had passed the two blonde besties had finally caught up to their quary. The gigantic apparation, towering high in the sky with Hermione upon Hermione had finally run out of wind, the Hermione's compromising the lungs having worn themselves out, all several dozen of them were in states of critical exhaustion, the internal Hermione diagnostic and recovery team, the White Blood Cell Hermiones were on the scene, shoring up Lung Hermione 1 through 58 as best they could. Lung Hermione 34 had a badly sprained ankle and White Blood Cell Team Hermiones 5 and 29 crouched over her, consoling the poor bewildered girl and patching her up expertly. Just then the Red Blood Squad showed up, Hermione White 11 cracked her knuckles but was held back at the last second by Hermione White 10 and 12, they couldn't spare another brawl, not here, not while the Lung Hermione's were in such a desperate state.

"Honestly now 11, what ARE you thinking!" 10 scolded, her hands upon her hips. "We certainly don't have time for any of THAT nonesense... really!"

11 flushed a scarlet shade of humilitation. She had always been such a reckless and high emotioned sort of Hermione, even before she had joined Giga Hermione and really gotten her life back on track. And now here she was backsliding into the mistakes and maladaptive behaviors of the past. "You... you-," she couldn't almost control her fervent passions, but under the impatient yet kindly glaces of the other White Blood Cell Hermiones she forced herself to control her quelling passions. "You are absoluetely right, I don't know WHAT ever I was thinking and should really give myself a good dressing down.. but not right now! We had best get to getting the Lung Hermiones back in tip top shape so we can continue to run away in embarassment."

The heads of Hermione White and Red Blood Cell Squads nodded their agreement and acceptance of this temporary pact and the two teams merged together, twice as effective, healing the Lung Hermiones twice as quickly and thoroughly. At the mention of Giga Hermiones overall current state of emotion though quite a few of the assembled Hermiones, even the semi concious and concussed Lung Hermiones began muttering amongst themselves at the nerve, the AUDACITY, of these new upstart alternate dimension Hermiones, not even in a guild or composite being yet, sneaking up and snooping upon Hermiones as thought they were the only two Hermiones that even mattered, the Hermione Primes of long legend and tall tale. And not to mention not a few not so undangerous cults and extremist sects, but that's a story for another day.

As these internal squabbles and dramas momentarily had disabled Giga Granger, almost like Kraug, laying paralyzed in her lonely bed, and yet temporary. And while Giga Granger was for the nonce unable to proceed further phsyically in her metaphysical sense, as her internal Hermiones were still perfectly mobile at the time, Mecha Granger snuck up on her again. The high tech battle droid was run by an exponentially advanced internal computer that could soulve 10 to the 999th power complex mathmatical equations and calculate a trajectory thorugh the very solar system itself she had little real time knowledge about human interaction and emotions. The Time Child was too distracted up there and Mecha Granger had no guidance because of this, so that's why she snuck up on Giga Hermione again.

Mecha Granger 20-30 was so amazed by the architectural genius of all of her alternate selves and she just sat there and stared in awe. But then... Giga Granger came fully back to her senses, the Blood Cell Squads having finally stopped their constant bickering and skirmishes long enough to heal all of the injured Lung and Ankle Hermiones. Giga Granger could not believe her eyes! All of the Hermiones that made up both left and right eyes shouted out in disgust! Here they were, taking their down time to talk about how maybe these two new Hermiones knew something about the Hermione Primes they had so longed yearned to learn more about, and they also were talking about that they should forgive them, but here they had snuck back up on them again! And they were staring at her again too!

The combined shouts of all the Eye Hermiones was loud enough to finally bring Hermione Lion Hearted back into the her senses and she quickly realized what horrible mistake had just taken place. "Oh daer!" She shouted out, clasping her hands to her cheeks in sorrow.

MG23 raised a quizical eyebrow and Hermione elaborated for her while also explaining the situation to Giga Granger, hoping to explain something to two birds with one stone. "You see, Mecha Granger 20-30, when the two of us happened upon Giga Granger here we did so by mistake and chance, each time, and yet Giga Granger thinks that we are stalking her!" She was finally able to work it out for herself as the words left her mouth. Maybe it was her lion heart that made her that way, either how it came to her she didnt even care because right now it sure had helped her to understand this complex situation a little better. She had a feeling she knew how diplomats felt, always so confused and thirsty from running through deserts or fields out there in the wide, crazy world.

"I don't just think you've been stalking me!" The Voice Hermione called out, all the others had fallen completely silent, as custom when the Voice wants to make herself heard. It was an intimidating and thunderous voice, echoing off the many dozen Hermiones lining her echoing chamber in the throat.

"Well that is a relief," said Mecha Granger 20-30, prematurely.

"I don't think it because I KNOW it!" The Voice boomed out, cutting off her early celebrations. "It is completely obvious that the two of you are trouble starters, carriers of mischance and misfortune; I name thee!"

Hermione Lion Heart fell to her knees and couldn't even believe what she was hearing.

"You two have followed all the way here, to the last place among places, the Grand Canyon, in your perverse agenda to look upon my imodesty right at the two moments when my gaurd is lowered the most! How can you explain such unlawful and troublesome behaviours if be you not the aforementioned appelations?"

The time child desperately wished she had some rebutal to this, some way to rebuke the heinous accusation thrust upon her and her one of two besties, two thrids the Golden Trio, fallen so far from glory as to be called such things, the other Golden Trioeete paralyzed, accused as well, of being something far worse... A sneak disser. And now this.


	32. The Return To Hogwarts Part Two

"Oh, yes." Said Pransy Parkinson.

She was on the exact same plane as Harry and all of his friends but because of her Darkgroom Darco Malfoy's parent's money she was afforded the luxury of riding in first class. The seats in the first class section were much more thoroughly cushioned and spaced further apart, which had been suiting Hagrid just nicely. As Pansy's next gimp he accompanied her at all of the time and was surprised to find he could easily fit his halfgiant girth between the seats that Pansy and her Darkgroom were draped over, side to pale side. Draco was flipping turgidly through some tome or other, his pale bony fingers gripping the dusty well worn pages.

"Wait!" Pansy gasped urgently, and then, "okay, no, that's good, keep that up," she was talking so loud in there that Draco could alsmo hear her from al lthe way in his seat next to the empty ones she and Hagrid had just left. About an hour and a half into the flight, after the first class dinner had been served, roast lobster with buttered rolls and miniature black forest ham sandwhiches with orange juice or, for passengers of suitable age, orange juice with a little kick, some Vodka poured into it. Once the two liquids are properly synergized they produce what is known as a Screwdriver Drink and quite a few of the wealthier staff members, like Snape and Professor Flitwick, who had just recently inherited his late great uncles oil fortunes had been knocking the Screwdriver drinks one by one and getting a really pleasant affect, the air in the spacious compartment filled as with a miasma but not of deadly nerve toxins but good natured talking instead. The Vodka was doing it's job

. But back to the task at hand! After Pansy had thoroughly tucked away at least five of the delecious ham sandwhiches and then gnawed down a whole haunch of lobster, Draco, who secretly harbored an intense "gainer" fetish, watched in rapt sexual tension.

Pansy had a fierce way of eating. She was a refined and classy girl, most of the time. In the sack she was a beast, and she was little less at the dinner table, or as her slack jawed first class fellow passengers were learning even at the plane seat as well! She didn't know why she ate so quickly, it clearly made people around her uncomfortable and usualy she did her best no raise any eyebrows.. at least not in that type of way... because if one thing can be said about Pansy Parksinon it's that she never takes no for an answer and always get what she wants, ready to rip the jugular out of life to get what ever she wants. And she had learned from a very early age that to get what she wanted to she to give. Quid Pro Quo, her mantra, she knew that society has rigidly enforced expectations of young women, and it was her duty, she felt, upon recognizing this expectations to fill that role, the role of the perfect little girl, sugar and spice and everything nice, and lips, and...

After all of that exhausting, whirlwind fervency of the meal had passed away, at least for Pansy, since she ate so quickly all the other passengers were still only part way done by the time she had quite finished. So she was alone to go the bathroom to make room for desert... alone that is except for her gimp, who could no longer respond to the name "Hagrid," as it amused her, the exertion of her puissance to take his very name!

"Yes. Just. Like... That!" Pansy continued to wail out.

Unbeknownst to pretty much everyone on the plane Pansy was not in the bathroom for any kind of voiding at all, quite the contrary, nothing was going out, except words from her mouth and sweat from her brow, but something was going in... gimps fat sausagey middle finger. She was getting fingered by Hagrid while he knelt on the ground, an extra wide dildo shoved up inside him far enough to hold and stay put for a good long time. The gimp's dildo had it's name etched in pink along the side, the i dotted with a broken heart. Draco had drawn it on himself with the upmost of care, Pansy had high expectations for not only her gimps and fluffers but also her lovers, yet Draco was up to the task. The adornment he had added was perfect. The end of the dildo had a long black dog's tail on the end, because Pansy like to tease Hagrid and call him her dog and also he ate out of a dog bowl sometimes when the dark fancy struck her.

As he alternated between thrusting his girthy middle finger in and out of Pansy Hagrid began to think of the day when that finger would be on her hand, not in her private parts. His pecker was hard again, she didn't notice it though because he had on a chastity belt. His pecker was too small for the chastity belt to hinder an errection.

Pansy was sweating heavily, large salty gobs of it fell onto Hagrids shoulders and the crown of his furry tangled head. The hair at the top of Hagrid was good indication of what was going on below and even had Hagrid been endowed with an average or even well above average pecker it would have been impossible to spot it amongst his bushy light brown forest of pubic hair. His lower belly which curverd looming over head of his crotch was covered in a thatch of his sandy hair as well and unless he stood with a perfectly staright back the two intermingled making an already hairy situation worse!

Pansy licked her lips, ran her hand across her forehead with shone with perspiration until she had accumulated a lot of it on the side of her hand. She chopped at the air but without hitting anything. She wasn't actually trying to karate chop anything, had never even taken classes, but was instead forcing the moisture off of her hand. When she had scooped it up the plan all along had been to use it in some way to further degrade her girmp. Despite the fact that he was currently loving it, still on cloud nine, the honey moon stage, she had begun to grow tired of the routine. America had been fun but she found that she dearly missed her latex lycanthrope, waiting for her back at home, probablty starving the poor dear.

A few months earlier Susan Bone's had been turned into a werewolf, during a skirmish with the Slytherins she was captured, shaved completely smooth and poured into a violently pink Zentai suite. She was originally supoused to have been killed but Pansy took one look into the heratbroken beast's eyes and knew that she had found, despite never having searched or even believed in such a thing beforehand, a soul mate. Pansy had demanded that Susan Bones be given safe passage and even the rarely invoked honors of the "Guest of House" rites. All the Slitherings where thirsty for blood, foaming at the mouths practically, but that also knew that the rites were an important and inescapble piece of the laws of Slythero The Founder.

The wretched creature, formerly a normal little girl, now transformed, forever probably, into a beast. Pansy knew how she felt, and yet how?she would wonder to herself time and again. 'I certainly am no beast,' she reasoned, 'certainly...'

Either way, Pansy was pretty sure that she and Susan had a future together. Hagrid failed to pick this up, he wasn't especially bright, or an empath like Draco. The whole time he was fingering Pansy in the bathroom she was fantasizing about Susan Bones while he had been fantasizing about finally working up the nerve to ask her father for her hand in marriage and then proposing, down on one knee, or all fours if that's how she wanted it.

Meanwhile in the first class seats, Draco sat brooding silenece. This was his usual default state and so no one really noticed his silence much, but this time he wasn't just having a passing fancy or stray thought, he was focused deeply, on the astral level, flexing his empathic muscles. His summer vacation had been spent in the legendary town of Cassadaga, immortalized since by Connor O'berst and the Bright Eyes Band in their song, "Cassadag". The spooky little town is located in the lower half of the United States, in , United States, just north of Deltona. It is especially known for having a large number of psychics and mediVolusia County, Floridaums, and has consequently been named the "Psychic Capital of the World".[1]

Every night he spent looking at those Floridian night skys his inert astral power came to, little by little, from its long years of rest. The Power had been within him from birth, as heralded by the alignment of the stars and meteor shower on the night of his birth 12 years ago, it had lain fallow all these dozen years. It was most likely the Power itself that had given him the confidance to approach a seventh year bombshell like Pansy out in the first place, but either way, he had suceeded and she had been his Darkbride ever hence.

Even though Draco's pyschic ability was off every chart the befuddled mystics and shamans and sages of that tiny little Florida town could draw up or even imagine it was still budding, still coming to fruition and as such he had some major blocks in the use of it. For one thing he was almost completely unable to read or understand fully emotions that he would rather not be aware of. As such he could feel the intense surge of passions welling out of hte plane, but he could not tell from whence they came or from whom they originated. If he had known his heart would have been shattered utterly and irrevocably. And so a quarintined, small, far flung corner of his conciousness sheilded him from this, it would come to pass in time that Draco would finally garner the control of his powers to meet this remarkable being, and the journeys they would then share could fill libraries, but one thing at a time!

Draco slid from his seat, moving at a snails pace, he wanted to find whoever was having sex and get a good peek at it! He was only twelve and did not really undesrtand what "Doing It" was, could barely say the word "Sex" itself without giggling, even if it were in reference to gender or some other inocuos usage... But he figured that since he had a mature 18 year old girlfriend he ought to go a head and learn about it sooner or later. And better soon than later!

Draco figured that stealth would be his biggest asset in the quest he was embarking upon, aside from of course his empathic astral sight, and so he got off on a right, and stealthy foot but lifting up from his seat so slowly as to not draw any attention to himself. He was standing out in the very aisle of the plane itself a while later and not a soul notice him, and they conti nued on in their ignorants as he stalked slowly down. Luckily for him he had been in the front seat and he could just creep down the plane and eventually he would get so see some sex.

Draco could feel the lustfull emotions stronger than ever after only a minute or two out of his seat. He was a little frightened, just a tad overwhelm at hte prospect of finally crossing such an important bridge on his journey through life, and longed for the familiarity of his comfy over stuffed seat. But he had taken the first step, and if his father had taught him anything in all his life it was that once a journey begins it can never finish until it is done. Draco continued on a little faster, the feeling he detected seemed to be reaching some sort of climax and he feared they would soon miss his chance.

He passed by the bathroom that his Darkbride was cheating on him in. The hairs on the back of his pale skinny neck raised as he walked by her, something seemed to be tugging at his memories. If he could only have calmed himself down enough to remember that Pansy had gotten up to go to the bathroom minutes ago, and she had had that gimp with her as well. But he kept on creeping down the aisle, even after the astral output had faded to nil and the two lovers had obviously spent themselves. Draco pressed on, hoping to at least catch sight of some people cuddling in the nude, he desperately wanted to see a man's penis. He was not a homosexual or interested in age play but he just wanted to know what his pecker looked like next to that of a full grown man's.

Draco would often catch himself daydreaming in class about on of the faculty members and their mature adult penis. What would be the heft of it? The weight? Was there much give and pull or did they become firmer over time? Draco desperately asked these questions and more to himself always and yet answers never seemed forthwith.

The sexual feelings had all but resided completely by the time Draco snuck into the coach section of the plane. The air here was foul, it stank of axe cologne, perspiration, cheap meals and cheap polyester body odor. 'How the working class manage to live with themselves is just beyond me,' Draco mused smugly, but with only one corner of his mind, the other part of his conciousness was still disecting earlier thoughts. For instance, what would it be like to place his penis next to Snape's? Did grown men compare size and girth with one another or was that taboo or just something for the homosexuals and gays? Draco thought that a grown man's penis would undoubtedly be better than a teenage boy's penis although he didn't know much about adult men in that way that seemed to be the one sure thing he could count on.

As he searched, ducking occasionally to check underneath seats, he got to thinking about Professor Slughorn... He was probably the oldest man at Hgowarts aside from that daft old fraud (and mudblood lover to boot!) Dumbledore who was the recipient of so much of Draco's scorn that the pale young wizard could barely bring himself to even think about the Headmaster without his blood pressure taking a spike. But he liked Slughorn much better, far better than he had taken to any of the other Professors at Hogwarts. He had been close to Quirell in his first year, but Harry had seen to that for him, the twat, and for the longest time Draco had felt pretty much alone at that big old, cold, school... That is, until Professor Slughorn had stepped in and taken him under his wing.

Once Draco had become a member of The Slug Collection, as the group of students hand picked to attend secret dinners by Slughorn were called, he started to feel like Hogwarts was a place that he belonged. The meetings were marvelous and put him in mind of the elagant parties his mother and father would often throw, after ushering/ forcing him upstairs and into bed early so as to not ruin their fun. "Well look at me now mommy and daddy!" He thought gleefully when he had sat down to the table at his very first meeting.

He had been just Eleven back then, his first year of school. And he had found himself surrounded by much older students. There were a trio of sixth year Hufflepuff girls, a sixth year Ravenclaw couple, only one Gryffindor, a seventh year, and four more Slitherins, all seventh years. Being surrounded by so many older students gave Draco a sense of pride and also set him to wondering for the first time about the penises of older teen agers. Until that point when he had thought about penises in general and not just his own he had always been considering the penises of fully grown men. Men in their thirties and up, grizzled men hardened by labor and toil, men with bristling thatches of pungent body hair, men with hair knotted muscles... men.

But now he wondered about young men, around the ages of 17 and up, through to until about the tweenties or so. The transitory period seemed to be specific to the male in question, Draco had noticed.

Professor Slughorn was a person of extreme import and as such all the discusions that flavored the weekly dinners took on that same weighty tone. A good deal of what was said had directly and easily applicable worth to Draco and it paid off handsomely for him to listen closely. It always chanced that he would hear something that would bring him considerable profit, and yet, he would often doze off a little and think about the differences between Slughorns penis and the penises of the younger men assembled at the table. Draco of course had never seen any of their penises but he felt like he had a pretty good idea none the less. The younger men's penises, he liked to imagine, were a much lighter shade than what he figured Slughorn's penis would be colored. He also was pretty sure that as men get older their penises would take on a somewhat coarse texture and imagined how much smoother the younger men must be compared to his favorite professor.

Slughorn walked with a stiff gait and favored his left leg. Draco surmised that his penis was unusually heavy and tilted to the side becuase of this.


	33. The Return To Hogwarts Part Three

Now that Harry had gone insane he was hanging out with a bad crowd. He no longer sat with his girlfriend Luna or her best friend Padma and her mysterious red headed lover and instead lounged in the very back row, where it was smokey and dangerous. People with hair dyed all sorts of colors and with tattooes everywhere sat, paced, fought and fucked in this section of the plane. It was noisey, a riot of sound and colors and hard living. The floors and walkways were strewn with refuse and garbage, the walls a paroxysm of graffiti and defacements. An unusally thin girl with all of her head shaved except a ponytail on the left, dyed a fierce unnatural red lit a cigaretet with her thumbnail. A couple wearing all leather, their faces obscured by leather masks, the kind without holes for the yes or mouth or even ears, looked at each other and nodded, they rushed the ponytailed waif.

The leather duo had the girl on the ground, pummeling her with their black leather fists until she lost conciousness, they stole her cigarette and snuck away before anyone else to hijack it from them in the same fashion, "Like a bunch of scavengers waitint their turn at a kill", Harry mused cynically. He was awful cynical as of late, but he found the mood fit him well, too well, like tight black leather.

How had Harry come to live among such savage people with such barbarous ways?

It had all started when Harry had met a mysterious black haired girl...

About an hour or so after Harry had hallucinated that he saw Padma hiding inefectually in the bathroom when Padma had clearly just left the bathroom he decided to ease his relentless nerves by taking a casual stroll. He assured Luna he'd "be back in two ticks" and walked, slowly, calmly, down the aisles. He smiled slightly to ensure everyone around him and all the passengers that he was friendly and he walked at such a sluggish pace that it could hardly be called walking atall and was s, and ure to indicate his assured state of sound mind. Fake it till you make harry, he told himself. The chaade was easy, too easy... it was a bitter and hollow sort of victory, he reckoned, and it did not satistfy him.

Anyways, as he walked he eventually came upon... Draco Malfoy! Draco, that unctious leering fellow was crouching about as though upon the hunt, but what for Harry could hardly tell. Harry knew one thing, he may be surrounded by a ceaseless void of mysteries, always beckoning ever at his heels, but at least he knew himself, and he was pretty sure if he came across Draco in the state he was currently in it would end badly.

Like Draco being heli-vauced to a hospital for an emergency pecker-ectomy, because if Draco dared to through any sneering insults Harry's way then Harry would go right ahead and rip his pecker off.

To avoid a messy situation Harry darted off to his left before Draco could even realize he was there. Harry kept up a quick jog for about 15 minutes or so and finaly slowed down to an even relaxed trot. Draco seemed pretty intent on moving up the lateral end of the plane, Harry figured, so if he kept to the ventral edges he would likely be fine. And that is how he came to the very back of the plane. He walked and walked, and soon he walked so far that he dosed off, in a semi sleep walking state he didn't realize that he had come to a section of the plane bereft of electricity save for a flickering bare bulb of sparking exposed wire here and there.

In his semi concious, insane, state he kept on walking in this musky pit of foulness until he came upon something that stumped his toe and knocked him unto him rump. He came to his senses, or what little was remained of them, with a start.

"Hedwig! Help, it's me! It's your little 'Arry and I'm Looost!" He called out, briefly stunned by the darkness of his unfamiliar suroundings. "Just how did I come to be here anyway!" He mused outloud, looking about, trying to peer through the thick blackness.

It was then that he heard a scuttling noise off to his left.

Harry's pulse quickened, his skin seeemed to tighten all over his body, giving him a feeling of being in a too tight body suit of fleshy anxiety. 'No telling what my earlier outburst has brough upongst me now...' Harry thought and he cowered there, in the dark, waiting for whatever it was to come for him, to take his life...

Just then, a creature scuttled up to him, it appeared to be a gigantic black spider, covered in several other smaller spiders. Harry screamed!

He scrambled to his feet but the spider thing had him in its clutches and slammed him to the ground.

"Is this how it ends!?" Harry cried out, tears of grief staining his face.

"Be quiet you silly nit!" The creature scolded him, it would not release it's death grip of his sturggling wrist and jerked about in the darkness with him as he struggled to extricate himself and be free once again. He had though insanity was the worst thing that could happen to him, he was wrong, _he was so wrong!_


	34. The Return To Hogwarts Part Four

A few miles west of the Grand Canyon, Hermione Lion Herated and Mecha Granger 20-30 had finally come to an agreement. But sadly for them they hadn't come into an agreement with Giga Granger yet, and that was what they had set out to do…

 **A few hours ago**

The two thirds of a Golden Trio, on vacation in America, had come upon Gina Granger in a state of momentary inmodesty. She had failed to put on a shirt before the jaw struck foreigners had caught sight of her bare chest, fllung out in the breeze for all to see. And they saw… and they saw all…

So that's why Giga Granger ran off into the desert to get away from the peeping Hermione's… She kept on running until all of her Ankle component-selves within were almost dead with exhuastion and so she hads to slow down again, that's when the not so Golden Duo snuck up on them again and Giga had gone ahead and forgetten to grab her shirt with her as she ran away.

But just in time, to quell the flames of the Giga Fury about to wind her way Mecha Granger revealed what she had been hiding behind her back all that time. It was Giga Grangers shirt!

A long tense silence crawled by while everyone worked out just what was going on and got on the same page.

"But how can so many Hermione's live together and not bicker and be hindered by a sort of internal red tape situation ?" the girl with the lion heart wanted to know.

Giga Granger took a long drag on her cigarette and stretched out alittle, this answer would take some time. But it was a good answer to give and a great thing to be asked for, she figured. Now that she understood that The Time Child and Mecha Granger 20-30 were not perverted and really did have her best interests in mind they were all chatting casually with each other, with none of the tension of their earlier exchange.

"Well gee," Giga Granger finally managed, "I guess it's like living in an apartment complex, but the complex is also made out of you and all of your neighbours?"

"Oh, okay, thanks. I think that really explains a lot about your inner workings and motivations." She replied.

Meanwhile. On the plane.

The creature continued to hold onto Harry as he struggled to extricate himself from the horrible situations he had become. All he pitiful wailing and flailing did no good as the best kept a tight grip upon him and dragged him all the way into a nearby bathroom. The lavatory was obviously out of order, or the light would have been on and door not just left open all willy nilly, but that was just how the "Creature" wanted it best. Harry kept up his grim resistance though, even until the bitter end, he roared throatily, or would have that is, if the "Creture" hadn't kept "it's" "claws" clamped over his jaws.

"Oh help me pleas this thing has Rabies or I don't know what all, please!" he would have cried out, if he could have. But his lpis were sealed.

Just as Harry was on the very brink of fainting, a strange sound distracted his fear out of the forefront of his thoughts. There were… people! People just like Harry and Ron and Hermione and all the others, but what were they doing here! Of all places? This section of the plane is in a state of obvious disrepair, Harry knew, so why did these fool hardy people not even care that the section of the craft could be dangerous or off limits? But when the group came into view Harry's suspicious were finally put to ease. They were completely quelled.

The people that walked out in front of the door of the lavatory were about four in number, though in intimadation stature they stood taller and number much more. They were all well muscled, even the women, and one of them he couldn't see because it were standing behind a large muscular Amercian fellow with a lot of tattoo's. Harry couldn't really make them out very well from his cramped hiding spot (keep in mind that the monster is holding onto him right now so there's two people in the stall) but one of the tattoes said "forever alive 1987, never forget" and had a heart with arrows through it, the others were indescipherable, just globs of ink on skin as far as Harry could see.

All four of these passengers, if paying passangers they were nad not actually stow aways or worse, were clearly trouble as far as Harry could see. They walked out in front of the door when he got a good look at them again and they almost saw him. He figured it would be troulbe for him if they did see him too, so he was almost glad that the monster had caught him, but he knew once the coast was clear it was feeding time for the beast of flight 73 as far as Harry knew.

But what Harry didn't know was that they "Beast" wasn't really a monster at all… but a normal, on some levels at least, little teenage girl. She hated her real name and didn't go by it anymore.

"All my friends call me Spiders," she said, lighting a cigarette.

Harry could see why, she had dyed her hair pitch black and dread locked it into eight long spider leg like hair spikes, she also had several tarantuals crawling all over her at any time. But she liked them that way, they were all her pets and each had a secret name.

"I can see why," Harry said, admiring her spiders.

"Just kidding," Spiders said, she punctuated what she said with a draw from her cigarette, "I don't have any friends?"

Harry didn't know what to do. She was obvioulsy a weird girl and they had gotten off on a bad foot when they met but he didn't want her to feel sad, so, "I'll be your friend… Spiders," he said.

It worked! She cheered up and he figured he did owe her after all when she had saved him from that roving gang earlier it had really paid off for him. Because after all, that's how he met his new best friend who had lived a hard life and could steer him down the paths of a rocky adolescence from the passenger bay. Harry desperately wished Ron were around to share in his woe, but Padma had dumped him for some redneck and he couldn't think of any other people who knew Ron well enough to be asked where he is.

So instead he basked in the darkened embrace of the goth crowd on the plane. Soon enough he had started painting his nail and also switched from smoking Newports to clove cigarettes. His musica taste was changing as well, he liked a lot of Depeche Mode and Good Charlotte now that he was a troubled teen. He bought an over priced The Used t-shrit on-line.

Harry didn't really have much time to think about his old, sane, boring safe life that he had once taken for so much granite. For example one of the things he had never thought highly enough of was a good meal and a nice and full belly. He and Ron, oh Ron, how he missed that boy. But anyway, he and Ron used to scarf down their meals at Hogwarts. All that food that just magically came to them and they didn't even value it properly, instead they had gorged themselves and had eaten as much of that as they could have and sometimes and then some.

So it was only natural that now Harry felt guilty for abusing his food. Because with the new crowd he rolled with eating was a rare and often dangerous privalege. The people here would take anything and everything, sort of like Padma Patil, but with tattoos, weapons and a surly demeanor.

"Tell me about yourself." Spiders told Harry.

"Okay where to begin," Harry needed a moment to think and so he threw her off for a second to come up with a good lie, but right as he was about to open his mouth there but guess who showed up was Draco Malfoy, skulking about!  
"For starters, I HATE Draco! " Harry yelled, he didn't care who heard him. Draco hadn't noticed him until then and stopped dead in his tracks. He was drawfed by all the tall, muscular inmates of the bad side of the plane and he was only twelve and small for his age.

Harry didn't care, he kept on, he said, "Draco is awful. Nobody likes him not even himself!" Harry felt the thrill of an acid tounge and briefly wished the sorting hat had put him in Slytherin during his firts year so he could have properly excercised it. But the Gryfindors didn't go in on each other like that so he didn't have much pracitce as shit talking. But it didn't seem to matter as Draco was obvioulsy not even in the mood for their usual back and forth. Despite himself, Harry was so stunned by this irregularity that he was almost even tempted to ask Draco if he was feeling quite himself?

Draco pretended he had not even heard Harry. Harry blushed a fierce shade of scarlet, the worst a man can get. Instead of getting into a fight with Harry Draco just kept doing what he was going to do and asked someone about what they knew when it came to magic perception, the artifacts of the dead.

A hush fell. It was a strict Taboo not to talk about the afterlife because of all of it's occult machinations and dangers… and from so young a soul none the less…

Because of his rash words in the face of adversity all of the fringe element were much more inclined to be empathetic to Draco over Harry, especially when they heard of his extraordinary gift.

A thin waif of a goth, spaghetti noodle ankle tight black jeans and Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie on rushed past Harry to go talk to Draco. It was just like the time he and the Golden Trio had slain Voldemort at the very outskirts of time and the girls ahd gotten all the credit. Harry tried to roll his eyes at Spiders, so at least she could share in his obvious exasperation with this junior upstart but she too was in rapt attention to what Draco was saying.

"I thought you were different!" Harry wailed, and ran streaming from the room, tears reaching down his face to the floor in a trail of sorrow that ran ever after him. Spiders didn't even notice him though, Draco had told her that he could tell that she felt impressed by his power and wanted to know what was in store for her in her upcoming school year.

Draco hardly needed his pyschic ability to inform Spiders about Hogwarts since it was where he was headed off to as well, so he told her all about it. At first he told her about all the different houses, and his favorite house, Slytherin most of all. Spiders sat in rapt attention, smoking a clove every now and then when the urge struck her. Draco went on and on, he told her about the school's owlery, and how you could use the owls at the school if you didn't have one of your own. But then his reminiscencions took a turn for the darker. In fits and starts he told her about the sad side of Hogwats, the parts they didn't tell you about on the website and the things they didn't include in the pamphlets and brocures you got in the mail.

Draco worried a little bit about putting her off of her ease by being so dark but to his grim fancy she seemed to be taking well to it so he continued to talk about sad things. He told her about moaning myrtle.

"Wow," Spiders responded, "Myrtle sounds like a hero right."

"Yeah, I know," Malfoy agreed. He told her some other sad things to like how Kraug got paralyzed and the way Susan Bones went missing. He couldn't tell her everything, of course...

"Well… he said, there's Nearly Headless Nick! Oh and the lake,right? It has a giant squid in it!" He got really excited since he was only twelve and still just a little boy, but Spiders found his youthfull exuberance was a welcome counter balance to the usual post apathetic malaise that surrounded her and so she smiled.

"It sounds like a wonderful place, really it does," she told him she was excited to go to Hogwarts this year too.

Meanwhile, after the Velociraptors had begun their attack on the town that Saturnalia and Hermione live in.

Hermione ran from the store room into the open front yard. The town had caught a foul wind on the horizon, word of the dinosaurs plot to erradicate them and take back the planet and so they had armed themselves to the teeth and were ready to fight one by one till the last one died.

Hermione could tell that as far as anyone was concerned this was finally going to end, once and for all, "It's about time!" One man in the crowd yelled out.

"That's right," agreed apothocary Longbottom. He was leading the mob. He raised his weapon above his head, "ever since that old fool Albus concocted that damnable serum these magical monsters have haunted our peaceful village once and for all!" He took a pause to catch his breath, such was his magnatism that no one mistook it for the end of his speech and waited patiently, "well, I say, give em death! If they want to kill? Death! If they want our lands? Death! Maybe they just want a place to live and grow, you might say, well, I say, Give. Them. Death!"

The crowd roared so loud the tree tops swayed to their fury. A stray cloud detached from its retinue to the north east and briefly scoured across the face of the moon causing the night to momentarily loose its luster and luminosity. When the light returned to greet the villagers was the sight of all of the velociraptors, they had ridden in on the wings of a storm and the torrential winds and rains raged and howled about them as they aprroached, ripping up great furrows of earth.

Could the terrified humans have seen well enough in the dark they would have been even further terrified to learn that the velociprators weren't walking as first assumed but levitating above the ground a thorough 6 or 7 inches from the earth. They glided through the mists of the storm they had summoned and came to meet the villagers and introduce them to their deaths.

What seems like ages ago, an eccentric old man had tried to concoct a magic potion in a dimension that didn't have so much as a speck of magic. The old man's name was Albus and he had almost succeded, but the one thing that Albus didn't know was that he had gotten his potion wrong and instead of creating magic… well…

The velociraptors reached the first line of the villagers and began to intensify their assualt. Up until that point that had just been trying to scare and dispirit the humans with the fierce magical storm they had called down but now it was time to get down to business. Their leader, Red Claw, took the first life. A small farm hand, skinny for his age and barely a man grown, he was cut down by Red Claw's infamous toe nail. His intestines and guts spilled from his stomach in a welter of gore and viscera until there was nothing left inside him at all.

The towns people were disheartned by such a poor start to their fight but soon they picked it back up and began to deal some damage right back to the beasts that assailed them so.

"We just want to live in peace and why are you doing this!" Cried out Saturnalia, hoping to end the madness. Her twin sister Hermione, with her unatural Golden colored hair (in this dimension every one has green colored hair) was right there with her, side to side, arms clapsed. They had forgiven each other in the face of their mutual destruction.

The Raptors paid her no mind and conitued to slash and bite, to tear and maim. One man was killed when Red Claw sliced his stomach open with his vicious curving fore leg claw. Another fell, intestines streaming to ground to die beside his fallen comrade. Saturnalia stamped her feet on the muddy blood slicked earth in utter exasperation. It was obvious that no one here was willing to act rational or even think about what they did before they did it.

As all twins have a special bond, Hermione and Saturnalia also shared a mysterious link. They didn't really have a word for it, because they didn't think about it in that way, the way of reasoning and labels, but they more felt… felt that they would always be connected, and sometimes, their thoughts were. This was one of those times. Hermione could tell that Saturnalia was feeeling utterly unaprecciated and ignored and she slipped down from her war horse to slid a comforting hand up the small of her forlorn twin's back. Without a word of preamble they locked eyes, winking, "lets!" they said in unison, and the two ran. They ran far away from the blood and the crying, they ran to a new land world, a world where they could be free, a world

apart.


	35. The Return To Hogwarts Part Five

Shae Mcphae slouched under the flickering, singular lihgt post outside of Wastwar Nevada, a fedora cocked on his head at a fashionable slant, e-cig planted firmly in his plump lips. He leaned against the light post and vaped, watching the motorists passing through, those unforntates that were about to witness the bleakness of Wastwar for themselves, if even only for a little while. Westwar was a small town, it's only claim to fame it's proximity to the Grand Canyon. There were no cool bars or open mic nights in Westwar, there were no itellectuals, no cyber cafe's where one would hone one's intellect and network all at a time.

Shae was a free thinker. Westwar didn't like free thinkers and so Shae did his best to spend as much time as possible outside of city limits. He would pretend, if only for the space of an afternoon, he was free of the vile little burg that had spat him out. He had never asked to be born, and he had certainly never asked to be born amidst a dirge of cretins and small minds. But that was the short straw that fate drew for him on the day he came into the world. The day he came into Westwar.

He fantasized about escape, to Seatle maybe, or Montreal. Instead of making money he made plans. Self agrandizing fantasies cosplaying as plans at least.

His brain was full to bursting with schemes and plots but his bank account was just as barren as his head was full. And anyways, he didn't even know how to get to Seatle from Nevada yet becacuse he'd never even been. For all he knew Seatle was nothing but a dream. A beautiful, alluring, dream.

But little did he know his life was about to get a whole lot more interesting. There on the horizon, he could make out an approaching figure. She strode forward, coming from somehwere out in the desert, not the ill kept road. Even from the distance, and it was far further than he realized, he could tell she was beautifull. Beautiful but wrong, somehow, as though her figure didn't cut against the light blue sky in the way it should have.

Shae reloaded his e-cig so he could vape an especially impressive cloud when the girl was finally in range, checked his hat to ensure it had kept its jaunty angle, made sure his fly was up.

The mysterious girl continued to approach, but just then he was able to make out something strange at her side. Travelling alongside her appeared to be a tiny version of herself. Their identical mops of brown hair bounced with each step they took and Shae at first assumed that the biggest figure was average size and the other was a dwarf or possibly spider monkey with a lot of makeup and a wig on.

Males think of sex once every 29 seconds and the strange women were a good 10 minutes walk away still. So byh the time that they had arrived Shae had, with only a corner of his mind, barely aware he was doing it, imagined up several lewd scenarios involving apes dressed as people. When Giga Granger and Hermione Lion Heart finally came within casual shouting distance and Giga sallied forth a , "well hey there," as she passed, Shae had been distracted by thinking of an orangutan dressed like April O'Neil from the Tennage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all the dirty things he was doing to do to it. Because of all that he was startled when Giga Granger said hello.

Shae shouted in surprise and fell back on his tuckus. A beast made of light emerged from his chest with a resounding roar, it looked like the first gen pokemon Electabuzz but was made out a foggy ethereal material not unlike mist, but magically concentrated and concatenated. It looked a lot like a patronus, Hermione noted with circumspect dispassion...

Giga Granger curled into a defensive postion, being a composite being, swarm like, she was able to shape shift and she formed into a perfect sphere, for protection, like a turtle. But the time child was no pussy. She ran up to light-creature and sent it a rousing blow on the chin, just like she had done to Voldemort, ages ago. But that had been a different life time, and she was so much older now, at least she felt that way. Her heart had been broken, mended and torn resunder so many times that she had lines of care etched on her rosy young contenance.

The light-being disaperaed with a faint "bubububububuuuu" noise. That's when Shae regained his feet. The LightTabuzz, as he thought of it, had always been around to protect Shae when he needed it or, in this case and mayn others actually, when he just thourgh he needed it. He was no in real danger.

After everything had been straightned up Shae agreed to show the girls into town. Once he was sure that they didn't want to kill him and wear the skin of his face as some sort of grotesque sexual role play he figured it wasn't a big deal to go back into that horrid little town one more time if only to show his new friends around. But the TIME Child had ulterior motives, she didn't jsut only want to get out of the desert, she wanted to find out more about this mysterious charming boy and his odd patronus?

All round town she could barely take his eyes of of him. He walked without the usual swagger that she felt suffocated by at Hogwarts, but instead with a clipped, urgent pace. She became entranced by his gait and was seriously aroused. But she decided that just had to wait for later.

"Nice light beast back there," she said, casually, looking at him uder her slited eyelids. He didn't seem off put and she relaxed a little, but not a lot.

"Oh, sure, that, that's nothing," Shae said, and blew a vape electabuzz of blueberry and chai latte flavored vapor, but without the nicotine, Shae was no stupid junky or anything.

"...god damn," Hermione sighed, she couldn't believe the skill with which he manipulated that strange sweet fragrance and assumed he was a wizard of the highest order, woo-ing her with his scented unctions and smoking – powders,. England had passed a law banning vapor smoking and vapor products so she had not even seen the kind of 'rig' which Shae sublty flaunted.

The time child desperatly wanted to connect with Shae on a more personal level when Mecha Granger 20-30 reminded her that they were very much late for the plane ride back to Hogwarts. The combat droid didn't have to also mention Giga Grangers unusal size which would not commode her to a wqir travel well. No plane was big enough, and they all knew it, but the farce must go on...

After a light meal at the local subway Shae went back to his parents house and Hermione and Giga Granger and their mechanical pal, Mecha Granger 20-30, wound their way lazily down the near empty streets of Westwar. The sun was sinking and with it's passing so past the citizens of the sleepy little midwestern hamlet, early to bed, early to rise, was the word of the rule around here. But the Hermione Squad 3 were new to town and they didn't have to get up early to milk cows and tend to chickens like this insignificence muggle hicks, or like Saturnalia and her destitute twin with bizare hair,6 Hermione. Giga Granger was especially tall, and when Mecha Granger 20-30 mentioned in passing a graffiti strewn brick pizzaria her fondness for Banksy, the immemorable british street artist and graffiti provacatuer exteme. That's when Giga Granger decided a plan.

She was so tall she could reach up to the talled building in Westwar, the local hotel, which was hemmed in all both sides by a church and it's accomapnieng grave yard so the hotel had not been able to expand outwards. It wasn't like they could dig up a bunch of corpses or burn down a church so the hotel had neccesarily been small on the horizontal scale. But what it lacked for in shoulder room it made up for in head space in spades because it was so tall.

Giga Granger sprayed an intricately seriffed and stylized -'`*`'`*`HERMSQUAD3'`'`*** on the south facing side of the 11 story structure that drafted the quaint little down and could be seen for miles around. Hermione Lion Hearted felt a tear gusting out of her corners and blinked that away from her eyes. This was a really special moment and she was so glad to share it with her newest best friend and her oldest best friend, "I guess we really are, aren't we?" She decided for them as they strolled into the hotel to check in for the night, "I guess we really are..."

Quarter past three a sharp crack sounds in Shae's small apartment. He slouches up only half alert at first. Going through the motions. But by the time his feet hit the floor his all the way awake and well on his way to pissed. He needed sleep, not an inopurtine ass whooping that would be warranted when some fooldhardy dumbstroke broke his window. But all that turned to ashes in his mouth when he saw who was waiting for him on his front lawn..

Anyways, the three Hermiones sure had along night a head of them, with their desperate need to book a some sort of transport back to their beloved school... before it was too late. They also had to catch the train before they missed that as well. Everyone in the tight, yet tall room knew that if they missed the train then ever it would be too late to get there in any sort of time. Hermione reflected on her many journeys through time through her "Time Child" persona and didn't talk much, focused on eating, chips with guacamole dip and drinking a cold diet pepsi cherry. Mecha Granger 20-30 told Giga Granger about how Kraug became paralyzed.

But in the meantime, they watched, and they waited. They also, like their mysterious new friend, made plans. Here follows one such;

Mecha Granger 20-30, with her precise mechanical logic decided the best way to get back would be either to call the plane and see if they can still swing by and pick them up or have Giga Granger, with her tremendously long legs, stride brazenly across the ocean all the way back to their stormy little home island of fog and vapors. It was an ill humored choice, but one they mustn't ignore. Eventually they decided to just text the pilot and then crash and see if they thought of something better the next day. They didn't really feel like paying for the hotel, as long and gangly as it was, so they hadn't gone up to the clerk yet and paid nad decided it was best that they vacate the room as soon as possible so they could dip on the fly, UK style...

Giga Granger didn't know exactly what the tastes of her new firneds were and wanted to be accepted so she was careful to be obseint and sychophantic as possible. That was why the Time Child didn't point out what a terrible idea that Mecha Granger had had. The girl with the lion's heart was easily persuaded, as if pushed down a diagonal hallway of her distant home dimension in which the paralyzed sneak dissing traitor Kraug had conquered the world with magic because of an unusual altercation with time.

So that's why Giga Granger, Hermione Lion Hearted and Mecha Granger 20-30 didn't find out about Shae's amazing night until the very next morning when he spilled the beans over kippers and smoked bacon, bits of tangerine and grape fruit splayed about the tackily bespoke table for all.


	36. The Return To Hogwarts Part Six

Shae killed himself the following morning so after the funeral, at which they were the only two atendees, and one of them some sort of god damn robot at that, Hermione the girl with the Lion's Heart as well as Mecha Granger 20-30 were just about ready to get ahead out of America. "What an absolutely horrible country," one of them said.  
"Yes," said the other, "let me tell you a story," and that's how they came to be be running across the ocean in their idiotically desperate attempt to get back to school in time and not be expelled forever for being late for the train. But meanwhile... on the plane...

Draco figured it was just about time to stop hanging out with all of those obnoxious gothic people, except Spiders, he guessed, she was pretty darn cool... and oddly familiar... Anyway, he decided it was just about time to go ahead and figure out all of those crazy things that Pansy Parkinsons, his darkbride and lover, though he was only a boy of twelve and not yet a man grown so he didn't really know what a lover really meant, was up to. "Just what has that rascally girl been up to in my fecksome absence?" he wondered aloud.  
He had meant to speak out loud only to himself, but little did he know he was actually still sitting in the same seat he had been sitting in earlier and that mysteriously familiar girl, Spiders, was right next to him. "I hate Pansy," Spiders said, with a casual flick of her marijuana cigarette, "she thinks she's totally hardcore but she is such a closet prep" Spiders was seven feet tall and had dyed black hair like a spider.  
Draco began cutting himself because he was gothic now that all of his friends had gotten him into Gvcci Hvcci and other popular gothic muscial recording artists. He just did not know what to do so he said the following,  
"I guess she is, she is such a bitch and i hate her, let's go and ambush her with wild accusations about her infedility towards me which are as far as I know completely ungrounded but maybe we can manage to confuse her enough to break up with me and then I can be single and yet still a coward."  
Spiders was completely impressed by his emotional honesty. She had grown up in a prep household and did not know what it was like to be truely hated with all the passion of asmodeus at the disposal of an angsty teen. That is why she began to see Draco as a viable lover, even though he was only a small boy of twelve. 'We will grow close to one another emotionally and I, like the arachnids of my namesake, will bide my time in the midst of a dark web of deception and despair and then when he is ready we will finally try anal.' So Spiders agreed to go along with Draco on his foolhardy charade even though she had not even met Pansy and had no idea why he felt so bitterly in his frustrated passions. She began weeping in earnest, utterly confused.  
Draco had no idea what was even happening anymore and he also became hopelessly confused so that's why he started sobbing as well. They held each other as the giant mechanical plane they rode above the ocean juddered and bucked under the weight of their adolescent fury. 


	37. The Return To Hogwarts Part Seven

As Harry wandered his way aimlessly through row after row of unfamiliar face, listening to People Are People by Depeche Mode on his headphones, his thoughts kept jumping to spiders. Everywhere he went, he saw Spiders. In the smiling faces of children and full busts of women he saw Spiders, and all the spiders that were always crawling all over her, her pets and life companions, he thought there were eight but it always seemed like more. Kraug lay in bed, paralyzed and bored.

But Harry couldn't afford to think about that now, 'stay focused Harry old chap, it's just like pee pop always said, If trouble comes a'knockin' then get the show on the road' or something like that...' Harry zoned out and forgot to keep walking for a wihle so he just stood in the aisle of the plane.

The entire time that Harry stood mostly motionless and insensate The HermSquad3 had other plans, and they didn't involve planes. Hermione lion hearted, Mecha Granger 2030, the futuristic battle droid, and Giga Granger, all ran along underneath the clouds on their widnswept trip back to Hogwarts so they can catch the train.

"It looks like there's no room in our plans for planes!" Hermione the girl with the Lion's Heart exclaimed. Giga Granger and MG23 chuckled, and they all ran on. "I feel like I could have delivered that better," The Lion Girl admitted eventually, this was met with awkward silence, Giga Granger began to scratch her massive wrist. "But there's a good joke in there about how we aren't PLANNING on taking the PLANE, or, shit, like we don't have PLANES in our PLANS I meant..."  
Mecha Granger 20 30 clapped Hermione on the shoulder consolingly, "just let it go"

A ll the time that Harry stood staring vacantly while standing still allowed Spiders to catch up with him. "Hey kid," she said, clapping him on the shoulder and offering a cigarette for him. Harry merely stared at the seven foot tall girl... He thought she had been dating Draco, whiling her time for his maturity to come upon him so they could try anal, not single, but she sure was acting single. Spiders wore all black shoes and pants, with her lips and hair black as well. She also wore a black t-shirt with SINGLX AND RXADY TO MINGLX on it in gothic looking type because she is goth. She smoked and looked at Harry like some mysterious dark night, tempting him into the unkown. That's when Saturnalia finally realized the truth about Harry Potter... That's right, the green haired girl, with her faceless twin sister Hermione, Saturnalia, this girl who has confounded the very laws of continuity was only dreaming up Harry Potter in the first place. The world of magic and wonder was merely an escape from the brutal realities of her impoverished life. That's when they finally knew


	38. You can never go back home

As they continued their arduos journey back to Hogwarts the HermSquad3 (consisting of Hermione the girl with the lion's heart, Mecha Granger 20-30, and Giga Granger) whilled away the time by having a conversatoin. It was going well until...  
"i dont need to hear about your stupid day," Hermione, the girl with the lion's heart exclaimed.  
"well that was just rude of you," Mecha Granger responded, "you asked."

Hermione Lion Heart took a good long look at her life and the things she was doing to it with drugs and alcohol, she decided 'today is the day, i'm finally going to go to an NA meeting and get my life straightened out, but not my hair, my hair at least i like it when it is curly' but she did not say that out loud, that was just for her and her brain to think about between the two of them, what she said out lout was "i'm sorry, i am in a bad mood because last night i was out in the rain for a long time and didn't towell off properly when i came back inside and so i got my period"  
Mecha Granger found such biological functions unnecesary and disgusting, "I know, you've been talking about your period all god damn day, but don't worry about it, your bloody ass hole is a constant source of awe and inspiration to me and i just can't wait until we get back to Hogwarts so i can find my pens and paper and go and write down all the wonderful things you have told me about your bloodcrusted nethers while we walk through this stupid ocean because someone was too cheap to buy plane tickets and someone else is too gigantic to even fit on a plane anyway so here we are"

Giga Granger, being a walooping eighty feet high was all but certain that that last section of the insult was in reference to her, and the fact that she couldn't fit onto a plane because she is too gigantic. The world sure is a crazy place. 'If only i wasn't a combination of literally thousands of Hermione's from all over the existo-sphere and was instead just one simple little girl like my friends then i could have fit onto the plane and my two best friends would not be so cross because they would be well rested on top of a plane instead of having to swim all the way across the atlantic ocean so they can get home.' That's when she had a crazy idea.

"Hey guys," Giga Granger said, "how about since I am so tall and just able to walk through the ocean you guys could ride in my hand or on top of my head or shoulders and you wouldn't have to swim for literally thousands of miles all the way home."

 **MEANWHILE** WHEN YOU LEFT I LOST A PART OF MY IS THAT SO HARD TO BELIEVE? COME BACK BABY BECAUSE WE BELONG TOGETHER

Harry just did not know what to do. Basically he forgot what he had been doing in the last chapter so now he is sitting next to Ron and Padma and introducing them to his new girlfriend, Spiders. "Hey Ron and Padma, this is my new girlfriend, Spiders," Harry said.

Padma narrowed her eyes with suspicion, "we've met-I don't want to talk about it!" She got up from her seat and ran away. Ron had no idea what was going on.

"What do you lot figure that was all about?" He inquired. Harry and Spiders shrugged helplessly. "I don't know fam," Harry replied, "but you had better go and get her so she doesn't get lost on this gigantic plane." Harry had just recently discovered how large the plane really was, because he had been walking all around it all that weekend, but he is back where he belonged now. He spent about all day listening to music. "Spiders, let's take our relationship to the next level, I know you have been whilling away your time, just like the spiders of your namesake, waiting for me to come of age so we can try anal, but guess what i just realized i am already of age ever since that mysertious and msyteriously familiar woman at that McDonalds gave me a beej so we can do that now i guess."

"That will probobly pad out the rest of the chapter nicely," Spiders agreed. She began to spit all over herself to lube herself up. She had no idea what she was doing at all.

Harry chuckled at this retarded display with sensitivity and understanding, "i am not going to put my penis all over your body, you stupid girl, i am going to put inside of you hoohoo so that is the only place you need worry about lubricating with your disgusting saliva.

Spiders thought that she had finally met someone who understood her, but it looks like she is wrong. "I'm not spitting all over my own body so that you can penetrate me anally, i'm spitting all over myself because I am punk rock now and that's what punks do." She got up and ran away, tears streaming freely, what would she do no?


	39. but you can go somewhere else

After Spiders had thoroughly spat all over herself she went to find a new seat on the plane and a new way of life with new associations because she is punx. Walking around covered in saliva was exhilirating for her, Kraug remained helpless and paralyzed, so paralyed that she couldn't even ride on the plane because how could she get to it? Sort of like The HermsquaD 3 who also, for various reasons, couldn't cath the plane back to Hogwarts. It seemed like Hermione, the girl with hte lion's neart, Mecha Granger 20-30, the futuristic battle droid, and their new firend, Giga Granger, who could not fit on the plane. But sometimes appearances can be deceitful.

Since Giga Granger coiuld not fit on the plane the other two Hermiones had to swin all the way to britain, but itwas lucky for them that Giga Granger was so gigantic that she could carry them instead of them swiming all the way, which is very far indeed. Kraug was still paralyzed so there were only two other Hermione's around and they easily fit into Giga Granger's gigantic composite hands. At first Hermione, the girl with the lion's heart, found it unsettling to be held and caressed by hundreds of versions of herself, which is what Giga Granger's hands, and indeed her whole being right down to the fueding white and red blood cell squads, were made of. It was a strange experience to be sitting on her own face and body, literally hundreds of Hermiones comrpised one simple finger and it caused Hermione The Time Child to squirm with unacostumed disgust at the strange proximity to herself. She had never sat on her own face before, but that all changed when she did sit on her own face, unwittingly suffocating Left Index Finger Hermione 27 with her plump and lucious rear end. Hermione Lion Heart was so discomfited to be travelling in such a way that she had to put herself into a sort of trance state, and as such she did not notice the desperate gurlging and death struggles of the poor Hermione who's life she was burglaring. Left Index Finger Hermione 27 eventually died and was shucked off by her uncaring compsite anti-self, to be sluiced into the grimy deeps like some low budget dvd. Luckily for the Time Child she was too stupid to be disturbed for long and forgot where she was. But that doesn't matter, nothing matters anymore.

While Giga Granger strode magestically through the ocean she listened to some MP3's on her cellphone. One of the MP3's was a new track uploaded by Spiders And The PyschoFuxxx, Spiders's new band. Giga Granger wasn't punx though, just a poser, so she didn't "get it" and she didn't listen to it for long, though had she the temerity to "see" the song through to it's gut wrenching ending she would have been very surprised indeed at all the mysteries it implied, just how many Hermione's are there? Giga Granger had thought that she was the only Hermione ever, that is until she met Hermione and Mecha Granger 20-30, that's when she realized she wasn't alone after all.

Saturnalia and Hermione were camping out by the loading dock of the Hogwarts express, they had finally crossed over into the realm of dreams, the exact realm which Saturnalia had created out of her impoverished desperation, so now they can go to Hogwarts and do magic. While they waited they camped out because they were very early for the train and did not want to just lie on the ground like a bunch of idiots. They kept alternating watches and while Hermione, Satrunalia's deformed twin sister, was on the lookout Saturnalia slept during the day, she slept... and she also dreamed... that Spiders formed a band.

In Saturnalia's dream Spiders sang over the music proudced by her band, there was Sticky Lem on bass guitar, Milda Muttonrot on rhytym guitar and also Neville Longbottom played the drums, but he died when he overdosed, so the band had a corpse on drums, which they all agreed was "pretty fuckin' punk rock" so they did not replace him and at all of their shows he continued to decompose, never once "hittin' the skins." It gave their live shows a sense of urgency and as generally exciting for everyone, too bad Kraug could not be there becuase she died of paralysis. Everyone dies, remember?

Ron had been a fan of Punk Rock Music every since he was a teen and he went to see all their shows. He thought they were just awful but Punk has a certain energy that is infectious when played live so he enjoyed himself anyway. He brought his GF padma along with him and noticed something odd when he introduced her to the lead singer, Spiders. Padma had earlier claimed to have met the mysterious punkrockgirl and did not seem too pleased about it. But for some crazy reasons she acted much different that day and when introduced to Spiders she was genuinely interested in "Getting to know her" better, which is at odds with her previous behaviour. Ron had no idea what to do.

Neither did Spiders for that matter. The Psychofuxxx had been offered a recording deal with a major record label after their 22nd show (22 being significant as the amount of letters in the hebrew alphabet, with which g-d created the universe from nothing). Milda and Sticky were both very excited about getting "signed" to the label because then they could be rich, but Spiders wasn't so sure it would be easy as all that. Indeed, it was not. In order to finalize the contract they had to each sign their names onto a piece of paper, which would then be converted into a deal between them and the record label. The deal was that the label would give them lots of money instead of no money at all, but to get that money Nevile would have to sign his name too, but how can such a thing be accomplished by a corpse?


	40. The Return To Hogwarts Part nine

There was no way that Luna Lovegood could lift all of those heavy weights by herself. That's why she decided to go ask her "bf" Padma for hlep. Luna's blonde curls bounced as she walked inquirlingly up to to Padma who's hair was black, like a raven's and who as usual was draped all over Ronald Weasley. Ron said "hey" and Luna nodded bierfly to him for a moment before letting loose with, "Padma, please help me with a ponderous task!"  
Padma whoosed her hair out of her face disdainfully and glared at Luna with open hatred. Padma always wore her hair that way, straight down and completely covering her face. She had started to wear her hair over her face around the time her twin sister died and she liked to wear it that way about every other day since. "You racist, can't you tell two Indian-Americans apart? I'm Pavarti not Padma"  
Luna had no idea what was going on, but people call her dad a racist all the time. "that doesn't make sense since Parvati died last summer, didn't she?" Said Luna.  
That's when Parvati knew she'd made a terrible mistake, but there was still a way, she had to play her cards right now. "I said Padma, not Pavarti, you said Parvati.  
Luna had to think about that one, "no you didn't" she said.  
Ron was way out of his league. He was besties with Harry 'the snake' Potter and no other female friends so how was he suppoused ot be prepared for some big menopausal cat fight, thing. He stayed quiet and just sorta grinned like he was listening and decided to ask Harry about it later.  
"No I didn't, I said Padma, you said I said 'Parvati,' but you called yourself that first." Luna finally decided after an indeterminable amount of time had crawled by with the three of them like that.  
"Padma" said, "yes you did. You came up to me rambling about weights and tasks and said you needed my help with something and called me Pavarti."  
"But why call me a racist right off the bat and not be more upset about the fact that i mistook you for your dead twin when doing so would have revealed my ignorance about the death of your sister, Pavarti, and thus named me in the eyes of many a callous and inatentive friend who didn't bond wiht you over your sisters death these last few months the way we done." Luna wanted to know.  
Padma? was momentarily at a loss for words. "Because I deal with racsim every day, it was more upsetting to me and I guess i just forgot about that last part, but it probobly doesn't matter anyway." but Luna wasn't done yet, just pausing for a weirdly long amount of time before continuing, "A-and I'm I called you Padma," she said.  
"Wait you guys,' Said ron, "this is bigger than us." The weighty tone of this dictation created a miasma of forbodance which quelled the fiery passios of the two fueding girls.  
Lunda wanted to continue bickering, because of her passions, but one look at Padma?'s stricken face tickled her brain with multicolored tendrils from heavan and her nose could finally detect the atmosphere of ominous anticipation which she had disrupting just recently.  
"You're right Ron," Padma? slumped onto her bean bag chair. It was a black like her morose passions. "There has been an awful lot of spooky stuff going on here on this plane for a while now," Padma?'s posture was no longer expansive with agression but clenched inward, Luna was certain now that this was no play to distract her from the wild allegations thrust upongst her. She asked "what is going on?"  
"What kinds of spooky stuff?" Luna wanted to know, huddling closer to Ron, who cringed just thinking about it. Luckyily for himm Padma? saved him that trouble. "Well, Remember that weed we were blazing up earlier?" Padma?, with her dark fixations was relishing in the telling, "it's gone!" she finally fininsed.  
Luna gasped stupidly, a tiny sound soon enveloped by the expanse of silence and forgotten. "But," she finally managed, "you mean it's just... gone?" She gaped and blinked, wholely unable to understand this crazy thing.  
"Yea," grunted Ron Weasley, "we searcehd this entire floor and it is nowhere to be found." He had to spit out each word, begruding every slyalbble, so great was his perterbation. Luna stamped a foot. "Thta can't be!" She yelled, unwilling, unable to pierce through the veil of madness and peak with eyes unscaled into this ireal situation.  
Padma? rose to put a consoling hand on the bewildered blondes shoulders but Luna spun 180 about to face her'n Ron with a damning suposition, "But i saw that bud with my own eyes! I smoked it and got high for christ's sake, so where is it!" She thought the others would be swayed by her infalable logic and that it would all just go away, look's like this is a job for Harry Poter!


	41. The Return to Hogwarts Part Ten

16 years after 911, exactly, Ron said, "hey fam, let;s stop stressing ourselves over all of this disaperaing weed business and relax with a nice fresh packed bowl, "he already had his grinder in his freckled hand.

Padma nearly died was how annoyed this made her, "But the weed disapeared, Ron," she said.

But Ron was one step ahead of her, "that's why I'm'a boil us up a stout pot of coffee," the red head explained.

"That will soothe our over taxed nerves," Luna agreed, she and Padma, who had her hair comopletely covering her face, again, as usual becuase she wears her hair like that every other day, tucked in to the best cup of "joe" in the ever. That's how the three best friends kept everyone else on the plane up all night with their chuckles and bickering.

The next morning Luna got up bright and early so she could tell Spider's boyfriend, Harry 'the snake' Potter about the suspected Potergeist, if you will. "Harry! Everyone's weed is disapearing lately! All over the plane!" She wailed in earnest, as Harry bewilderedly wiped sleep from his eyes.

"You can't be serious," Harry grumbled. He was not happy about being woken up so early, he figured plane rides counted as vacations of sorts and reckoned he would catch up on some much needed sleep on the long and arduos flight.

Luna had no idea what was going on, "Not you too!" She exclaimed. She thought that he said Sirius instead of 'serious" and was reminded, brifly, of how Padma had said she'd said Pavarti when she'd said Pavarti. She was so confused that she had to sit down. By the time she did that Harry had realized what was going on, just another mystery solved in a daily span of much confusion. 'I solve cases like these for breakfast' he thought to himself.

"No, I didn't mean like my uncle Sirius Black, who escaped from Azkaban so he could go back to Hogwarts with us and is also on the plane because he also went on the field trip," at this point in Harry's explanation Sirius sat back down in his seat next to Seamus and Finicky Bill-Beaverswallo, he had thought that Luna and Harry were talking shit about him and was going to pounce on them but realized his mistake before he had time to draw his obsidian dagger from its hidden compartment on his inner upper thigh, pointed straight at his flacid penis.

Before anymore mysteries could be solved, however, the plane was hijacked by a sect of extremesit Kraug worshippers from the dimension that Harry acidently created by leaving Kraug with a bunch of cave people and from whence were Hermione the time child and Giga Granger 2030 was from the future of.

"Looks like the case of the disapearing nugs will have to be put on hold," said Harry, cracking his knuckles. Luna broke the end of the vodka bottle off that she had been drinking, she then also cracked her knuckles, ready for a fight, ready for anything.


	42. The Return To Hogwarts Part Eleven

The Terrorists wanted Kraug not to be paralyzed anymore so they were ransoming the very plane itself. Harry had no idea what was going on, and he liked it that way. As 'the boy who lived' he had been world famous among wizards and muggles alike for suriving Voldemort's fell curses. The 'boy who lived' hadn't really done aynthing though, just witnessed his parents murder at the hands of Voldemort. That's why Harry Prefered to be Harry 'the snake' Potter as to the crummy old 'boy who lived' routine. As 'the snake' Harry could slither about in the background, now that the Hermiones had risen to fill the vacuum leftovers of his fame, and solve all the mysteries he liked, so really, being confused was all apart of his plan and he liked it.

As the Kraug worshiping hi-jackers were busying themselves with the Pilot and the Co-Pilot Harry took that opportunity to slither-in to the back section of the plane, it killed him to do it but he sidled alongside up his old nemsesis Draco Malfoy, who was pyschic, so Harry figued he could help out and really figure out what was going on, then it'd be one more mystery to put on his ever-towering 'Solved' pile. Good old sp

Draco had been dozing off as Harry arppoached, and didn't even notice the rival Seeker/ stealer of his post-goth girlfriend, Spiders, walking up to him. Draco had been depressed all week because of his recent 'd been thinking about Spider's warm smiles, and then even more so about the secret shy ones she only saw rarely, those seemed the most precious, as a penis is to a man, an invaluable thing, to be cherished and never parted with for fear of a painful severence. Not even a preternatural attenuation of the subconcious pre-cortral empathy receptors in his adolescent, straight though penis-crazed brain... could soften the blow of a loved one's departure, though Spiders was doing well in her new life, her band were rumored to be in talks with a major record label on the plane, Air Jamz, or Air Traffic ContRock'n'Roll or something like that. Some plane pun...

Spiders, rolling a fresh clove, Spiders ... Draco was only twelve so he didn't know much about dating. Spiders too, well, she had been a real challening one to start off with though. Talk about picking a really eccentric girl as your first girlfriend so you get a skewed view on romantic relationships and worry too much about it and develop a complex or maybe even just the last part, but still, at the end of the day it tallies up to a loss.

Draco wondered what Harry 'the snake' ('more like 'the lake' Potter, Draco immediately thought to himself, but his mouth moved faster than the speed of thought so he had alreayd been saying just 'the snake' when he said, "Hello Harry. What do you want?"

That was when Dumbledore knew he had to act, and act fast! Harry had just called him from the plane, All was well except that now there were religious hijackers on board the plane and they worshiped Kraug Dumbledore had to have Harry refresh his memory on that one and was surpsied to find out that Harry had abonded Kraug to the past in a recalcitrant moment of confused passion. This error then led to the first Witch ever to exist in the alternate timeline where Kraug was around since the dawn of man, and coincndentaly was surrounded by Cave- Muggles. which were even more bovine and malleable than regualar- Muggles. All of the cave people thought that Kraug and her squirtle patronus were gods, so they worhsiped her as one.

"If only there was some way to turn back time and then I could have a shot at not abandoning a socially retarded feral child with a bunch of cave people and then this would never happen," Harry mourned. Dumbledore still wasn't sure what to make of all of this time traveling cave men theory Harry was brandishing about the conversation. 'that doesn't make any sense,' Dumbledore thought, 'because if cave men could time travel they wouldn't be from the past anymore would they? they'd be time-men, i guess', he thought.

But he didn't have anymore time to follow through that tantalizing koan, for he had just realized that the solution to Harry's problem had been under his nose this verytime. The solution was too big to see all at once, that's why it didn't occur to Dumbledore until after he'd hung up on 'the snake' and went to repack his gravity bong. But after he had tucked into a good 'toke' he relaxed enough to see the big 'picture' as it were and he speedily dialed Harry's phone number...

Meanwhile, on the plane,

"Harry Potter speaking," Harry said upon answering his mobilephone. "Who is this I'm spekaing with please," Harry asked in the proper manner, his field trip to the uncouth America's already a foul afterodor of a disturbance upon his mental features, he was forgetting it nicely.

Dumbledore nearly had no idea what was going on, "there isn't time for all that Harry!" Dumbledore shouted through Harry's phone, reaching his ears.

Harry motioned for all the people bustling around him idly, it was 5 pm and a lot of people were finally getting around to going off shift for the evening and didn't care much one way or the other if they walked right on safely past you of bustled and bumped you around like a dimestore pumpkin on it's way to the fairgrounds because they were in a rush, not rude people over all, just busy, and a little ego-centric.

"What is it now old pal" Harry asked.

That's when Dumbledore knew the game was up, "you have to use magic, because you're a Wizard Harry."

"You mean I can use magic because I'm a wizard, Harry," Harry corrected, or at least he thought he did, Dumbledores bushy eyebrows contracted together to form a judgemental white caterpillar abovce his piercing keen eyes, he was sorely displeased it Harry was any judge of faces.

It turns out his is at that, because, "You idiot," Gandalf said, "don't you realize that you have magical capability and that capabilty enables you to eject the Kraug extremesists from the plane any way you choose!" Dumbledore had been cross when he had begun explaining but he had gotten caught up in the moment and that last exclamation point was genuine, he was such a good salesmen... he sold himself!

On his own idea that is, and that idea is that magic doesn't have to know any rules or limitations, he didn't elaborate too-too much on that though, because that rabbit hole leads right up to the path of 'disenchantment with Dumbledore' because he's manipulative. Because really he only ran Hogwarts to put rules and limiations on the magic that Wizards Witches and even Muggles alike were not so much capable but allowed to learn, and that way ensure that no one ever might match his magcial prowress... But , it looks like those days are all over and done with, because here, in his golden years nonethe less, when a man ought to be relaxing, he has found himself with his hands tied and unable to help a dear friend, a friend.. who must be let in on a secret.

And so Dumbledore told Harry everything he knew, that magic wasn't all about Luck Potions, Blast Ended Scroots, and Newspapers with GIFs instead of pictures, but black and white still, but that magic could be used to triumph of fell forces of evil and advance humanity, cure disaese, "and who knows," Dumbledore continued on silkily.


	43. The Return To Hogwarts Part Eleven Part2

AUTHORS NOTE

Hi everyone, E.B. Woodhouse here, Just as a little side note, this was suppoused to be my Halloween story but with scheduling and everything it got pushed back a litte, but hey, like Severus Snape always says, "Better late than never!" So here it is, Harry Potter Versus the Potergeist Part One

...x

After his illuminteng conversation with Albus, Harry the snake Potter summoned a massive broom made of pure magical energy and literaly swept the attackers into the the Atlnatic, like a true briton. That's when he found himself on the heels of yet another cunfonding befgalement, the case of the All Hallows Eve Spirit of the Plane, which was apparantly apparating at will throughout the plane on this mischevious night, a full moon to boot as well, and stealing peoples weed right after they've smoked it, just when their defenses at their lowest, 'you clever, clever, ghost,' Harry mused sourly, but he figured he'd solve this case just as easily as he had dealt with those pesky Kraug blasted hijackers.

"Come on 'the snake"!" Everyone shouted, cheering poor Harry on, Padma took this opportunity to sneak off into the bathroom. Inside the cramped compartment was crouched a spectral image, a pale girl with long black hair, draped completely over her face. Padma gasped and took a quick step back, becaues she was startled.

Pavarti could just barely make out Padma's face through the curtain of her black hair, just enough to tell she had startled her frivoulos twin. "Idiot, I know I look like a girl from a j-horror movie with this hairstyle but we agreed it was for the best remember?" Pavarti nudged," like, you came up with it I'm so "no one can tell you're not me", when I impersonate you that is,"

Padma had no idea what was going on, she felt like the world really was a crazy place sometimes. Pavarti still felt annoyed by her twin sisters absent mindedness, she was the worrier of the two and figured that the others had finally figured out their scheme because of the fiasco with Luna earlier, on the plane. "Anywya," she finaly ventured, "I was just coming to let you know they didn't figure it out just yet, but for safety sake I think I should start wearing my hair over my face as well." Padma said.

Pavarti considered this thoroughly. She nodded and rubbed her chin while she took a while to think about it. She said "I see where you are going with this, Because for me to wear my hair that way was a gaurd against their discovery that I am not you and now more than ever, with everything going on with Saturnalia and Kraug, it's best to keep a low profile and let them not mistake you for me as well."

"Thats right," Padma said, congratulating her clever sister, she had been in on the plan lal along. She began to brush her hair over her face completely, like a raven black curtain of hair. A female beard. "Hey what if we called them 'female beards'"

"Call what female beards?" Pavarti wanted to know.

"The hairstyle," Said Padma, who had now perfected the look and was practicing to walk around with such an inconvienient and bizare hair choice, 'it takes all types though,' she thought, and just went with it. Padma was the chill twin.

Pavarti did not like that idea, "I don't think I want to call them that, I don't know what I wanna call'm or if I want to at all, call them anything that is, so.." She noticed her twin was having a very hard time navigating the cramped bathroom and assumed that it was because this was the first time ever, that Padma wore that hairstyle. "It helps if you tilt your head down and look under your hair curtain, haircurtain by the way what i'd call'm if i did but anywau," Padma was having trouble practicing walking because the bathroom was very cramped and there was only room to take a step and then she was just sort of slowly walking into the wall for a while. Pavarti had it all wrong, her sight was fine, it was her thinking that was dimmed.

Pavarti jsut had to chuckle, "oh sis"

"There isn't a moment to spare, if my calculations are correct that is," said Harry Potter, but for the meantime he needed to go over to that gumball machine and

Hagrid bumbled in drunkenly, "oy there Draco!" He bellowed

Draco was dozing a bit while standing and jumped to his feet, wide awake, "waht;s up Hagrid," he wanted to know.

Hagrid was looking for Padma, "Wheres that Padma," He asked.

But Spiders didn't have time for any of that nonesense, as Hagrid tried unsucessfully to talk to "Padma" who didn't seem to recognize him for some reason Spiders made her way past the gaggle of morons gaping at the snake and wondering about all that dispaering marijuan. Little did she know that the raven haired gilr she saw was actually the not actually dead Pavarti and not Padma, which is why she didnt' recognize her twin's lover...

But Spiders had to get busy getting some more drugs because ran out and was really feinding for some. She had gotten hooked once her star had begun to rise because all the punk rockers do drugs now. Spiders had started taking boogers when she met someone who sold it to her and told her all about the crazy new drug that clogs up your nose and makes it feel like your nose is full of boogers. Luna lovegood jumped out in to the aisle to accost Spiders and she tried-to-hurried-by-her, Luna wanted Spiders to use her credibility and celebrity within the punk rock subculture to help find the Plane Poltergiest but Spiders didn't have time for any of that nonesense,

"Get out of my way!" Spiders yelled at Luna, shoving her away from her, "I need boogers! I got ants all over me and I need some goddamn boogers before I really start freaking out!" She hurried off, "wonder whta that was all about," Luna mused before she rejoined the surge of people as they paired off and started to hunt for the rascsally ghost that had been stealing all of their weed"


	44. The Return To Hogwarts Part Fifteen

Revenge of the Potergeist, PART ONE

Just when Harry had finally thought he had figured everything out and was well on his way to capturing that rascally ghost Luna tapped him on the shoulder, she did not want to pair off with everyone else and go looking for the ghost apprantly, and she said so.

"Harry," she stammered, fat juicy tear-drops globbing down from her eyes to the rest of her face, "I just can't help you go look for that ghost, I just can't!" She fianly managed. She was really freaking out by this point, had slumped against the wall in the extremities of her raging passions and oozed languidly down to the floor to splash down in a puddle of her own tears.

Harry, being detective, figured he just had a pretty good idea what was going on. Luna had been kidnapped by a ghost recently (see chapter 14, Patil's Apocalypse Part 4) and so she was getting a ptsd period because of those ghastly memories (of being kidnapped by Pavarti as a ghost, so that Harry Potter might kill Hermione, the girl with the lion's heart) and her flow was heavy.

Voldemorts death had many far reaching repercusions, especially among his immediate family, his wife, Dracisillyia, had hung herself to be with her foverever-love once more, and his son, Lupid MacArthur-Fiasco Voldemort Jr, vowed a deadly revenge. In order to get revenge on the people who had so callously murdered his father, Lupin Fiasco Senior, or Mac, to his friends, but anyway, with the power of The Time Child's Lion Heart he would be puissent enough to do just about anything. And he speccifically wanted to kill a whole lot of people, especially the people who did that first to his dad.

, but he had managed to get out of all of that crazy business when the school field trip completely and abruptly interupted everything everyone was doing up until that point. Ron and Ginny, especially, were in quite the state at the start of the trip, because before they left that had been facing off one on one against a whole squadron of Werewolves, who for some crazy reason all had tattered bits of Slythering Quiddicth team uniforms on. The werewolves had all been a real hassle to get onto the plane as well, because they are monsters and monsters aren't accustomed to taking vacations. But once they had been convinced thoroguhly by Professor McGonagol, who had been on the scene already before the whole question of air travel came up because she had heard teh dying screams of everyone else on the Griffindor quidicth team except Ron and Ginny, who-at the time she came out there- were back to back, wands drawn, ankle deep in the mangled bits and pieces of their former team mates, a whole score of dead bodies, a whole playing field litered with the corpses of those who would never be caressed sexually in love or lust by the furious siblings, who saw everyone as a potential lover, regardless of both gender and the fact that they were both completely hetero...

"It's okay Luna," Harry reassured the still crying Luna Lovegood, who sobbed at his feet. She put her hand right onto the floor and gasped. "I know all about how you have had a bad experience being kidnapped by a ghost, I was there remember how Pavarti's ghost came up to you and was all like 'ima kill Hermione' and then did all that stuff?" He said.

"No my dog got hit by a car so I can't help everyone look for the ghost that is stealing everyones weed right from under their noses right after they've smoked it because I am too sad about what I said happened to my dog earlier," is exactly what Luna said to Harry Potter.

Harry had no idea what was going on, but he thought it was pretty funny, he laughed right in her face, clapped her on the back and made about to have his way down the aisle so he could go look for the ghost. Luna's plan had worked perfectly.

Too perfectly...


	45. A Return To Hogwarts Christmas Part One

Aurthors note;;

Hey everybody, it's me, E.B. Woodhosue here, looks like history is repeating itself because now my Christmas special is late just like my Halloween special had to get pushed back because of scheduling. But anyway, I decided that ol' Snape is probably right and that things are indeed better late than never, so here what follows is my very special Halloween/Christmas Interlude Special wherein through some japery of time, perhaps the workings of the lion hearted girl known as the time child? perhaps not... both happen. So what are you waiting around here for? Go ahead and get on to it!

A reutrn To Hogwarts Christmas Part One

Luna's rediculous plan had worked perfectly. It seemed like things always happened that way for her now, after her illicit engagments with the darkling spirits of The Night of All Hallows, but she prefered not to think too much about that... She strolled past a group of Hufflepuffs crouching about in a crablike fear stricken panicwalk with large flashlights, they too were looking for the mysetrious spirit of the plane which was apparating about and absconding with everyone's marajuana. It was said the Potergeist struck most frequently right after the herb has been thoroughly smoked and everyone invested in it at their lowest ebb in healthy paranoia. THAT IS WHEN THE SPIRIT STRIKES! had been her headline for her on-plane manufactured daily newspapaer, the Return to Hogwarts Daily, which in necessisty had to be made with all manner of found items and skrimage like that from a murky flood that has recently receded and turned the beach into a swampy junkyard but with things you find on a plane instead of wet garbage. So she made the master copys out of the handily translucent air sick bags, resulting in much consternation to the planes wait staff who were up to their grimy wrists in air sick on the floor.

The air sick bags had a thin enough constitution that her extrasized custom made pen, which she used a spell to craft(AUTHORS NOTE: Hey, it's E.B. Woodhouse here just chimin into let you all know that the spell she had learned to make anything regular sized Pen larger she learned in secret from the Wican cult she had spent her Summer Vacation with, unbeknownst by necessity to many but her bf Padma*see chapter 13 part 2:THE APOCRPHYA OF POTTER), and its near endless font of ink could blead through the bags and make multiple copies at a tjme. Also she used the giant pen because it is easier to write many words with a bigger pen. Luna was no fool. But she had seemed to have fooled fate... for now at least...

She knocked on the bathroom door.

Padma answerd first, "who is it? I'm in the bathroom."

But then another voiced joined in right as Padma hadn't even finished saying 'in' saying "Get out of here I'm busy!," then in a slightly but not enough lower aside "I think that fooled them Pad," Luna leaned forward entranced by all the confusion that seeped into her woe begotten adolescent brain. She still longed for the day she could turn 18 and finally trim away her pubic hair to find her womansparts for the very fist time, and then get a good and thorough dicking, but anways that slightly more quiet but not quiet neough aside seemed to have really caught a bee in Padma's bonnet as far as Luna could tell because she stamped her foot and hissed loudly, just like she always did when she was suddenly frustrated, Luna could imagine Padma's silky hands on her hips and even the face she would make when she stood like that...

That's when Padma said, "Goddamnit Pavarti _be quie_ t or they'll know we'er both in here you idiot, _you're_ still supposed to be dead, remember!" Luna's eyes widened, the pupil suroundd by pale-blue contraced, / _ **what was this all about?**_ / she leaned even closer to the door to hear it better.

"Oh shit Padma, my bad." the other voice said, and it sounded strangely famliar...

There was an exasperated sigh and then Padma said, "Don't worry about it _Parvaronni_ , I got this," Padma began to cough loudly for a while and said again, "Who's there , I'm in the bathroom?"

"It's okay Padma, It is just me Luna everyone is out looking for the ghost of the plane so we can talk about our evil schemes and darkling passions without fear of being discovered," Luna managed, she was at a complete loss for words because of all of her confusion. _Had_ she really heard two different... yet oddly _familiar_ voices just then? _Had_ she really heard Padma invoke the sacred name of her deadtwin Pavarti, Luna only knew about that one through Draco's empathy powers which he had also picked up over spring break. Luna and Draco had begun dating in secret, no one could ever know about them being together because no one could ever find out about their dabblings in the dark-crafts of sorcery and magic. They bonded over their outcastedness the way she had once bonded with Padma, but that was before they had become involved in all manner of crazy schemes... of slander and ghosts and murder and vengeance.

Until all this business with the Specter of the Plane Luna had forgotten all about how just before the field trip had started she had pretended to be kidnapped by Pavartis ghost and figured Padma had as well because of all the stuff that was going on. But that was all just a kids game back then, she reminded herself fiercely. It didn't seem like such a game now though, that she had had the summer to think it over because in fact her feet began to feel icy tendrils of winter whenever she thought of the ghoulish repercusions of their otherwise innocuous prank. Padma had finally convinced Luna to go along with the convoluted scheme eventually by telling her to 'just go along with it' and that it would 'be funny'.

So Luna had allowed herself to be tangled up the darkling web of Padma's frustrated and woe begrieved adolescenct descent. Padma slipped out of the bathroom quickly and snapped the door shut behind her. Luna was incredibly anal about always closing doors, any kind, refridgerator, microwave you name it she'll close it good and thorough because if there's one thing Luna Lovegood doesn't love good at all it's a poorly closed door, all drafty and ajar, just the thought makes her shiver with revulsion. So that's why Luna always notices whether or not people shut doors properly after using them and couldn't help but find it odd that Padma, normally a lackadaisical door shutter at best so effieciently and thoroughly closed up the bathroom door. But she didn't have time to think about all of that because here came up Draco right behind her.

"Draco my love!" She cried out loud, her voice reverberating on the wings of love and rebounding upon the echoing plane. Then he was upon her, hugging her all over, he was but a boy of twelve, but tall for his age and Luna was short so they were about the same height. They stared into each others eyes for a full minute before saying anything at all. They had made a pact to learn sorcery over summer vacation and to go their own ways she to the Wicans, he to Cassadaga, to later redoublel their learnings into a hybrid being consumated by their love. So they hadn't seen each other all summer and needed more than anyhting just then a good long look.

Luna began to tell Draco all about the things she had been doing and how much she missed him and he did the same right back. They had both completely forgoten the secrecity part of their pact and were openly in love with one another without noitcing that the section of the plane they were crowded around so recently with Padma who had dashed deftly back into the can was thoroughly thronged with people all teamed and geared up to track down the All Hallows Eve Apparating Spirit. Draco was telling Luna about how in Florida a lot of the men wore dark colored slacks and he wondered if their penises didn't glow or not and maybe that's why their pants are so thick and dark? To mask their luminescence?" Draco was saying until Luna's cell phone interupted him.

The ringer blared and she cut him off with one well manicured finger demurely, "Hold on a second babe," she had to practically shout to be heard over her ringtone,"one of my friends from Wica is calling me," she explained before answering the phone. But Draco was just fine with that, he had waited all summer hadn't he? he could wait some more, he found the waiting, the anticipation only intensified her beauty. But what he didn't know until his Empathic power informed him was that that was not just fine with everyone else. He suddenly realized he was surrounded by people and one of them, Sirius Black of all people, that dratted 'The Snake's' uncle, had cocked his head at what Luna had said and stood to listen. Sirius was old enough to remember Madona's new-age album cycle and was thus vaugely familiar with the terminology.

Luna prattled on some more about vauge and general things and Sirius almost lost his attention on her, strained as it was with being pre-occupied by the hunt for that damn ghost that kept stealing all of his pot, but then she said some more stuff about Wica and how fun it was learning magic from all of the Wica people she had met, Sirius jumped to his feet, a blazing finger of accusation burning upon the hapless blonde haired girl.

"Witch! Luna's a Witch!" He screamed, it felt good to be on the giving end of irrational mob hatred instead of on the receiving end so he screamed and yelled until a crowd began to gather and it didn't take long for the connections to be made

1\. Luna was a self described Wica Cult member

2\. She claimed to have learned some sort of magical sorcery from them over the summer

and 3. If a things go wrong with peoples crops, who was always to blame in the olden days?

and so

THE WITCH, they shouted

LUNA THE WITCH, and they mobbed about her about to carry her and her demoniac boyfriend with them. It was THE WITCH what stole all of their weed, turned the healthy buds to invisible ashes with her evil nectars and ungents. And on the night of the Hallows nonetheless, it all added up, the numbers were all their 1 2 3.

Luna kicked and screamd and struggled but the many hands which gripped her held fast. She always knew it would come to this, and at least she could share her darkling fate with the love of her young life. She cast her head in the direction of her truelove and upon seeing Draco's sleek pale skin almost shin in the flourescent light from overhead as he was tugged along beside her she relaxed all over, love coarsing through her veins even though she was about to meet her untimely end.

As she was hauled in sight of the pyre a grim chuckle escaped her chaped and bleeding lips. It was like her mother had always warned, she had played with fire, the fire of the arcane arts of magic, and here she was...

Draco had his eyes clamped shut tight, he was but a boy of twelve and no where near ready to face to totatilty of death. Luna reached out to him, reached out through the angry gibbering mob in the form of her patronus and caressed his cheek reassuringly, "it's going to be okay love... we're home."


	46. A Return To Hogwarts Christmas Part Two

Harry sulked about the aft section of the plane moodily, he envied Kraug and her paralysis, at least that traitorous parapalegic didn't have to fret about disembodied spirits snatching up all her nugs because she is too paralyzed to smoke any amount of weed. "Watch where you're sulking, Scary Potter," Harry's albino companion spat at him, Kraug also didn't have to put up with Draco all the time either, but it had been Padma's plan that all the Mystery Kids split up to look for the potergeist individually and Harry had been forced to grudgingly go along with it, the poor girl had lost her sister recently, so it was only fair to play into her impractical whims. And that's how Harry ended up stuck with Draco.

Draco used his ferret patronus to sniff out the ghost but it just didn't seem to be working so he retrieved it back into his sternum. It felt weird having his appendix removed but he much preferred that once squishyfilled cavity stuffed full of a glowing ferret made of light and good vibes all up in there. So he was pretty okay with it all in all, except that he was getting nowhere! He snapped at Harry to take his mind off his useless ferret problems, "you stomp around like a goat on a giant snare drum made of bells, how the hell are we supposed to sneak up on the pottergiest like that?" Harry hid his face to hide his tears of shame, it was all true, he had always had such a heavy foot but had optimistically hoped no one would notice him clattering around all the time, Draco's cold remark sent a flood of realization through Harry 'the snake'. He saw all the shocked reactions of his friends as he entered a room through a whole new light now, "it really is because i walk loud as hell," he figured to himself and forgot all about finding the potergeist.

How could he possibly focus on some wretched specter when flashes of relighted memory washed over him, all the times he heard people saying things like 'oh fuck whats th-oh it's just Harry', and 'damn that boy walks loud,' while entering a room came back to him and wiggled and squirmed all up into his psyche. He had hid from the knowledge for so long that it seemed ridiculous to him now, how deluded he had been, often times he would even startle himself with his crazy loud stomping gate but he had pushed such thoughts so far back unto themselves they had compressed into an oblique sphere of unknowing at his woe begotten and yet blessedly forgetful core. But that's all over now, he thought, and he was right, damn right. Harry stomped right up to Draco, he really put some elbow grease into this time and the concussive waves he created from his incredibly awkward and gay looking mode of raucous walking sent the white haired dick-brained elitist crashing up against the wall in a stumbling wave of newfound respect. "Hey maybe that sonic stomping wave will come in handy against the pottergeist," Draco begrudgingly admitted.

"Your mom comes in handy" Harry replied.

Spiders wet her lips and began to thrust her puckered, wet lips all over Filch's erect wiener. She was fiending something fierce for boogers by now, because she had gone several days without shooting up boogers. It all started when her band, the Chumbawumbas, were robbed at gunpoint and then she didn't have any more money to buy boogers, it felt like her nostrils were as big as dinner plates and she couldn't wait to get all this filthy plane filter air out of her gaping face holes so she offered filch a handy-j for 20 bucks and he bartered her down to 15 but called the whole thing off once he noticed her weird ass hands, upon which she had removed a finger each, as well as her toes, to be more like a spider, with eight of everything. So she ended up giving him a lip job as well and then ran off to find her boogers dealer as quick as she can. Really, Spiders had bigger fish on her plate to worry about than her silly boogers withdrawals but she couldn't bring herself to care about time-skips while her nostrills were so dry and barren, just like her goth-gone-punk heart.

All around Spiders there was so much joy and wonder and wander but she was too distracted by boogers and lack of boogers to notice it, the mirthful faces of the children as they raced about with candy falling out of costumed pockets in technicolor trails, the swirling snow outside and cozily roaring fires, no she was much too disturbed to see any of these things. And so the holiday season passed over her in one foul swoop, as though the time child herself were on her heels, but Spiders could not worry about that, not now, all she could do for now was run, and run she did.


	47. A Return to Hogwarts Christmas Part Thre

Harry sure had had one crazy week, first luna was being burned at the stake and all of that about the pot snatching "poterghast", and now here he is alongside Blue the apparant Stegasaurus who was all jumbled up after getting caught in a stampede, Blue got seperated from the rest of the velociarptros and then ran smack into a stegasaurus so hard that vthey switched bodies.

when harry hears Blue's plight he immedaitely agree the hlep. blue takes all fo the hlep harry has to give but is still stuck inside of the stegasaur body, that's why Blue becomes very sad. "Well I guess I'm stuck as this now," Blue decided, that's when Harry got an idea. "But wait, what if I build two giant slingshots out of these tall redwoods growing so abundandlty in this grove here," they were standign inside a giant prehistoric redwood grove)," and then strap you into one of them and go and find the stegasaurus who is stuck in your velociratpor body and strap her into the other one and then slignshot you into each of your own bodies!"

Blue agreed that was a great idea and went with harry to the store to buy chainsaws to cut down all the redwood trees. Harry figured he needed at least 20 of the ancient trees, but figured it would be safe to go ahead and just cut htem all down in case some of them are better than the others and **would** make a finer material for the slingshots, which would only be apparant once the wood had been logged and processed. this all took about a year, that's when Snape made his move!


	48. Spiders Returns Part One

After Spiders had finished giving Filch that handjob she finally had enough money to go score some drugs. Spiders used to be goth but now she is punk rock, and she is Hermione from an alternate dimension ...iN tHe DiMeNsIoN sPiDeRs Is FrOm HeRmIoNe Is SeVeN fEe+ tAlL aNd ReAlLy N2 SpIdErS... All of the dimensions are merging together as one because of the coming of planet Nibiru, but that's a story for another time...

Spiders rushed through the plane, nearly knocking Luna Lovegood unconcious in the process to go find her drug dealer, that's when she bought drugs, "c'mon man, I need some boogers, man," Spiders told him and he sold her some. That;s when she snuck off to the bathroom to go do a line, but Padma Patil was in there, with some girl who would have looked just like her if both of their faces weren't covered in a thick curtain of velvety black hair, but Spiders didn't care, she hadn't scored any boogers for a while and she was hurtin bad. She finaly snorted a line of boogers and it was stronger stuff than she was used to, the boogers she normally bought were stepped on more than a sidewalk but this time the boogers she bought was fresh as the morning snow and just as deadly. Her nose felt so clogged up with boogers that she forget even to breath and got oxygen deprivation which caused her to freak out and start hallucinating.

"I am a golden god!" She screamed, rushing out of hte bathroom. Then she built a giant web which Pansy Parkinsons got all caught up in. "Help,!" Pansy was screaming after she got stuck in the web, "someone get me out of this crazy web! Who put this web here?" She also wanted to know. Draco heard Pansy shouting for help, but he was too busy having an affair with Luna Lovegood to just rush out to her help all willy nilly without getting caught so he decided to go ahead of LUna and she would show up after him so it would look like they were not in the same place fucking. Draco was still only a boy of twelve so he wasn't fucking anybody but Pansy is as jealous a girlfriend as she is a sexually experienced, and demanding, girlfriend so she would likely catch on.

"Dont worry lover," Draco shouted as he came rushing to help his lover, "i'll help you!" Tears of relief streamed down Pansys pale face, "oh, Draco, thank god!"

Draco had fallen out of love with Pansy quite some time ago, but when he saw the dire straits she was in his heart reached out to her. "I got this," he said, rushing forward and entangling his left leg in a low lying web, he fell flat on his pale face and cried out in anger shock and pain. But he did not let that stop him, with his one leg still stuck and now sticking out almost straight behind him, thank god for yoga, he continued in his foolish attempt to extricate the girl he didn't really love anymore but still felt occasionally sorry for. To no avail! Everytime he tried to grab a bit of the web to snap it in his hands the web stuck to his hands until he was splay legged and armed and in just about the same foul situation as Padma. This took about 5 minutes.

Luna arrived and Draco said a silent prayer to his ancestors, even his living father, who was flying the plane, that they could keep their shameful facade going, for whatever reasons... Casual as he could he glanced over to Pansy to see her reaction to Luna but Pansy did not seem overly suspicious, Luna immediatly espied their pitiable condition and rushed forward to help, "wait! Don't try and break the web with your hands you just get stuck like Draco!" Pansy warned.

``?" Luna paused in her frantic lung forward looking uncertain, what was all this crazy business Pansy was going on about? "Dont listen to her Luna, she's gone insane from being trapped in this web fro so long! God speed girl, help us!" Draco shouted out ot her, the sooner they got out of this web the better, because out of the corner of his eye he thought he caught the sight of his strung out punk roxxxr ex paramour, Spiders.., there relationship had been a confusing wild blur of a ride for Draco and he barely remembered any of it, except that she had shown him the elicit passions of hidden 'goings on'. But that was all in the past for him now.

That's when Luna also got stuck in the web, first her hands, and then her face when she treied to gnaw her hands free."Pansy! You were right after all' she shouted as best she could with her lips splayed against the gluey ropes about her palm, "oh my god" Pansy said.

Draco hated seeing these two fight, he had also secretly hoped that htye would maybe be open to lesbian experimentation some day, he got the feelign that Pansy went that way sometimes but he wasn't sure about Luna, anyway, he sure wanted to see those two kissing and combing each others luscious hair and then comparing their penises for his pleasure and judgement, he figured that was a fantasy for another day and for now hed be best just making sure they didnt end up hating each other so he used his magical empathic abilities to brainwashing them into thinking they liked each other, he couldn't make them completely chill with each other but thought he managed to make them less disdainful of the other.

Unbeknowsnt to the trapped trio of confused teens Spiders lurked nearby the web, because where there is smoke... there is Spiders. She still had a lot of black cloths from her goth phase so she just crouched up like a spider and hid until someone come along and got stuck in her ingenious web. She had assembled the masterwork of glue and ropery in an astonishing clip, about an hour it took her, she was all hyped up on boogers, which is slang for Dimethyltrytypabromadolamine; a drug which was invented by the CIA to be distributed in inner city black communities so that young black people would get hooked on doing boogers and they would get there noses so clogged up that they wouldn't be able to breath well and that would hinder there ability to resist arrest, since theyd be too oxygen deprived to run.

The oxyen deprivation also causes hallucinations, as we have seen in the case of Spiders, she decided she erally was spiders nad nneeded to build a web, suck fluids from prey after posioning them, and then lay a clutch of eggs. She was about ready for stage one, she crept up on Pansy first, since Pansy ahd gotten furthres into the web. She had the poison syringe she had fashioned on the fly while hallucination poised and ready to strike, but just then!

Neville showed up! He intervened and stopped Spiders from doing all of that stuff about poisinging and drinking up Pansies juices. "If you poison her and drink her blood you'll just end up drinking poisoin, stupid!" He called out ot her, and she figured he had a pretty good point...


	49. Spiders Returns Part Two

Neville was supposed to be at band practice with the rest of the Chumbawumbas, but Spiders let that slide because she had also skipped practice that day because she was too high on Boogers. She figured it didn't matter though since they were a punk band and skipping band practice was pretty anarchy, but Neville wasn't all about anarchy at the moment, he was telling Spiders all about how she should drop the whole web thing and come with him to a Boogers Anonymous meeting so she can finally get off drugs and stop taking Boogers all the time.

"I guess you're right Neville, thanks" Spiders said, as she unbound Draco, Luna and Pansy Parkinson's from her rope and glue web.

"Don't you worry about it Spiders, you deserve a better life, better than trapping easily confused teens in a giant web and drinking them, you're a Hermione from a dimension where Hermione is seven feet tall and really into Spiders, and that still means something dammit." Neville said.

Spiders was ready to clear her life out and she figured Neville had just the tissue, but she was still a little skeptical, "but all of my friends build and hang out in webs all day," she said.

"Then it's time you get new friends," Neville admonished, "so what if your old friends don't approve, if they're going to stand in the way of your journey inward then you should just be rid of them, poison _them_ and move on with your life. You can't make an omelet without poisoning a few friends."

Spiders blinked back sudden tears, Neville's words had stirred something deep within her that had desperately been wishing for the deaths of her friends, and yet had never considered actually making such a thing happen. It seemed so simple when he said it, though there was one problem... "But I don't have _nearly_ enough poison for all of that!" Spiders nearly wailed.

Neville smiled, explaining gently, "that's fine, you can use fire, your bare hands, anything really,"

Spiders wiped a salty tear from her face then grinned despite herself, "I never knew there were so many ways to kill friends!" The world sure seemed like an exciting place to hear Neville tell it.

"Sure there are!" Neville agreed encouragingly, his enthusiasm seeped out to entendril the others, now they all wanted to try Neville's crazy plan for their very selves. The three previously trapped teens, Draco, Luna and Pansy,looked eagerly one to the other.

"Seamus criticized my posture the other day," Luna informed the others, "I can't wait to poison _him!"_

Draco nodded with a grin, wondering what would happen to Seamus's penis once he had been poisoned and began to wonder about the penises of the poisoned and sick in general while Pansy rubbed her hands together eagerly, expounding on her new plans, "Well _I_ 'm going to poison my parents. They're always holding me back, with them gone I can finally be somebody!"

Luna thought this was a good idea but Draco disagreed, "I like your parents..." Pansy shot him one of her 'fuck you' looks for that.

Pansy flipped her hair angrily, "yeah, they're o _kay_ sometimes but they _are_ holding me back."

Draco should have just let her have her way but his recent liberation from Spiders's crazy web had made him bold, so he plowed foolishly on with, "from what?", before he realized how negative it was going to sound and did.

"What do you mean _'from what?'_?" Pansy wanted to know.

Draco figured he was already in the doghouse so he didn't bother any sort of damage control, "from what are your parents holding you?"

Pansy couldn't believe how sassy he was getting with her, "from reaching my potential," she informed him tersely.

"Potential for what?" Draco shot back.

Pansy was beyond flustered, "That's just it! I don't even know yet! But with them gone I could finally do _some_ thing with my life, like, I could discover Mars or something..."

"mars," Draco scoffed.

This pissed Pansy off even further, "What's so funny about me discovering Mars huh? so, what? only a _man_ can discover Mars?" Pansy began to advance upon her pale 12 year old boyfriend but he held his ground.

"It's nothing to do with gender, it's just _you_ 've never discovered anything!"

Pansy couldn't believe her ears, "I just discovered that you're a little ass hole!" she screamed.

Draco folded his arms with a sneer. "Well done, but my point stands, you don't even know anything _about_ Mars!"

"I know it's the red one!" Pansy yelled then ran tearfully from the room...


	50. Spiders Returns Part Three

"Aahhh ha hahahaha!" Luna cruely jeered at Draco who was still reeling from his recent dumping. Pansy had just given him the business and huffed off, leaving Draco flustered. And now this. Spiders soon joined in and the pale young wizard found himself amidst a bararge of taunts.

"Draco's in the doghouse!" Spiders began chanting, " _Dog_ house _Mal_ foy _Dog_ house _Mal_ foy!" The two girls joined arms and danced about, they were quiet the sight, especially since Spiders is seven feet tall and had to near bend over double to lock arms with Luna. But anyway.

Neville could barely contain himself for impatience, he had died and come back to life near a dozen times now and what for? he wondered glaring at the silly display before him. He had thought his Boogers Anonymous gambit was working well earlier, but that all crumbled to ashes once Draco and Pansy had got set off. The world could be a real bitch sometimes, he mused sourly as he tried to come up with a backup plan, and one that could keep Spiders's attention at that...

"oh my god, Draco is such a loser," Luna was saying, she and Spiders had finally stopped dancing and were lounging around Draco, pretending he wasn't there, sharing a blunt.

Spiders pretended not to know who Luna was talking about, "oh, that Doghouse Malfoy kid? Yeah," she finally responded amid a flurry of indignant huffing and arm waving from Draco, "I'm so glad he's not here right now, he's so pale and grody"

"You guys aren't even gonna let me hit that!" Draco whined when he saw the blunt was near gone, the girls persisted in their blissful charade of ignorance. Neville watched, arms folded, in grim silence.

"Did you hear a buzzing?" Luna wanted to know, Spiders made a big show of looking around to see where the noise was coming from even though Draco was now completely in her face, "ewww, are there flies on this plane?"

"Guuyyyys!" Draco wailed, but Spiders began pacing about.

"Nah, if there were flies on this plane I'd know, I mean, c'mon, I'm Spiders," Spiders said, she tried to take one last hit ff the blunt but the paper had all but burnt away and she sizzled her lip a little and had to drop it.

"Oh dang, is that blunt wrap all burnt away?" Luna wanted to know, she had bought them herself, in America. They were very expensive and flavored like 3 kinds of berry.

"Ye" said Spiders, "what I'm trying to figure out," she said as she rummaged around the aisle, "is where all that weed got to though..." She had heard about the pot snatching ghost that was haunting the plane but had never expected it to come for her... she barely surpesed panic as her search grew increasingly more frantic.

Luna chuckled it off at first, assuming that Spiders was nearly messing with her, but she soon came to the same dire realization as Spiders, the weed was gone! "Holy shit Spiders!" She cried out, joining in the inefectual search, "it came just be gone! I mean, fuck, we _just_ smoked it-"

"I Know!" Spiders shot back, "i was smoking it too, i mean, I'm not stupid!"

Neville figured this could take all afternoon and decided to intervene, "c'mon Spiders," he grabbed her shoulder, "we're going to be late!" She had forgotten all about Boogers Anonymous and how badly she was addicted to boogers. He was tense all over, expecting her to brush him off, but to his surprise Spiders finally ceased in her futile search.

"Oh snap," she said, checking her wrist watch, it had a squirtle on it, "yeah, we are going to be late, c'mon Luna!" Neville groaned, the two were besties now, apparantly having bonded over Draco's heartbrreak, which, crotchety as he was feeling, even Neville coulnd't fail to appreciate a little. Luna came skipping over to take her place at Spiders's side.

Oh no! Neville couldn't believe his rotten luck, he needed to get Spiders alone so he can tell her about the Hermione Tat Ko; the Hermione Death Battle, and now Luna wants to tag along! but before he can come up with some new desperate ploy to get Spiders alone... "why is this plane ride taking so long?" Luna wanted to know, she and Spiders were all snuggled up together with Luna standing on Spiders's massive, size 17 feet, like spooning but standing up. _Jesus fuck_ thought Neville, _were the planning to walk like that?_

"Hmmm," Spiders pondered, she finally acknowledged Draco, who had stuck around despite Spiders and Luna's chickanery because of how confused he was by Luna's behaviour, they had been dating in secret so that Pansy wouldn't find out he was cheating on her, but now that Pansy had stormed off to _go discover mars or something_ he figured their love could bloom in the open... and now this...

"Yeah," Neville grabbed Spiders's shoulder, which jostled Luna a little bit as he had to reach up and over her to reach Spiders's shoulder, which was at forehead level with him, "the Boogers Anonymous meeting is starting, you don't wanna be late right?" But Spiders only looked past him to Draco, "Hey Doghouse," she called out

Draco shuffled his feet, he was still sore about getting snaked out of that last blunt since he had just smoked Luna and Pansy and Spiders out earlier while they were hanging out inside of Spiders's gigantic glue-and-ropes web... "what," he grumbled, not looking up at her. He figured he knew exactly where this was going and he wanted no part of it

"Isn't your dad flying the plane," Spiders accused.

"Oh, hey," exclaimed Luna, "yeah, let's go see Luscious Lucius Malfoy! _He's_ a total bro." She added while looking with disdain upon Draco as if to imply that not all the Malfoys were bro material, "He's got a spliff on him at _least!_ "

"God damnit," said Neville. He followed as they made their way up to the cockpit, which wasn't far at all luckily for them. It still took a long time because Luna and Spiders were trying to walk around as one, still in their vertical spooning position, Neville didn't even bother asking, he hoped they'd eventually just fall over and forget about it... The whole way up to the cockpit Draco was pensive, he had tried at first to dissuade the girls but they bowled right past him and were now knocking right on the door to the cockpit!

"Yo Lucius!" Luna called out, but there was no response, they all felt a tide of fear wash over them then, aside for Neville of course, what if the pot stealing ghost had graduated to stealing pilots now?! Luna reached out with trembling hand to push the door ajar... and inside, nothing! The pilots chair was completely empty, before them, the limitless expanse of sky, carrying them ever onward.. But to what fell end?


	51. Chapter 51

Dumbledore had a big day ahead of him because he had invited all of his old war buddies over for their annual get together.

"Finally!" He thought.

This was the first year in many that he got to host the Alter Mann erotische Beschwörung, a sacred yearly rite held dear by his steadily dwindling band of brothers. It was being held at Hogwarts that year. with all the students still away on summer vacation he had the place all to himself. There was a dreadful amount of work which needed doing around the castle but rather than overtax his fragile nerves further Albus sagely decided to let the house elves worry about making the drafty old shell presentable while he took care of himself.

"You don't want to be a frazzled mess by the time your guests have arrived," he told himself as he made his morning toilet. He had made mac and cheese again the night before and the process as such was taking a tad longer than usual. "That's right," he agreed, now picking bits of jam from under his toes, " and what's more they couldn't appreciate the amenities of a newly re-freshened castle with a host too exhausted to show them about"

Dumbledore figured he would need a lot of energy for the big reunion so he hurried out onto the school grounds to start his day off right with a fresh yard salad.

"Morning Professor!"

Doppy the house elf called out from behind a dusty ficus he was tending to as Dumbledore bounded past him.

Normally the sight of Doppy's eager to please face, his big, cow like, watery eyes would spike the headmasters blood pressure and set the back of his hand to itching but today was a special day and so Dumbledore paid him no further heed and swung forth the great mahogany front doors. He sprinted down the cobblestone path and inhaled the rich morning air with relish and a twinkle in his bright blue eyes. He took a moment to bask in tranquility of the morning soaked front lawn.

Then he began to survey the area for fresh and delicious things to make his breakfast out of.

Immediately his eye was drawn to a vigorous tuft of Crabgrass growing in a springy profusion a few meters off the cobblestone path. Most people prefer something fancy like Tall Fescue or Kentucky Bluegrass but Albus had always thought Crabrass had the most bang for his bite, sure it was a little sodium rich, but he wasn't trying to live forever,. was he? He grabbed several handfuls of that and threw it into his clear crystal salad bowl. Here he was just a few steps out into the yard and already he had found the perfect base for his yard salad.

He resumed snooping about for things to snack on and found some acorns to add to his bowl. Then he added a few crunchy fallen leaves to the mix, they looked to be oak but were mostly decomposed enough to pass for any old leaf. Next he found some wild onion and uprooted near a dozen of them in his excitement, wild onions and crabgrass had been a childhood favorite of his. Finally, as the bacon bits stand-in he crunched up three cicada shells and sprinkled them over top.

Albus grinned at and drooled over his salad with satisfaction; it sure looked hearty and fresh, but he figured he'd need something to wash it down with, and, feeling gay as a schoolboy he skipped down to the lake to grab a hasty handful of water. But to his bemused surprise the water didn't want to stay in his hand long enough for him to make it back to the place where he had planned on eating his salad initially, in the shade of the womping willow.

Instead, he ate his salad by the lake. He watched the giant squid and chocolate frogs swimming about and bent to like a buffalo at a watering hole whenever the urge to slake his mighty thirst struck him. Which was often, the cicada shells were very dry and caught in his throat. At one point he thought he felt a little chocolate tadpole slide down his throat as he slurped up the lake to parch his thirst... he giggled as he imagined the tadpole maturing in his tummy and a full grown chocolate frog hopping out his butt later.

Albus ate his salad, laughing out loud all the while, his lips and teeth stained green, but then all his guests arrived and he left the last bit of yard salad for Doppy the house elf.

"Ohboy oh boy!" He hollered, "I just can't wait!"

And he couldn't at that, he sprang up from his spot by the lake and pumped his scrawny old legs faster than ever he had in all his long, long days.

Dumbledore held his robes up from underneath his feet and ran to meet his old buddies, who, only 4 in number now in these grim latter days, were all disembarking from Herman's plane.

Joe, the group conscience emerged first, followed by Herman the mustachio'd pilot and Eric who were arguing in typical fashion over the comparative merits and disadvantages of air and water travel, Eric had wanted to bring his boat but the others had preferred to fly it would seem.

"C'mon you guys," Joe admonished over his shoulder, "don't spoil another reunion with your bickering!"

Last of the group to emerge was Martin, with his air of protective sternness trailing him like a cloud of ill vapors. He had a golden heart underneath it all, though.

The sight of all his old friends started up a fitful stirring under Albus's robes which he knew wouldn't come to fruition for another half hour at least, being so on in years as he is Dumblerdore was accustomed to waiting for his plumbing to shake the rust loose before he could achieve a full erection. He had been mostly celibate, aside from the annual get to gether's of course, for years now and relished the opportunity to let loose and feel the wind and sun on his most private and cherished of skin, but in the meantime they made casual conversation until their five swords could cross and the ceremony commence.

Albus sure hoped that this year would be the year they succeeded in their crazy plans, even though it would mean the end of the getogethers's he cherished so dear,... the world had been without the leadership it so desperately needed for 7 decades now and with the coming of the planet Nibiru it was more important than ever that a brave new world order coalesced for the protection and betterment of all mankind, even the inferior races.

They had held the gathering every year since the war had ended with never a success, though all involved shed sweat blood and tears in the throes of their enraged passions.

Albus had always tried to be understanding when it came to muggles and treat them as though they were one and the same as wizards and witches, but he couldn't help blame his muggle companions for the successive failures of their reunion ritual... their small non-magic minds couldn't possibly comprehend the intense and arcane forces being tangled with and must have in some way or other prevented the resurrection of the beloved leader-king with their insipid muggle bumblings.

But now that all the muggles in the group had fallen to ravages of time Dumbledore figured today was finally the day.. He caressed himself half heartedly, discovered what he expected, a turgid quasi hardon that needed yet more time...

"Wow, this school is beautiful," Joe exclaimed, as Dumbledore led them into his private chambers.

Inside they served themselves from the bar in the corner, kept well stocked by Doppy the house elf, and arranged themselves by the roaring fire. Eric, Jagermeister in tow, perused the portraits strung along the wall while Herman regaled Martin and Albus with tales of life out on the open sea. Every now and then Herman would scoff Eric's claims of nautical whimsy into a corner; when this happened, Joe, as usual, quelled their bickering.

"What's it like being a headmaster?" Joe asked once Herman had paused his nautical monologue to refresh his glass.

"It's okay, I guess," Albus admitted, truth be told he had expected that headmastery would be a much more exciting career than it had turned out to be.

"Well, don't you at least have some fun with it?" Joe wanted to know, he always had to put a bright spin on things.

Eric had made his circuit about the room and sidled silently onto Martins lap. "Yeah," he added mischievously, "like can't you at least make up a bunch of crazy stuff to tell your students so they look dumb?"

Dumbledore sighed, "yeah I tried that, a bunch of the parents found out and said I'd get into trouble if I didn't quit though..." just thinking about it bummed Albus out and just the telling of it was having a damning effect on the group morale!

Albus you old coot, he thought to himself, you've gone and bummed them all out, now we'll never be able to get boners!

Speaking, or rather thinking, of which Albus could feel his pecker sliding back into neutral. But just then he remembered his ace in the hole, Doppy!

"Oh yeah, but check this out guys," BAMPF! he apparated Doppy into the center of the room.

Germany had freed all its house elves after the war and the others had to practically pinch themselves to believe what they were seeing. A house elf! A real live house elf after all these years!

"Why this is marvelous!" Joe bounded up out of his seat to get a better look at the scrawny pale creature quivering before the enraptured group. He pulled on Doppys thin soft ears and ran a finger around his gums to check for disease, seems to be in tip top shape, he reassured himself.

"Yeah," said Dumbledore, "he came with the place," he folded his arms over the front of his robes, feeling quite cool for having impressed his old pals. "Also he has to do whatever I say! Check it out; Doppy!" he intoned commandingly.

Doppy cowered and held his hands up over his wrinkly bald head, he could tell what was in store from Dumbledores tone of voice and he relished the thought none. "yes sir?" his small quivering voice fluttered about the room.

"It is time for your exercise!" Doppy flinched at the word, "get treadmill!"

"N-n-n-no sir! Please! Not the-"

Dumbledore backhanded Doppy halfway across the room, "You are my house elf and you will do as I say, and I say you are looking flabby and need to tone up for spring!"

"Yes sir mr Dumbledore sir!" Doppy squeaked and then ran out into the hall to drag the treadmill into the room.

It took quite some time, Doppy being just a little house elf and the treadmill a multi hundred pound Goliath of a piece of home exercise equipment. The pathetic struggle earned a few half hearted chuckles. While they watched the wretched little creature heave and pull the thing across the floor they massaged and caressed their reluctant flesh, the Sisyphean display before them added a little spark to their aged blood, but not quite enough yet.

Once Doppy had the thing in place he scampered around its side to plug it in, his bat-wing like ears flapping all the while. He began to mount the thing but the headmaster caught him short.

"Aren't you forgetting something Doppy?" He asked sternly.

Doppy dropped his head abashed and trembling anew, "but sir, the pins sir, they pierce Doppy's skin they do, all over sir, and then what's more sir, in the kitchens the grease gets in the cuts it does, and it burns Doppy something fierce sir..."

"Now Doppy, you know how important aerobic excercise is for proper lung function, and with all that bleach and de-greaser you inhale daily you can't be lazy in that regard."

"But the tacks sir-" Doppy insisted, eyes glued to the floor between his toes.

Dumbledore drew himself up to his full height, "are their for you motivation! Now you will cease this insubordination before my very special guests and scatter the tacks at once!"

Doppy immediately ran to the desk where Albus kept all his pointy tacks and spread them around the treadmill as he had been instructed. Once he was on it he could barely keep up with the swiftly revolving tread and fell onto the spiky tack littered ground again and again. Within minutes Doppy was bruised all over and sodden in his own blood and Dumbledores compatriots were beside themselves with laughter.

Every time Doppy would loose his footing, fall flat on his face and then be hurtled, bleeding and bedraggled on the tacks the onlookers would hoot with glee and encourage the next round, "AGAIN! AGAIN!" they shouted and shouted while Doppy ran and fell.

Doppy was soon wheezing and bent over double, he stepped on a corner of his left ear and went bounding off the motorized rubber walkway. He landed with a limp cracking noise and was still.

"Boo!"

Dumbledore joined in the catcalling loudest of all. With an exasperated sigh he roused himself from his seat and went over to the twitching yet mostly still magical creature. Before Dumbledore could ascertain how best to wring some more fun out of Doppy's battered frame he felt a rough, callused hand slid up his robes and begin to caress his wrinkling pale ass. Martin pushed his weight down on top of Albus even further, sending to headmaster onto his knees.

"I've brought a big red apple for you... teacher," Martin said, leading Dumbledores hand to his bulging erection.

Albus licked his lips, "hope you brought enough to share with the rest of the class," he responded wittily before wrapping his lips around Martins pulsating termination. Martins salty old dong had lived through two world wars and had seen a man sent to the moon, having all that history at just the brush of his tounge was beyond exciting for Dumbledore and he remembered to pace himself. If even one of them came too soon the ritual would all be for naught, so for the time being Albus licked and toyed with Martins cock coquettishly.

On the couch Herman and Eric were going at it like two old dogs in heat. Or at least they were trying to. Joe watched the two of them, waiting his turn at Hermans well used hole. Eric had his ankles up over Hermans shoulders, a position they had always favored in their glory days as it allowed Herman full access to Erics love pit but now that the years had piled up the exertion sent a terrible aching through Herman and his meager and lackluster thrusts belied the pain he felt. Eric was fairing little better, his boy pussy had been pounded away every year for decades now and the loose rubbery hole he had inherited was getting close enough to no stimulation as to make no difference. But still they played their parts and moaned eagerly and with a lusty passion their withered bones could no longer hope to feel.

They were all old.

Too damn old for an all male orgy and they knew it, but the show must go on. The Founder must be brought back from his sleep of the abyss, the world must be made anew before the coming of Nibiru, they must complete the ritual, no matter what pains they face or what obstacles block their path.

Albus had gotten Martin on his back and was doing his best to ride him cowgirl style. The hard floor was making Martins hips and shoulders ache and the two gave it up for a bad job after a few paltry thrusts.

From the corner of the room Fawkes did his best to hide his sharp eyes with his bright red wings, but he could do nothing for the noise, the huffing and moaning of a roomful of old men battering each others holes and crotches together, the raspy sound of dry papery skin chaffing against dry papery skin. The whole room was filled with the rickety clanking and popping of ancient joints put into motion. It was an experience the immortal beast would never forget.

They wiled away the entire afternoon at their festivities. At one point they had made a love sandwich with Joe in the middle, a cock from both Eric and Herman snugly stashed up his shitter while Martin and Albus greedily licked at his taint and the secretions oozing thereon from within.

Albus also made a point to show all his old buddies that they don't call him 'Albus Pipe Cleaner' for nothing and gave them each, one by one, the most vigorous and deep fingering of their long storied lives. His fingers were so long and spindly that it felt like a tiny, stiff, garden snake was trying to find a home up inside them, but he couldn't keep it up for long, his arthritis having advanced mercilessly in the past 12 months...

The ritual continued and liver spotted skin continued to heave and glisten with exhaustion and still they never achieved their aims. Not even when Martin spent himself inside of Albus and then a jizz coated chocolate frog came tumbling out of his well worn hole to finish him off... Not even when they all lay sticky and a hairs breadth away from fatal strokes did they succeed in ressurecting Hitler through their unfettered gaiety.

"Oh well," said Dumbledore after they had all cleaned up and were heading off back into the busy world and their individual lives, "maybe next year..."


	52. Lucius And Dumbledore

Mr. Malfoy goes over to Hogwarts when Albus calls him up and tells him that he's packing the gravity bong and he just got a twelve pack.

Normally Lucius wouldn't fuck with Dumbledore because he finds him annoying but he really wanted to smoke and figured while he was there he could hit up Snape for some molly. When he got there the gravitybong Dumbledore had made was legit and he was really only focused on that but Dumbledore kept insisting he 'crack open some beers' with him so finally Lucius assented.

"Sure man whatever," Lucius Malfoy said. "Let's get our drink on, really though I'm just tryna hit this geeb y'know?"

Albus was pleased his guest had finally agreed to drink with him, "Sure sure, let me go get the beers real quick. They're in the kitchen. You stay here."

Lucius raised an eyebrow. "Ugh..."

Dumbledore started blinking a little too much and licking his lips, "yeah, the kitchen's a mess and I- you just stay in here and I'll bring the beers out here and we can drink in here and you just stay here and we'll be chill!"

"Um," Lucius didn't want to cause trouble but Dumbledore was really sketching him out, "sure man, whatever I'll just wait here-"

His impatient host didn't even wait for the complete answer and had scuttled off immediately after 'sure' had parted Lucius's lips but Lucius was so weirded out that he had to finish anyway., "and you go get the drinks while I wait in here. Okay. I'm not freaking out a little," he continued to reassure himself until his host had returned with their beverages.

Albus came back with two red dixie cups and lucius was immediately put off, he'd prefer to just drink out of the cans but for some reason dumbledore wanted to pour the drinks out of sight. he could immediately tell it wasn't beer.

"what the fuck dumbledore?" he swirled it around. the way it foamed up just wsan't right at all.

Albus chuckled nervously and took a drink of his, "what man? you're acting all paranoid and shit," he muttered. He started clearing the keef out of his grinder, pretending like nothing was up.

Reluctantly Lucius took a small sip, he nearly retched. It was beyond awful.

"What the fuck!" He threw the cup down on the floor, "is that fucking root beer and vodka? You said you had a fucking 12 pack you stupid cunt!"

"That is beer mate!" Dumbledore got up indignantly and began to clear up on the floor. He swiped some of the "Beer" back into Lucius's overturned cup ineffectually "it's an imported lager from Europe." He added haughtily.

"Imported from straight out your ass more like, that is fucking root beer and some liquor something that should never be mixed with root beer! Ugh," he began spitting fervently and scraping his tongue against his teeth, "can't get teh fucking taste out of my mouth."

"Chill man," Dumbledore insisted, "it's fuckin' lager, _damn_.."

Lucius Malfoy had had enough. He was the most formidable former death eater alive now that Mac was dead and an accomplished commercial international airline pilot as well, he didn't need to put up with all this.

"Bullshit," Lucius got up from Dumbledore's uncomfortable and suspiciously stained couch and marched into the kitchen. Albus tried to stop him but Lucius just bulled past. On the counter was an open bottle of Travelers Club Gin and a 2 liter of Root Beer next to some red cups.

"What the fuck man," Lucius wanted to know. "I didn't even fucking want to drink man, I've just been over here trying to hit this bong and you're pushin' beer on me and shit and I took one to be chill or whatever but,."he gestured to the counter, "what the fuck man?"

"Whatever dude," Dumbledore was trying to play it off like it was a little joke and Lucius was overreacting, "it tastes basically the same. Why are you being so weird about this?"

"Gin and Root fucking Beer tastes nothing like imported lager!" Lucius had been slowly escalating into a shout and caught himself, Voldemort had always said he had a nasty temper and really needed to chill out every now and then. He took a few deep breaths, "it tastes nothing like lager," he repeated more quietly, "it tastes nothing like anything anyone would want to drink."

Albus took a large swallow of his to try and show that it was indeed good, he immediately began to retch it back up but, red faced and slamming his open palm on the stone counter top he managed to keep it down. _"Aaaaaaahhhhh"_ he meant to sound refreshed but the sound he made turned from faux pleasure to guttural torment and belied the despair he felt and he ran to the bathroom making grotesque heaving noises all the way.

Lucius chuckled, took a sip of the gin, on it's own, not so bad... , and headed after Dumbledore. Albus stumbled out of the bathroom wiping off his robes, he still had a bit of puke down the side of his beard but Lucius didn't tell him about it. _fuck you albus_ , he thought.

"Sorry man, I guess it's not that much like lager." Dumbledore admitted bashfully.

"nah, it's fuckin not."

"I just figured you were so excited about cracking into a 12 pack with me and then I forgot to get one so I thought maybe you would just play along or something, I dunno," he scuffed his shoes on the floor some more.

"This is why no one hangs out with you, because you do weird shit."

"People hang out with me," Dumbledore wasn't tryin to hear all that. "You're hanging out with me right now drinkin beers and hitting the geeb, me and my old nazi war buddies were hangin out just yesterday tryin to bring Hitler back to life with an all old man sex party, so there!"

"That crazy bullshit is exactly what I'm talking about. Fuck you Albus," Lucius took another hit "you're weed game is legit but you are fucked up man."

Dumbledore laughed like the entire thing Malfoy had just said had been a compliment, Lucius wasn't sure he had heard him, "yeah, I know man."

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED

* * *

TOMORROW MAYBE EVEN

(if it's still raining)


	53. Doppy: free at last

Lucius was still hanging out with Dumbledore instead of flying the plane.

"So, do you ever do anything interesting anymore or you just lay around and fuck with your house elf and stuff?"

Dumbledore:

"yeah I don't even think of it as fucking with him anymore, it's more like terrorfucking i guess, like I'm just fucking with him but also terrorizing him, yknow, but I'm starting to get pretty bored of him so I might try freeing him and then tricking him into still working for me somehow, which might be easy because house elves are basically retarded."

"that sounds pretty chill," Lucius agreed,

"maybe you could find some crazy way to fuck with him one last time somehow...y'know like you still give him his freedom but you massively fuck up his life in some way" he was too baked to offer any further suggestions though, the geeb had wrecked him.

Dumbledore laughed, which turned into coughing.

"I'll make him get a tattoo that says 'Doppy Sucks' on his forehead or something!" He said once his lungs had settled and his coughing fit subsided.

But Lucius thought that was unfunny and became surly, "that's stupid." He lit a cigarette and blew some of the smoke in Fawkes's beakface.

"Bro!" Dumbledore scolded his guest "quit harassing my pheonix dude that shit is rare"

"Like you even care," Lucius responded, his brooding saturnine mood had once again overtaken him, "all you do is freak him out with your rampant perversity"

"Why don't you suck five dicks and fall down the stairs," Dumbledore snapped back wittily.

"You can be a real bitch sometimes," Lucius muttered.

Luscious Lucius Malfoy didn't know why he hung out with Albus sometimes, even iff he gave the best 'pipe cleaner' around. But then with a sudden joyous recall his face lit up and he called out,

"Do you still have that blood crusted strap on dildo laying around?"

"Oh you mean the one that I dipped in a boiling cauldron of demon's blood and then sodomized Hagrids half brother to death with? And then the ministry got all huffy about it and tried sending it back to hell but the devil was too scared of it so he sent it back?"

"Yeah that one." Luscius agreed.

Fawkes shuddered at the mention of that wretched artifact, as the immortal witness to Dumbledores depravities Fawkes coal black eyes were etched with the immeasurable horrors he had been made to witness, yes, he remembered the blood crusted strap on. As he would for all eternity. And so did Dumbledore! Or it would seem so because the old fellow hopped up from his seat and went scrambling over to his closet.

After a moment of ruffling and rummaging about he emerged with the item in hand, a wide grin stretching his face. He had caught a vibe with Lucius and knew exactly where the old bastard was going.

In Dumbledore's long slender fingers (they don't call him 'Albus 'Pipe Cleaner'' for nothing) he held aloft a 13 inch long blood spattered strap on dildo. Originally the shaft and head were wrought with inlays of the finest gold leaf and painted with painstaking strokes such an intricate tapestry of painting as one could wish for, though now this all was worn down with use. It had seen much use.

"Doppy!" Dumbledore called out in a bellowing voice of magical command.

BAMPF! The house elf appirated right to the spot!

Doppy's watery bulbous eyes went immediately to the girthy blood crusted strap on dildo in his cruel masters hands and he fell to his knees blubbering and holding his feeble scrawny arms above his head in his extremes of woe. Dumbledore had often threatened Doppy with ill-fated strap on but had always held back since it would have most likely irreparably damaged Doppy's hips, making him mostly useless. But Albus had somewhat crueler plans in his wrinkly old mind.

"Doppy! As you know there comes a day when every house elf earns his freedom."

Doppy could almost not believe his gigantic bat wing like ears. Could he really be free!?

Dumbledore continued; "And that lucky elf, once putting on an article of their masters clothing is free forevermore, so come forward," Dumbledore held the blood crusted strap on out to Doppy while taking a knee and bowing his head, "and retrieve your freedom at last!"

Doppy ran forward so excited he nearly tripped over his gigantic ears, he grabbed the strap on out of Albus's long slender fingers, which had always sent a chill down Doppy's bruised and battered spine. Despite the perversity of the object he put it on straight away, clicking the buckle into place around his hips with a rapturous smile and tears in his enormous bloodshot eyes.

"Doppy is so happy sir mr Headmaster Dumbledore sir! How can Doppy ever repay you?" He wanted to know.

Dumbledore placed his spider like hand on Doppys shoulder like a kindly old grandpa, "You've payed me back plenty, just be sure to tell them Albus sent you when you go to hell after you die, which you will definitely be doing now."

"Oh no!" Doppy cried out, tears of despair washing out the rapture-tears of earlier. Lucius chuckled in the background and took another shot of gin.

"Oh yes, Doppy," Dumbledore scolded. "You foolishly rushed forth before I could tell you about how that very strap on you are now bound to wear is cursed by the devil himself and when you die you shall surely be consigned to flames, and appointed a spot of upmost torment and despair. Now get back to work you lazy little fucker, the students are due back any day now and I want them to find plenty upon plenty of bowls of custard waiting for them upon their much delayed return!" Albus barked at the scrawny little elf and sent him running, pulled off center by the weight of the blood crusted strap on, back down the kitchens when he could just as easily have appararated him there.


	54. dogMinerva

Inside the Hogsmeade Pub Waylon Strutters celebrated the success of his magic joke shop, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. He fed quarters into the jukebox, chainsmoked expensive imported cigars and drank Pipe Cleaner after Pipe Cleaner, a fresh new local fad drink made of a mixture of cheap gin and root beer soda. They tasted awful but had the pleasant side effect of getting Waylon quite drunk while looking hip and 'in the know' so kept on forcing them down. He had hoped that drinking such a fashionable beverage would get him laid but it did not seem to be doing the trick and he was basically reconciled to just calling up ol' Unnerving Minerva for a quickie.

"What are you so damnedably chipper for?" a voice over his shoulder wanted to know.

To Waylon's surprise it belonged to Rishi Applegate-Marquez, a successful local photographer he had never met.

Waylon polished off another Pipe Cleaner before answering, "I'm celebrating" he said, looking at Rishi from under his eyelids.

Rishi chuckled good-naturedly, " _oh_ , did they finally make goatfucking legal?"

"Aint never fucked a goat in my life and I'll fight the first sumbitch says I have," Waylon declared defensively.

Rishi laid out a gold crusted 20 dollar bill on the barstool and the bartender hurried back with some Goldschlager in a fancy wine glass for him. "Pretty sure I saw you a'goatfuckin' last weekend," Rishi locked his cocked eyes with Waylon's, "over 'yond that hill just outside of town?" He paused to sip at his goldflaked liquor, savoring it and his own richness, "was out thataway takin' picthers y'see," he held up his complicated, professional looking camera.

Waylon inspected the camera thoroughly and handed it back, "Well," he said, kicking his feet up on the barstool between them, dried cow shit fell off the bottoms in flakes to land intermingled with the peanut shells and hair that was already all tangled up in the thick shag carpeting inside the Hogsmeade Pub.

Waylon lit another cigar, "seems to me you miss-saw what you thought you seen," a torrent of rich blue smoke poured from his nostrils.

"Well if I didn't see you fuckin a goat last weekend why'd I see you thrusting your cod in and out of that goat last weekend?"

"Damn boy, don't you know anything? That wunt no goat jus' ol' Minerva Gonagol"

Rishi was insulted that Waylon seemed to think he was just another big city slicker out in the country as a tourist. He may have made his millions taking expensive photographs but he was country bred and cornbread fed, had the rodeo running through his veins instead of blood and it got him hot under the collar when somebody tried to imply otherwise.

But he decided to keep his cool after all and not start a fight. Secretly he thought Waylon was awesome and wanted to be friends or even bestfriends with him someday. "I know plenty," he responded levelly.

"Then you'd know McGonagol is the town bike and ever-damn-body gets a ride, only she insists on turnin' into an animal first, she don't like gettin' fucked as a human,." He sighed, "which is a shame really, she's pretty enough she don't need to turn into an animal before hand y'know? But hell, beggers caint be choosers."

"Yeah, McGonagol," Rishi agreed, "Last time we fucked she turned into a crow."

Waylon nodded, now convinced, "she likes that crowform of hers, did she give you a beak-job?" he wanted to know.

"No, she rubbed her wings on my dick and said she wanted to give me beak but i was like 'nah'"

Just then a hooded stranger sat down between them, "I fucked McGonagol too," the mysterious figured said, she had a demure ladylike voice.

Waylon and Rishi were impressed none, "so," muttered Rishi.

"Yeah who hasn't is what I'm sayin.," Waylon added.

"You gentlemen misunderstand me," replied the cloaked woman from behind her veil of mystery, "I meant to say I have fucked McGonagol in her human-phsyical form."

"Bull shit," Waylon snapped back immediately.

"Yeah," Rishi chimed in, "she only fucks as an animal."

The hooded stranger folded her arms smugly, "maybe for you, but she hooked up with me in her birthshape, as a human woman. You boys must not have what it takes to satisfy a prime slab of slut like her..."

Waylon took off his cowboy hat indignatnly, "That better be the truth you're spouting off about or there's gonna be problems y'hear?"

Rishi also couldn't believe his ears.

"It is the truth indeed, I laid her out on her bed and slipped a finger at a time up inside her eager gasping pussy till I had her moaning, drooling, and writhing. Then just as she was about to climax I tugged my hand out of her worn out old snatch and backhanded her across her slut face. Left that bitch begging for me to finish her off, soaking in her own juices and sexual desperation."

Now the two bar-patrons had heard everything. "Like fun you did," Rishi spat. He didn't abide being lied to.

"I most certainly did finger that woman," the stranger replied, then reached up to pull down her face-obscuring hood, "Because I am that woman!"

As soon as her veil was withdrawn a cheer and rousing round of applause erupted from everyone in the bar; she was quite the local celebrity. The bartender was overcome with joy to have someone of such caliber drinking at his establishment, "Free Pipe Cleaners for everyone!" he shouted to redoubled mirth from his thirsty, too sober patrons.

Minerva could transfigure herself into many animal forms, often but not always for sex. She had one special form that was unlike any other and had a personality of its own; dogMinerva.

One day when Minerva was transfiguring herself into a border collie to go fetch some important papers for her class she had left in her office she noticed how crazy it felt to turn into a border collie. She turned into frogs and badgers all day long and didn't feel nearly as actually insane as she did when she was haflway turned into a border collie. Out of curiousity she halted the transfiguration early, a feat less disciplined transfigurists could barely dream of, and that is when dogMinerva was born.

Also, while Minerva transfigures into a border collie she becomes taller during the process instead of shorter like you would imagine; this only serves to further fuel the unweildy rage overtakes her whenever she becomes dogMinerva.

In this form she is about 6 and a half feet tall, and almost but not entirley covered in patches of long tangly border collie fur in a threesome of black white and tan. dogMinerva's face is an uncanny sight to all who gaze upon it, she still has most of the features of a demure old school teacher but stretched out over a bristling razor fanged filled half-snout. Hateful saliva pools from out between her jagged doghuman teeth and between her thin black lips. Her blood shot eyes wild with a hatred beyond all reason.

As previously mentioned dogMinerva is criminally insane. When Minerva transfigures partway into a border collie but then stops at the midpoint and becomes dogMinerva she frequently tears her classrooms to shreds in a fit of rage while screaming students scrambe away to safety. Although at the end of the day even Dumbledore himself has to agree that it is an effective teaching method.

"Keep up the great work, Minerva, we can't have those students becoming too lax just before the big exam." he said, and so she kept on with it.

Before you know it dogMinerva had everyone talking, even the students who would often huddle together in some dim out-of-the-way corridor and compare scars and war stories.

There are some right now! Let's see what they have to say about all this...

"This is from where dogMinerva tried to bite my hand off she did," said a disfigured 3rd year girl from Scotland. She held out her hand for the others gathered round to appreciate her missing fingers.

The boy across from her lifted up his robes to show a large bruise and welt on his shoulder, "she threw her lecturn at me," he whispered in a shakey, reedy voice, "it shattered and a sliver of wood pushed through into my lungs so now I can't run or go up stairs anymore... Madame Pomfrey said if the wood sliver had gone just half an inch to the side I'd be paralyzed now."

"Just like Kraug..." the girl with the missing fingers chimed in.

But anyway., dogMinerva took a special disliking to the Patil twins until one of them died, she forgot which one. Back when there was two of them they would consistently interrupt her important lessons by talking. They would never go so far as to actually speak but Minerva knows how twins are, with their special twin-language that only twins can understand; so when she saw one scratching her ear then the other flaring her nostrils she had no other choice but to assume they were flagrantly disrespecting both her, her authority, and her classroom, and would transform instantly and be upon the two terrified twins of Patil in a blur of fur and flying foamy saliva, claws and tongue flailing, a bowel tightening howl vomiting forth from her twisted deformed shape.

This became a regular occurrence, since as far as Minerva could tell, the two were in a constant sate of near-telepathic communication and as such in violation of class rules. By the time the girls where in their 3rd year they would cease all movement and remain locked into place like terrorstruck statues while dogMinerva circled them, sniffing and growling.

This played a major part in their eventual decision to fake Pavarti's death.

"If one of us pretends to be dead then Minerva won't think we're constantly using our twin-sense to talk silently during class," Padma Patil said.

Also they were both very tired of how people constantly mistake them for one another, "the only way for us to have a normal life is by pretending I am dead and then I'll pretend to be you every other day and we'll just take turns being Padma while the other hides out," Pavarti agreed with her clever twin.


End file.
